Thanksgiving Hats

This year, in the spirit of fun and new traditions, Mom set about making us Thanksgiving Hats to wear on "the big day."  Being the resourceful and computer savvy type she found a template online.  On one of her supply shopping trips she purchased black and white poster board.  On Thanksgiving eve, we watched a movie, cooked and watched as she assembled her pilgrim hats.  Dad pitched in and colored the gold buckles.

We had fun posing our hats around the house and taking photos as the turkey cooked in the oven and filled the condo with that delicious Thanksgiving aroma.  If you look at our individual facebook pages you will see the winning photos posted as our profile pictures.  The one you see here is mine.  Mom took hers in the place settings on our holiday table.

I am not sure where this brainstorm came from but in the spirit of playfulness we all cooperated.  My husband and I joke that Tan has inherited the "Comeau Silliness".  I think being silly and having fun is a value that makes life fun and helps ensure that one does not take oneself too seriously.  After all there is simply too much sadness and seriousness in day to day living. 

Pilgrim Crew

I think that this hat wearing will become part of the Thanksgiving holiday.  Next year, we will probably represent the Native American population in the American Traditional Thanksgiving.  Perhaps some of us will opt to represent the Pilgrims I cannot say for sure.  Meanwhile, we will be busy cooking up some more silly ideas and playing them out.  We could use some levity in our lives, especially right now.

We had a very enjoyable Thanksgiving.  I hope that your Thanksgiving was equally as enjoyable.  As Mom blogged earlier our menu is pretty much fixed and I loved it.  I was able to snip the marsh mellows into the sweetened condensed milk as Mom put together the graham cracker roll and today I peeled the potatoes.  I had no troubles sitting through the entire meal, which I am grateful for.  Believe it or not the baby ate squash though all predictions were to the contrary.

Mrs. Pilgrim

This year it all seemed to matter that much more.  Having Mom here has been a wonderful blessing and I owe her a debt of gratitude.  Thanks Mom, I mean Mrs. Comeau Pilgrim, it was a memorable Thanksgiving.  Thank you for cooking all the favorites and for watching Shaun The Sheep with the baby over and over again.  Mom has taught him some excellent dance moves and he jumps to his feet at the end of every episode to dance along with the credits as they play the theme song.

Thanksgiving 2010

The Audet Relatives, circa 1950

I got some of the Thanksgiving shopping done yesterday, me and about a million other people doing the same thing.  I like to be sort of a peeping-Tom in the checkout line, eyeing what others are buying and comparing it to my own supplies.  Sometimes I am impressed seeing the assortments of imported cheeses and other expensive goodies that I pass on (reluctantly).  Other times I am a moderate snob when I examine prepared stuff and other fast food items knowing that my own meal will be homemade and the recipes go back generations.  (I can tell you that one family here will be enjoying A LOT of frozen corn). 

 

Beloved Aunt Rose

 This year, we will be enjoying a Pinon Sun Thanksgiving Day meal on Susan's Faltzcraft dishes that she has owned since 1993.  Tea Rose is the pattern and they are currently residing here with us while she gets her kitchen remodeled.  I will make the same stuffing that my mother makes and Aunt Rose made before her.  It done in the French Canadian tradition with onions and ground pork added for flavor.  It's quite good , but the best part is that it tastes like a lifetime of Thanksgiving dinners around tables filled with family and friends.   We'll fill in with the appropriate side dishes and salads and such.  
  

Amanda

 I'll make a small pickle tray incluidng black olives, of course, and then we'll recall Amanda's food humor with olives as her specialty.  Amanda is now a successful  attorney specializing in municipal law in Maine.   We knew there was genius in that humor!


One year, the local newspaper in Maine decided to do a Thanksgiving feature and for some reason, asked if they could do a photo of our family.  A photographer arrived and did a staged picture (note Sarah is peering into an empty serving dish).  We loved it.. Now we love that picture with all of us there, 3 generations present then.  Now the babies in that photo have babies of their own.  It's wonderful.

Dessert deserves it's own paragraph.  Paul and I will make the usual pies on Wednesday evening, Pumpkin and Pecan of course.  But the special dessert is a concoction called Graham Cracker Roll and it is not Thanksgiving or Christmas without it.  It's simple but elegant. Crushed Graham Crackers, cut up walnuts, dates, and marshmallows all rolled together with sweetened condensed milk.  It's served as a slice with a HUGE dollop of real whipped cream.  Yummy!

 This year we will enjoy Thanksgiving and give thanks for what has been a wonderful and terrible year.  This year Susan will be able to sit at the table for the whole meal.  While her illness is still present and she is still fighting, nevertheless, we fight on. This year, Tan will sit at the table with us and not in his walker.  We will fix him a little plate and if he doesn't want to eat something, he'll shake his head and say "no, no".  We know better than to attempt squash.  He just won't eat it.  Last year when we gave him a bite, he promptly threw up.  Squash is "no-no".   This year we will give thanks for many things; a new home in Colorado, a new family member in Joe Rich, the prayers and love of old and new friends, the sustaining undergirding of God and His blessings upon us. 

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.
Praise God all creatures here below
Praise Him above Ye heavely Host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

Happy Thanksgiving everyone





Looking At Cancer Through The Eyes Of Love

I skimmed through my book notes this evening and came across a notation about a chapter that I would like to write about this journey.  Many of those supporting and praying for me do not know that I regard my cancer differently than they do.  I look at the cancer cells as part of me.  In fact, they are.  They are cells that have mutated and have begun running their own agenda.

I regard the cancer with love.  When I am doing well and there is not a lot of stress in my life I spend my prayer and meditation time filling myself with love.  I come into the presence of my Maker and let the love flow from me to Him and back.  I never visualize just some of me giving love or give thought to myself as diseased.  I give this love to myself with my whole being.  I include my loved ones and especially my son.

When I am not doing well, I feel sad and depressed.  I don't want to lose my hair...again. I do not want to subject myself to chemotherapy and all that this entails.  I do not relish being ill and not able to participate in my life as actively as I wish.  I have made the decision to do as much as I can to ensure my survival to be here to raise my son.  I hope to raise a daughter as well.

When you are filling yourself with love you are likely to have thoughts of gratitude.  I have gratitude for a lot of things.  I am so happy that my Mom can be here to help.  She and I are alike and she is able to give me a lot of emotional support.  I am in need of support emotionally and am not always finding that I am supported at home.  Many times I am left to fend for myself.  This adds stress and heartache in this journey but I am grateful that if I press beyond my most inner circle there are others able to hold my hand and assist me.

I am immensely grateful to have a son who is happy, healthy, hilarious and on a mission to enjoy life.  He sucks the most out of every day.  I was most likely ill when I was pregnant with him and probably before.  I am teary eyed with gratitude that the pregnancy and birth went well and that I have him.  He is a blessing and adds joy to my life.

I am grateful that my Father was able to come and stay and be of assistance.  We would not be doing very well if it were not for him.  He has faithfully and lovingly cared for my child and has not complained though his own physical needs went unmet for this year.  No sleep.  A lot of extra cleaning.  A lot of wet beds.  It is no small thing that my son is 19 months old and has never seen the inside of a daycare.  He has been cared for by family who love him if ever there was a need.  For this, I am exceedingly grateful.

I do not hate cancer.  I do not hate any part of my body.  I try not to allow hate and anger to reside in me and make its way down to a cellular level.  I continue working hard to live in an attitude of love.  I believe that this may be the only way to overcome my health crisis.  I feel strongly about that. 

I have been angry lately.  I have been stressed and confused as well.  There have been some things that have happened in my personal life that have caused me to feel heartsick.  As a result my energy is sapped.  My nose immediately begins to run.  My stomach feels icky.

I will need to spend time in the prayer and meditation that I spoke about.  A lot of people refer to this as quiet time.  I will look up some verses on love and healing.  I will work on feeling the connection with the Father.  I need to get the love flowing so hard and so fast that it drowns out the sad, the angry and the pain.

Remodel Update

Well, we are plowing forward.  The kitchen is all torn up and the appliances have taken up temporary residence in our living room.  Huy has been working really hard trying to get all the tasks done so that we can install the cabinets. 

He has torn out the old cabinets.  Removed the double glued down layers of linoleum.  He has removed the wall paper and is in the process of removing the sofits.  We thought that we were going to be good on the sofits but he has uncovered some pipes that need to be moved.  There is still a half wall to be removed.  Then it will be time for the electrician and the plumber to do their jobs.  Finally, we will be able to do the floor and install the cabinets.

In the pictures you can see the gutted out kitchen and the floor in process of being removed. 

Hopefully we will not be in limbo too long because it is not fun to go without a stove and a sink.  I know that Huy will be happy to see the fruition of all of his hard work and will glad to see it over.

Lotsa Helping Hands

A new acquaintance brought my attention to a fabulous community organization website called Lotsa Helping Hands.  It is a place where people can sign up, create a community for a sick individual or babysitting or eldercare etc. and then organize the volunteers willing to help.  It seems pretty straight forward and easy to use.  If you know of someone who is in a situation similar to mine and you want to help them consider using this website.  https://www.lotsahelpinghands.com

I am just learning about it myself and am not sure if you can go on the site looking for an individual or if you have to be signed up.  I have a feeling that you can go on and look for someone specific.  I am in the process of setting up my organization and sending out requests.  There are so many awesome friends and family members who have been hounding me for ways they can help and this makes it easy.  This way I can set up events according to shopping needs I have or home projects and then everyone can sign up to help.

Check it out. 

Susan

Which Type Are You?

Are you the spontaneous type or are you a planner?  If I told you that you won a trip would you get out the travel books, research the area, and plan out all the must see / must do events?  Or would you pack your suitcase and just go?  Do you take the same approach to your life?

I was thinking the other day about what I would plan for my life beyond this particular portion of the journey.  I haven't been much of a planner so it kinda had me stumped.  You see I am a fly by the seat of my pants type of girl.  Lately, I have been thinking of buying new pants.

Not being a planner I was short on details and long on impulse.  I would plan to be happy.  I see happiness beyond this stretch of the road but no road map on how to get there specifically.  I would plan to be married to Huy and mother to Tan.  Both of which, would bring happiness to my life.

I see no change in plans as to my life's work.  I like what I do and it brings me happiness.  It is a real honor to be of service to my clients.  I was thinking about one of them who was long gone yesterday.  I wondered what had happened to him and thought sadly that I would never know.  He called today.  He told me he was still in Texas but coming to Colorado and wanted to see me.  Wow.  It was so unbelievable it gave me goosebumps.

I like the magical day to day occurrences like that.  I haven't come up with much else as far as plans but I am working on it.  I often say that you cannot reach your destination if you have no idea where you are headed.  I do know that my destination is filled with happiness even if I take a round about way to get there.

Susan

Out For The Count

I started back on chemotherapy on Monday, November 8, 2010.  I knew that my tumor markers going from 1023 to 1105 meant that Dr. Matei would put me back on chemotherapy I just didn't know that she would want to begin Monday.  Any discussion of chemotherapy with her leads to a crying jag for me and I had one to be sure.  It has been since April that I have been treated with chemotherapy and had I been in my right mind I might have been more proactive and asked more questions.  You might want to really think things through when attempting chemotherapy because there are some details that just need to be worked out.

For example, I might have remembered how vitally important it is to hydrate oneself after receiving chemotherapy.  I did well for a couple of days but then Wednesday I was knocked for a loop and didn't come out of it until Saturday.  I was in unbelievable amounts of pain that probably would have been somewhat avoided had I hydrated.  Of course, being on what is commonly referred to as the "Red Devil" may mean that I will not be able to avoid this, for now I intend to think positively.

Also, she stated that the majority of people on this treatment are able to work.  I might have explored this with her a bit further and realized I might have to go it easy, you know, for the first week at least.  I thought positively and as I lay in bed and suffered there was a glimmer of hope that tomorrow might be a new day and I could get back to work.  It didn't happen.  Now, I find myself wondering if I can survive the entire four months only working on the off weeks.

I talked to my friend Michelle today.  I didn't remember that we had spoken on Wednesday when I was in the throes of pain and suffering.  She was happy to hear I had made it through. I was aghast that we did in fact speak and I didn't remember.  I am not pleased to report that short term memory loss is on the list of possible side effects for Adriamycin.  I am not one for reading the multiple page printout of side effect, ahem, I wasn't one for it until now.  I think a little research might be in order to find ways to hopefully avoid any unnecessary pain and suffering.  I am also receiving the drug Cytoxan which is also commonly used to make mustard gas.  Good grief.

I am not scheduled for this treatment again until November 29, 2010.  If any of you have any handy tips to impart on me before that day it is most welcome.  Any extra prayer time on that day would be much coveted and appreciated.  Please reserve all phone calls following that day for at least a week.  I would like to remember that I spoke to you and may be trying to rest and get through it.  Thank you for reading and thanks in advance for the tips.

Susan

Been Wig Shopping Lately?

If you haven't been wig shopping lately you might want to go and see all the latest technology in hair.  I went to Ebony in town with Mom yesterday and there must have been about 500 wigs.  I was looking for a lace front with real human hair.  With a lace front wig you don't have to have bangs or thick bangs to hide the wig cap.  I found in my other wigs it made them look wiggy and I never really felt comfortable.

Now I am not dissing my other wigs.  I was not in a place last year that I could emotionally handle shopping for a wig.  The wig that was gifted to me was just what I needed.  It was very close to my color and style I had been wearing at that time.

When my hair grew back this year it was much darker as it was freshly grown and never highlighted.  Originally, I thought I would get a darker wig and shorter so I wouldn't have such a drastic change.  I tried on a bunch of them searching for that one that would be me.  It is a daunting task with so many choices.  I encourage you to pop in and check it out.  You will be shocked about how many ways you can buy hair.

I ended up with a longer wig that was highlighted with some golds and reds and long.  It is a bit sassy so it matches my personality pretty well.  lol.  I am needing to have it styled by my girl Jami and then I will be all set for the hair loss right before the holidays.  No whohoos of excitement but I am relieved that I will be prepared. 

I have already posted my other wig on craigslist with all the accessories so hopefully I can sell it and mitigate my damages.  With human hair wigs you can wash them but they need to be styled after.  You don't have to worry about heat and you can curl them or flat iron them.  They are worth it if you can find a good one.  I paid $345 for it and at that price it was an insane bargain.  When I priced them last year I found you couldn't touch one for less than $1000.

Some of you may be wondering why I didn't get one from the Cancer Society.  Well I tried.  Believe me.  I looked through all of the wigs at Rocky Mountain Cancer's two locations and attended the Look Good Feel Better program.  They gave you a makeover, new makeup and helped you get into a wig.  All of the wigs were used and some were pretty ratty looking.  The vast majority of them were kinda old lady like wigs.  Short, gray and curly.  There was one Dolly Parton type wig but it wasn't practical for working and platinum blond isn't really very flattering on me.

I did find a human hair wig on craigslist last Christmas, actually Huy found it for me, but I never felt comfortable in it and it was an old fashioned one with double stick tape.  I never lost all of my hair so this made it a bit hard to use.  Also it had been styled and I wasn't keen on the bangs.  Beautiful wig though, really.

Here we go again

For those of you not on my facebook and who do not already know my Doctor and I have made the decision to put me back on chemotherapy.  I am very sad about this and in true Susan form had a full blown meltdown.  It was necessary and quite cleansing.  I topped it off with a guilty pleasure of an ice cold Coca~Cola over ice and it helped bring me back around.  I don't know why this helps me but it does and for now I plan to go with it.

It was bad enough to have it confirmed that I was going back on chemotherapy but then when Dr. Matei asked me to do it yesterday I felt a bit overwhelmed.  Truth be told it was the most open day of my week as I have therapy clients scheduled and I didn't want to have to shuffle them.  Dr. Matei assured me that most people on this regime are still able to work so that helped calm me down.

I was very happy to have my mother by my side through this little ordeal yesterday.  I can be quite a tease and I do not think that she always feels the true measure of my gratitude toward her.  Thank you, Mom for being there and getting my prescriptions and buying me lunch. There are times in a person life when they need their mother and I was happy that you were there to help me through it.

After receiving my treatment I went home and watched some TV and my husband arrived with a parcel of treats for me.  This time around I am going into it with some experience and need to be careful about what I eat.  Chemotherapy can induce a lot of nausea and that might affect your ability to eat certain foods in the future.  He bought me some chicken and rice soup and some cupcakes (white with white frosting ..no chocolate) to brighten my mood.  Again, not health food but cheering up was the priority and if I develop an aversion to them it might not be a bad thing long term.

We spent the evening watching TV and talking.  We discussed our remodel project and made plans.  We sat together and watched videos of our son dancing (facebook) and discussed how much he has changed.  It was nice to have some undivided attention from him and I feel strengthened as a result.  I want you all to know that I count myself a very blessed woman.  I am loved by my husband.  I am supported immensely from my family.  I am prayed for and supported by people around the world.

This blog has had readers from the United States, Canada, Russia, Slovenia, Japan, New Zealand, United Kingdom, Sweden, Singapore and Germany.  That is quite a range.  I know who some of the international readers are but not all.  We only have 18 registered followers so it is difficult to tell unless comments are made or back channel emails are sent.  It is a very humbling thing to be able to pour my heart out on this forum and have readers tune in and spend their precious time on this endeavor.  So I just wanted to thank you from my heart because it means a lot to me and I feel even more supported by a whole crowd of anonymous people.  Thank you.

Susan

Fall Back

My favorite holiday of the year is fall back.  To me, there is nothing as delicious and juicy as that extra hour.  Don't you agree?  Not a holiday you say?  I declare that it is and a mighty fine one at that.

Now it would be a whole lot easier to celebrate fall back if it were not for spring forward and the whole pay back system.  I understand how it all balances out but I can honestly say that, for me, one is celebrated and the other is not.

Anyway, back to my love of fall back day.  I think that there should be a fall back seasonal candy and certain traditions.  Now let me think for a minute about what they should be.  Peppermint is spoken for and so is chocolate.  I guess I will nominate the lollipop.  It is already a favorite of my son and it can be a hands free confection, perfect for the changing of clocks, which is just part of the fall back celebration.

For this holiday, no special characters are needed, therefore, no silly cover stories need be written.  However, it would be a wonderful idea to discuss the principle of time and how we as Christians know not the time/moment that Jesus is due to return.  It would be a great time to look up the verses that pertain to that as a family.  It would also be a good opportunity to talk about time and how each of us are not promised any guarantee on how much of it we get.

I cannot think of any other traditions for fall back day at this particular moment.  It is a bit late in the season for timed potato sack races or other outdoor type activities.  Fall back is a distinguished holiday and so it would simply not do to have other forced or copycat activities from the other holidays.  It is, however, a perfect time for family favorite foods and getting together.  Please note that though distinguished, this holiday is not stuffy, and only casual clothing should be worn while celebrating.

As for me and my family, we have not decided upon a traditional food for the main meal of our fall back celebration but we have concluded on the dessert.  Creme Brulee is the official Comeau family fall back special.  Though we will eat it often, I imagine, it will not taste quite as rich as on fall back day.  Okay it will but you gotta admit that sounded good.

Next year when you celebrate fall back just remember you heard it here first.  I would love to hear what traditions you came up with.  If any of you have any suggestions or favorite fall back day stories please feel free to comment.

Susan

DO YOU KNOW THERE ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE EVERYWHERE?

Of course you do, but a reminder now and then is helpful.  Tuesday of course was Election Day.  It seemed like the whole country was stirred up and irritable didn't it?  There is alot of angst out there and it showed. Well Tuesday, I drove from my parents' home in Sidney, Maine to Manchester NH, to fly to Colorado.  I'd like to say fly home but I'm not exactly sure about this.  I do know that I achieved a personal and family record this week.  I was in each of our three homes in five days.  Friday in Florida, Monday in Maine, and Tuesday in Colorado.  Good Grief.   Anyway, I had brought with me a valuable research book to work on a personal project on the plane.  It was borrowed, expensive and difficult to replace.  I reached for it on the plane and it was not where I thought it was.  I was sick. I tore my luggage apart three times and could not find it.  My homecoming was somewhat tainted by the sick feeling in my stomach.  What had I done with it????   I placed a call to the Bible Study ladies back in Florida and left a message to pray!!!   Around midnight, I remembered that I had popped into a cafe in the airport and decided to check email at work.  I realized that I had probably taken the book out of my computer case and left it behind.   The next morning, I looked up the Manchester Airport phone numbers and was relieved to see the phone number of the cafe.  I called and reached an employee by the name of Jennifer Dionne.  I explained my world-shaking crisis to her and she almost immediately located the missing book.  Then, in a pay-it-forward spirit, she volunteered to go to a post office and overnight it to me.  I told her it would cost $20 or so, and she said "no problem, I'll just put it on my credit card".   WOW....  Sure enough, the very next day it arrived around 10am and I was able to continue my project right on schedule.   I can't express how encouraged and blessed I felt to have connected with a giver and someone who would go an extra mile for a complete stranger.  Thank you Jennifer.  Your act of kindness and unconditional giving was a tremendous gift.   I hope and pray that when I have the opportunity to pay-it-forward to someone else in need, I am willing to act without concern for my convenience or wallet, as you were. 

My Three Wishes

I was asked by an anonymous reader if I could wish for three things, with the exception of my cancer being cured, what would I wish for.  The first two wishes are easy and the last one will require some thought. 

I would wish that a pink Asian bundle of joy be adopted into my life.  I can no longer have children naturally and I desire greatly to have a daughter.  I would name her Mai Rebecca Rose and I would take great delight in rearing a strong capable daughter.

My second wish is that I would have complete financial freedom.  I think 60 million would suit my needs quite satisfactorily.  ;)  I could then work or not work and spend my days doing exactly what I want.  I could buy real estate, remodel, and give generously to whomever I wanted and all to my little hearts content.  I could fatten a college fund for Tan and Mai and ensure to their needs following my passing.

I could also take excellent care of my parents and provide them with the means to retire and live fabulously.  My parents have been hugely generous with me and I would be able to return the favor.  My father has not left my side in the past 13 months.  He and Mom traveled here to visit me when I was hospitalized and diagnosed in October 2009.  Mom had to return to work but Dad stayed behind and takes the baby at night so that I may rest and try to recover.

I also have several ideas for some charitable organizations that I would want to move forward on and create.  I would set them up with endowments so that they could withstand any issues with the economy and continue to serve the public in the manner in which I intended.

Finally, I would wish that no further crisis of this magnitude visit my family.  I think that we may be able to tough this one out, because we have stuck together, but it would be hard to bounce back without sufficient reprieve.  In life there are certainly no guarantees which is why I think this is a good use of wish number three.

Thank you for the post idea my dear anonymous reader. 

Susan

Why are people mean when they hurt?

If I could figure out the answer to this question I would be able to sell a million books, save countless marriages and earn untold riches.  I am not sure why but when people are emotionally hurt they strike out at the ones they love.  Oh, I am sure that not everyone does this but a lot of people seem to.

Is it a fear brought out by vulnerability?  Is it a sheer hatred of all things weak, including oneself, and then reacting violently.  Shucks.  I do not know.  I do know that having counseled, many a couple at this point, it happens. Week after week, my couch is filled for an hour with people telling me tales of how mean their loved one was.  They were having an argument over routine stuff when out of nowhere comes a real zinger.  The kind that makes you wince for years afterward. 

Worse yet, as the comfort level in the relationship goes up so do the frequency often times of letting those zingers fly.  Why?  Why do we hurt the ones that we love?  I wish that I could understand it and I certainly wish that I could change it.

When this sort of thing happens to me, my breath catches in my throat, and my very skin feels as though someone has thrown scalding water on it.  The agony in that moment is real and the heart literally feels as though it is breaking.

As I mentioned before, I am beginning to feel a sense of writer's block and it is taking longer to figure out what to blog about.  This post and some of the more recent posts, reflect what I have been thinking about lately.  I am thinking about the fact that my pain level may increase.  My ability to get up and enjoy my life may be compromised.  I worry that I may succumb to being mean and I want to prevent it from happening.

If any of you  have successfully conquered this problem in their own lives I would really like to hear about it.  Simply click on comment and type in the box.  Oh and while I am on the subject I haven't gotten a lot of contact from readers with pay it forward stories.  I am still looking for those.

Phew!! I was getting a bit worried

On this day, God wants you to know that today you have a cause for celebration. Today, you should celebrate what an unbelievable life you have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make you stronger. Just as a gem cannot be polished without friction, nor can a life be perfected without trials. Take a time to acknowledge your life and to praise yourself.

 

If you facebook then you might want to check out these posts.  They are inspirational.  Anyhow, I especially liked this one.  It explains why this process is taking so long.  I'm a diamond.  Obviously.  ;)

People Die From This You Know

It has been more than 365 days that I have known that I have breast cancer.  Next April, I will celebrate my 40th birthday.  There is a lot to be said for this last and most recent year.  There have been many changes.  My son is adding words to his repertoire every day and I have many words I would like to delete from mine.  Cancer, Chemotherapy and Pain Killers making my top three first words to be deleted.

There have been high highs and low lows.  I have stooped to levels I did not believe I would and torn pages out of my personal rule book without even an ounce of guilt.  Case in point, the other day my son brought me a red cherry dum dums lollipop.  I was lying in bed too sick to get up.  He held it tightly in his tiny fist and handed it to me.  He wanted me to open it up.  Four years ago my personal rule book believed it was incorrigible to give a child under three years old candy.  That day I opened it and handed it back.  He immediately whisked it from my hand and stuffed it into his mouth.  There was a recognizable look of satisfaction on his face and he trotted off to find his father. 

I tore out the rule page on red dyes, sticky fingers and giving young children candy.  I thought to myself, who gives a damn?  I can survive all day on that look of satisfaction.  In the past, I would have regarded this action as no less than criminal since they are born out of a parent's need to satisfy the parent and not out of regard for the best interests of a child.  Well I can tell you two things about that; one - I do not take myself very seriously these days and two - my child's best interest is having two parents his whole life. 

People die from cancer.  I might die from this cancer.  Suddenly the value on my minutes, hours and days has been kicked up a few notches.  I vow to do a decent job on parenting and forget about perfection.  I have already torn out the rule pages on co-sleeping, lying down with your child to get him to sleep, and giving too many kisses in the same day.

I hear about people dying from cancer every day.  I wonder if I will die.  As I contemplate these facts my rule book gets thinner and thinner.  I am certainly not militant but let me tell you that the phrase "life is too short" has taken on special meaning.  I would like to take this opportunity to make a few apologies.  If you  have called me recently and left a message but I have not called you back in a timely manner please understand that there is a lot of my plate right now.  I reserve the right to be a little lax in my responsibilities, so therefore, I will need to rely on you to call me back.  If you have done something for me lately or sent me a gift and are awaiting a thank you card, please excuse me, it might be awhile. It is on my to do list right under make my son giggle.

By now, many of you are wondering if I am ranting or just making excuses for my own rude behavior.  Frankly I am not sure which of these apply as those pages have also been torn out and shredded.  The word discipline almost makes me laugh to the point of tears coming down my face.  I believe it has it's importance, don't get me wrong, it is just that I have bigger fish to fry.  I will return to discipline and obligation as soon as I figure out how to make sure that I am going to be in my son's life.

I hear the words..."Let Go and Let God" slamming around in my head.  I take a deep breath and try to recover my patience.  Rats!!!  Now I remember that I don't have any patience.  You know, introspectively speaking, it is a difficult thing to be patient about.  I feel like I am sitting around awaiting a memo that the jury has returned and I should come and hear their decision.  I also hear the phrase, "relax because God is in charge".  Again this is much easier in theory than it is in practice.  I guess I am still a work in progress.  The last year has brought new challenges but have emphasized some points that were already there.  Mainly, I am not in control and neither are you.  Life is precious and ever too short so hug the ones you love and stop and smell the roses.

As for rule books, obligation and discipline they serve a purpose on this journey but do not let them get in the way.  Sometimes they can take over.  Be careful about that.  Sometimes we need mental health days, a little candy and fun just for the fun of it.

Hope and Encouragement

Psalm 3:3-6  But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the LORD with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people. Who have set themselves against me all around.

Psalm 20:1-5  May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble; May the name of the God of Jacob defend you; May He send you help from the sanctuary, And strengthen you out of Zion; May He remember all your offerings, And accept your burnt sacrifice. May He grant you according to your heart's desire, And fulfill all your purpose. We will rejoice in your salvation, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners! May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.

Psalm 94:19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.

Psalm 34:4  I sought the LORD, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears.

There is great reason for hope.  You may not be an avid reader of the Bible but it is filled with promises, hope and encouragement.  I look into the future and see every reason to believe that all will be as it should.  I am already taken care of.  I am lifted daily by the love and regard I receive from my family and friends.

I was protected last night when I made what could have been a fatal mistake.  I have joint pain and heat eases that pain.  Since my recent radiation treatments I have been advised not to use a heating pad on that area.  I feel asleep last night on an old heating pad (no automatic shut off like my over sized new heating pad).  I awoke in the night feeling too warm and pushed it aside.  There was a funny smell and I looked to see if the heating pad light was on and it was not.  In the morning, I saw that my pillow was scorched, the pillow case browned, the heating pad burned, melted and ruined.  I inspected the t-shirt I was wearing and it was fine.  My skin was not burned though I was lying on the heating pad.  I felt a bit shaken but thankful that no serious damage was done to me or to my husband.

I am working on trust and on hope.  I feel good.  Some days I move slower than other days but I am determined to keep moving.  In the last week, I have personally been involved in triumph and have helped lead others out of a dark and scary place.  It is an honor. 

I have fallen in love with my son and my husband all over again.  I plan to repeat this exercise as many times as possible.  I stare at my son's face in wonder and love every feature and facial expression. It feels good to fall in love.  I make a mental note to dwell in that place of love as often as I can. 

If I wanted to I could ruminate on all the scary things that I could be facing in the next few months.  I could go back to the negative noticing that I engaged in some time back.  I could mull over all that is wrong with the world and how terrifying it is.  I could or I could focus instead on hope.  When I look at Pikes Peak, which is hard to miss, I nearly always remember the words of Psalm 121.  It has comforted in me in times of sadness and fear over the years that I have lived in Colorado Springs.  I have copied them here for you.

Psalm 121
 ¹ I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
         From whence comes my help?
 ² My help comes from the LORD,
         Who made heaven and earth.
 ³ He will not allow your foot to be moved;
         He who keeps you will not slumber.
 ⁴ Behold, He who keeps Israel
         Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
 ⁵ The LORD is your keeper;
         The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
 ⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
         Nor the moon by night.
 ⁷ The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
         He shall preserve your soul.
 ⁸ The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
         From this time forth, and even forevermore.

My Turkey Roasting Pan

For those of you who do not know I have to confess that I am a Craigslist aficionado.  I could entertain you all day with stories of purchases made or things I have sold using Craigslist.  [Note: I live in a big military area so people come and go frequently and there are safety measures I follow that I would be happy to share.]

On Sunday, I was poking around and saw an advertisement for a stainless steel turkey roasting pan for $15.  It reminded me that the holidays are nearly upon us and I felt a little rush of excitement.  I quickly emailed the kind lady posting the ad and we exchanged a volley of emails.  I met her yesterday outside of the county clerks office and after we exchanged cash for goods we exchanged stories.

Her mother had just died, being advanced in age, and she and her husband had been left with the task of figuring out what to do with all her things.  She, herself had been married, probably well over 45 years, and they had come to the conclusion that they had too much stuff.  I had been inquiring what else she had to offer and her reply was too much to even begin offering a list.  An entire storage shed, in fact, and she had no idea what was in it.  I think she was overwhelmed with the enormity of this task.

I shared with her my health struggles and I saw her shudder.  She confessed that she had some close calls but so far she continued to be healthy.  She promised to pray for me and add me to her church's prayer list.  I smiled to myself as I got in the car.  I don't know what is more fun about Craigslist.  The fabulous finds or the interesting people I would otherwise never have had the privilege of meeting.

The holidays are coming.  I am looking forward to them with a zest I have not had in years.  I am hoping that this Thanksgiving we can skip the hair shaving portion but truthfully, it is looking iffy.  I am reasonably sure that I will be able to sit at the table and share in the bounty without difficulty.  Last year holding myself upright for more than 10-15 minutes was almost out of the question.

The roasting pan is beautiful and will aid in providing me with the Thanksgiving dinner I look forward to all year.  Mom will be here and we will make all the family favorites.  Last year the baby sat in his walker and had just begun eating solid food.  We gave him a bite of squash and he immediately rejected it.  This year he will sit and feed himself with his little fork and spoon, which I have to say, he is pretty skilled at.

Sadly, not all the family will be here.  As we are from Maine, my extended family will be there gathering and celebrating and spending time together.  We are growing in number and being in one house on Thanksgiving day is becoming harder and harder.  I wish that I could be there too, but I will have to make due with my own scaled down version here in Colorado.  I want to embrace each of them and tell them how much I love them and how important family is.  We need to make time for each other.  I can see that now so clearly, even when it seems difficult or like too much trouble.  I wish that I had visited more often when I was healthy and traveling was easy.  Hopefully, I will get a second chance to strengthen those relationships and shore them up before they slip away.  This can happen when a family begins to get really big.

I also found Mom a Creme Brulee set that included a torch from a delightful family from India.  They are selling everything because they are returning to India.  Her Creme Brulee desserts are really something and we are going to have fun learning how to make the crunchy top coat that is the crowning glory of this delicious treat.  Sigh.  We are quite committed to this field of research, so if you are in Colorado and stop in for a visit, you might find yourself employed as a taster.

New / Old Post MRI findings from 10-12-09

To view this post you will need to look under the heading 2009 and then under the October heading.  You will need to scroll down the list until you find the post entitled MRI FINDINGS OF THE LUMBAR SPINE. 

I had picked up this report which was folded in half and stapled once on my way to see the orthopedic surgeon.  I opened it in the car and attempted to read it.  You can see from reading it yourself how difficult it is to understand.  When I came to the part regarding possible reasons for my fracture I freaked out and called Mom.  I was pretty stunned that different types of cancer where suggested. 

I did not realize that this was the beginning of a big journey.

The Spirit Is Willing But The Body Is Weak

This week I received radiation every day.  My right hip was giving me pretty constant pain and I have developed weakness.  Weakness to the point where I need to assist my right leg in and out of the car and up into bed.

I tolerated the radiation very well, in fact, I felt nothing during the treatments and suffered little side effects during the week.  These treatments should eliminate the pain and help with the weakness.  As my cancer have moved into my bone marrow using radiation is not a great idea and in fact these treatments probably negatively affected about 5% of my bone marrow.  This is why it has not been part of my ongoing treatment regimen.

I get worn out from working but there is also an initial energizing effect so it can sneak up on me.  I enjoyed my work week despite the toll these extra appointments took on my time.  I was really feeling like I got away with it pretty well until Saturday morning hit.  I awoke with extreme exhaustion and great difficulty moving around.  It was tough to turn over in bed and to get in and out of bed.

I heard my son laughing and playing with his father and I wanted to join in.  It can be a difficult thing to want to participate in the activities that have brought me joy in the past and be physically unable.  I slept like a log last night but woke with the same difficulties as yesterday along with a headache and some nausea.  This can be crushing both physically and emotionally.  I am growing tired of this situation and wish that I could return to "normal".  I continue to have great hope that I can beat this and resume part if not all of what I desire to do.

For those of you that have checked this blog this week and wondered why there were no new posts I can tell you it was because this week was filled to the brim.  I confess that I am pretty worn out.  It would also be helpful to hear from you all with suggestions on posting material.  I seem to be suffering from some writers block. 

Beautiful Bar Harbor



6-15-2010

We went to Bar Harbor while on vacation in Maine.  It is a beautiful place to visit.  It has all of the New England charm with the hustle and bustle of an active Harbor.  It offers shopping, restaurants, a beautiful walk around the rocky beach and a small strip of sandy beach, which my son loves. 

One of the best parts about going on vacation is the creation of memories to enjoy for the rest of your life.  When you go on vacation with loved ones it can be fun to reminisce about what you did, the things you saw and the great time you had.  We visited Bar Harbor in June and the 30 minutes spent on the beach with my son, his first time seeing a beach and the ocean, were about the most memorable parts of that trip.  This time around we were anxious to repeat this experience and it proved to be as much fun.


This was a beautiful fall day in late September and the temperature was about 75 degrees.  The temperature of the water was probably about 50 degrees but as you can see that didn't stop him.  He loves it.  After about 20 minutes we peeled off his wet clothes and dressed him in fresh warm clothes and jacket.  We actually drew a crowd who watched this fearless baby playing in the ocean.

Creating special memories does not require that you travel to some far off place or spend a bunch of money.  My favorite childhood memories are from holiday activities that we did at home as a family.  So whether you travel or stay at home I hope that you will take a little "holiday" with your loved ones and make some memories.  These memories will sustain and entertain you when times get tough or find yourself unable to get out.

On This Day God Wants You To Know

God wants you to know that circumstances don't make you, they reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you.  How are you handling the life that you have been given?

My friend Roxanne has signed up to receive these little God wants you to know notices on Facebook.  I confess that I have not signed up for them, though I am often uplifted by the messages that I read on her profile.  This particular one gives me pause for reflection.  How have I handled this circumstance of cancer and what has this part of my journey revealed about my character?

Nothing is more revealing, challenging, and demonstrative of character than crisis.  Cancer is certainly a crisis that effects an entire family.  It holds a magnifying glass to any cracks or defects and can exploit any weakness that exists.  We, as a family, are being tested in this portion of the journey as a result of this cancer.  Our loyalty, faith and commitment to each other, as a family, is being brought into question and challenged by the stress of this situation.

I have learned things about myself that I do not think I would otherwise have learned.  I didn't realize how strong my commitment was to my work.  There have been days when I practically had to crawl up the stairs to my office and I was grateful that I could still get up there.  I am surprised at how much this portion of my life means to me and how strong the drive is in me to be who I am.

My desire to remain a mother to my child and member of my family has quadrupled.  Life is so precious and every minute I have with my son and my family is treasured.  I love my family both my immediate and my extended.  Do we get along all of the time.  Most assuredly not. Past slights, eccentricities and annoying mannerisms certainly do not weigh more important than the ties that bind, especially now.

Pain and fatigue has also brought negative traits out in me.  I am guilty of being grouchy, irritable and snarly at times with those that I love.  My ability to be patient has been significantly reduced.  My willingness to go out and go shopping, out to restaurants and seek entertainment outside of the home has been reduced to practically nil.  As a result, my husband and friends have been neglected.  I almost have a full plate with appointments and work and there is not much energy left over, even for talking on the phone.  Many evenings I am in bed at 6 pm..

Having cancer has encouraged me to consider my character and work on the weak spots.  It is a good idea for everyone to take a little self-inventory now and then.  It is much more fun to do voluntarily, when things are going well, than when a little crisis is sprinkled into your life.  I think it is important to mention, here, that crisis is part of the human condition and does not mean you are being punished or you have done something to deserve it.  I hope that you will take a look at your character and see what God may want to reveal to you.

Susan

A Special Gift

I was blessed this week with a prayer shawl, as seen in photo, that someone has hand knit as part of a ministry.  Have you heard about the Shawl Ministry?

The ministry folks make these "prayer shawls" for those suffering through a time of transition, crisis or need.  The shawls are often made with a specific friend in mind and are either knit or crocheted.  As they are made, the maker holds that person in his or her thoughts, according to her spiritual traditions.

I received this beautiful shawl from Barbara Browd who included a card that informed me that I have been in her thoughts and prayers.  Included in the card was a beautiful poem that I will include here below.  This shawl is soft and the colors are very pretty.  Thank you so much Barbara for thinking of me and sending me this gift. 

A Prayer Of Blessing by Janet Bristow

May God's grace be on this shawl - warming, comforting and enfolding.
May this mantle be a safe haven
sustaining and embracing in
good times as well as
difficult ones.
May the one who receives this
shawl - be cradled in hope -
kept in joy - graced with peace

You can find out more at http://www.shawlministry.com/ and in the book Knitting Into The Ministry
and wrapped in love.

Having Fun and Making Memories in Maine

Hope Renewed, Faith Restored, Kitchen Saved

A lot has happened since that last post, complete with my Victorian-Era hysteria, regarding my kitchen remodeling project and my work.  I can tell  you, knowing you will keep this in confidence, that I had just heard that the granite would be $3,500.  This was after hearing that the cabinets would nearly be taking up my entire budget of $5,000 which had seemed generous for the itty, bitty kitchen I have to work with.

I thought for sure that this granite pricing would mean that the entire project would be canceled at the time and I was more than just a little sad about things.  It is one thing to go into a project with a budget and the understanding that things happen and you may exceed your budget.  It is another thing entirely to go into a project with the budget already doubled from what you agreed upon with your husband at the onset.

I was in the middle of my hissy fit victorian style when my client called upon me for help.  I saw him today at 3 p.m..  God blessed me incredibly and in that short amount of time I was able to work through my grouchiness, depression and misery (over my trivial kitchen project) and become inspired once again.

He was pretty beat up and had yet another story of being stomped on by life, in addition to being fired, from his most recent job.  I listened, from my freshly earned good place, and as he spoke to me he wiped countless tears from his face.  When we were midway through our session I said this to him:  "Friend (in lieu of his name) I want to tell you a story about God and how God loves us so much and cares about what we care about.  He cares about my kitchen and if He cares about my kitchen I can tell you that He cares about your future."

I told him the story about what was happening to me when he contacted me and all that transpired between then and the time of our appointment.  About how the $3,500 quote was wrong and that it was actually $2,100 for the counter tops and that after speaking with the carpenter it was currently down to $1500 and now included the back splashes that I wanted.  He raised his eyebrows at this and at me when I told him that God cares about my dreams, all the details of those dreams and He cares about my feelings.  This is not to say that God is at our beck and call to deliver up said dreams but His caring for us, His children, is so complete that He cares about what we are interested in.

He opened up about His faith that has been lost after being rejected by his priest recently over needed assistance.  I shared with Him that we are God's children and have a direct line of communication with Him that was restored when Jesus died on the cross.  The more we talked the more my Friend's hope and faith were restored.  We spoke about the power of God.  We talked about things always seem the darkest right before the dawn.  I encouraged him to hang on because I believe that help is coming.  He asked me to pray for him and stated that he could feel the Holy Spirit.  I promised him that I would pray for him.

Would you say a little prayer for him?  You can just tell God it is Susan's friend because He knows who you are referring to.

Thank you for all the support, prayers and encouragement that I received during my time of drama and crisis.  I want everyone to know that I am human all the way through and behave like one day in and day out.  I make mistakes.  I say the wrong thing...often and have an entire list of my own personal flaws and defects.

Susan

Giving Up

I am holding a dream. It is tightly clutched in my hands and cradled against my chest. This dream has been dealt a near fatal blow. Ok, I am being overly dramatic with those opening sentences but then again I feel that way about my dreams.  Whether it be something "important" or something less serious like the dream of how I will like my next Coach purse.  I feel that intimate about my dreams.

A dream of mine has received a blow. I am contemplating giving up.  I feel the edges unraveling around me, my arms feel heavy and I almost hear a whisper to let go.  A few tears slide down my cheeks. I feel as though I am standing on a cliff and the wind is whipping around me and I can see nothing as it is pitch black.  I question myself and analyze if I am being ridiculous and over the top. My mind tells me to be reasonable.

In the midst of all of this I am contacted by a client.  He is in emotional pain.  He has been falsely accused of something terrible.  He has spent ten months in a military jail without pay and continues to receive none while he waits for his reinstatement or retirement from military service.  He is the custodial parent of three children.  He has recently found a job and learned today that he lost it.  He has lost his car and is in peril of losing his home.  He is awaiting the news of his appeal in a higher court on the false charges but they take their time in D.C. and he will have to wait months more.  He didn't take their deal.  He stood on principal and didn't care what it might cost him.  He is barely hanging on now. He needs me.

I am having one of those moments where though I just want to lay helpless on the floor in a depressed heap  my spirit rises in me like a lioness.  I see myself in the scene where Frodo has fallen over the edge of the ravine and Sam grabs him from the movie Return of the King (Lord of the Rings).  I am Sam, of course, and he is Frodo.  A strength rises up in me and I believe that there is something greater, something worth fighting for, and I believe I must save him because this situation is only temporary.

There is a belief inside me that says you never give up.  You never give up.  The very core of my being believes that it is darkest right before the dawn and that things look really, really bad right as you are about to receive breakthrough.  A moment ago, I was ready to give up.  Ready to give in.  Now I see that I cannot.  If I must assist him and his dreams that I cannot let go of my own.  Even if they would seem trivial. 

I have no idea what will happen.  I don't know if I will have to modify or scale back on my dream.  I don't see how the realization of it in it's current form is possible.  I will see him on Wednesday.  He will need me to be strong and he will need me to inspire him to keep going.  I will have to find all of this within myself first before I can help him.  It is a daunting task.  My reality is squaring off with my belief system.  It will be interesting to see who will reign victorious.

Obviously I have been watching too many movies.  I will have to keep you posted on this one.  I would love to hear your comments on giving up.  It will help me as I prepare to face him and as I face my own struggle.

Remodel Update

While I was in Maine my husband worked night and day to begin making my dreams a reality.  He painted and installed our hardwood floors.  We chose a natural bamboo color which brightened up our living room fantastically and looks incredible.  It was a labor of love and he worked hard to accomplish it.  

Before -Tan with puppets "Orange" and "Purple"

If you are wondering about the lack of furniture I can tell you that I sold everything on Craigslist so that he would not have to put it in storage or move it while trying to tackle this job of installation on his own.  We added a new buttery beige wall color and the bamboo hardwood floors that were pre-finished in a natural finish.

I do not know how many of you have remodeled with your husbands but it is not a peace and harmony inducing experience.  Especially with a couple of independent, stubborn, knuckleheads like ourselves.  We were attracted to the fierce independent nature we found in each other but have discovered at times it doesn't exactly produce the best results.  Especially when we have opposing ideas about how we would like things to look or how to have things arranged.  Alas, that is a story best reserved for it's own blog and I will have to tell it another day. 

We are just completing the planning and design stages for the kitchen.  I can hardly contain my excitement over this portion of the project.  I think it will be gorgeous.  There will be a lot of details and help needed from a variety of people but I think the end results will be magnificent.  We have design drawings of the cabinets and they are so beautiful I am considering have them framed and hanging them so I can see them all the time.

See for yourself!!

Dreaming Big

When you dream what do you dream about?  When you are sitting and waiting and have time to muse what do you think about.  Some people call it day dreaming, this thing you do when you spend some time visualizing your wishes.  It is the very content of your goal poster that you craft with magazine cutouts and descriptive words.

I know what I dream about.  I dream about big houses mostly.  I like to dream as if there were no limitations.  It is better that way because the scope of our imagination is so limited.  It is the reason when we pray that we say, "Thy will be done" because all that God would dream for us is better than what we would have for ourselves.

My favorite house design, oh yes there are many, is a huge two story home  that is set like a rectangle except that in the inside there is a garden.  There are many entrances to the center garden from the ground level and many patios overlooking the garden on the second level.  I am sure that this home would be large and rather inconvenient but the garden would be fabulous.  I would have every color of rose, lilacs and every type of berry growing there.  It would be a safe place for my children to play as it would be shielded on every side by the home that they live in.

I did say children because in my dreams I raise a son and a daughter.  We would play there in the garden and it would be wonderful.  My home would include many guest rooms being as large as it is and they would always be full.  All of the people that I love would come often to visit us and it would be so much fun.  We would eat at tables adorned with fresh flowers as my garden is so plentiful.

In my dreams, I see a home filled with the items from my life that I love.  Relics from my childhood, prized possessions gathered while traveling and family heirlooms passed down from generations. I see a home filled with the people that I love.  I see my husband happy, attentive and hopelessly romantic while together we raise our two rascals and have a lot of fun doing it.

Since this is my dream I want you to know that I have fabulous long hair that flows and catches the sun.  Though I am turning 40 soon, no one in my dreams, would ever guess that number.  My cheeks would be radiant and pink from the play and the sun and the enjoyment of my life and health.  While I am at it my figure would be svelte and I could eat without thought of my hips. Even my play clothes would be stylish and I would be known for both my looks and my charming personality.

When I review my dreams I know that I may never own a home like this one.  I may never own a home.  However, there are elements of my dreams that can be possible now.  I can have a home filled with love. I can invite others, whom I love, to spend time with me there.  I can make the home that I live in a beautiful, eye appealing place. I can keep a supply of fresh flowers and berries in my home even if I am unable to grow them myself.

Things are so uncertain now.  I do not know what I will be able to have and what I will not. I believe that dreams are worth fighting for.  I have no intention of giving up on my dreams.  Any of them.  There is nothing sweeter in this life than the realization of a dream. 

It is like the day my son was born, confirming that I would be a mother.  It was a dream come true and I was so grateful for him and to him the day he was born.

We had a home birth.  When he arrived we sat there and admired him.  Not being in a hospital setting, I was able to rest and snuggle and spend the first few hours with him quietly.  One of my lifelong dreams had been granted.  Nothing feels better than this.  Because that is true, regardless of what lies ahead, I plan to dream big impossible dreams and find little ways to make them true.

I will continue to pray that God's will be done as I bring to him the desires of my heart and He listens and He cares.  He has a plan for my life and I do not know all of what it is but I know that it will be beautiful.  It may be so big that it escapes the reach of my imagination.  Until more of it is revealed to me I will be left to my own day dreams.  There is a lot that I want to do.

Small ER visit

I was running a temperature yesterday and feeling very run down.  In my condition, a temperature could be dangerous so I was asked to go to the Emergency Room.  After hanging out with them for a few hours and having blood drawn I was released to go home without even antibiotics.

I know that everyone was worried but my blood work did not show any anemia or problems that were serious.  I was accompanied by my father and then went to his house and put to bed. 

Thank you everyone for praying for me.  I think your vigilance paid off.  I would not want to hang out there for another week.  I would much prefer working with my clients and making progress on my remodel project.

MRI OF THE RIGHT AND LEFT HIP AND PELVIS 9/16/10

There is diffuse heterogeneous increased T2 and intermediate decreased T1 bone marrow signal.  Considering the history of breast cancer, this is consistent with diffuse infiltration of metastatic bone marrow disease.  There is no cortical defect.  The different diagnosis includes advanced osteopenia versus osteoporosis; however, clinical correlation is advised.

The right and left hip joints are normal.  There is no evidence of osteoarthritis or joint effusion.  There are small geographic-shaped areas of heterogeneous decreased T1/T2 signal involving the subchondral bones of the femoral heads consistent with avascular necrosis/bone infarct, without evidence of collapse or fracture.  The subcutaneous and deep soft tissues are normal, without evidence of muscle strain or tear.  There is no evidence of bursitis.

PELVIS:

Small foci of subchondral avascular necrosis involving the hips, without associated subchondral fracture or collapse of the heads of the femurs.