I skimmed through my book notes this evening and came across a notation about a chapter that I would like to write about this journey. Many of those supporting and praying for me do not know that I regard my cancer differently than they do. I look at the cancer cells as part of me. In fact, they are. They are cells that have mutated and have begun running their own agenda.
I regard the cancer with love. When I am doing well and there is not a lot of stress in my life I spend my prayer and meditation time filling myself with love. I come into the presence of my Maker and let the love flow from me to Him and back. I never visualize just some of me giving love or give thought to myself as diseased. I give this love to myself with my whole being. I include my loved ones and especially my son.
When I am not doing well, I feel sad and depressed. I don't want to lose my hair...again. I do not want to subject myself to chemotherapy and all that this entails. I do not relish being ill and not able to participate in my life as actively as I wish. I have made the decision to do as much as I can to ensure my survival to be here to raise my son. I hope to raise a daughter as well.
When you are filling yourself with love you are likely to have thoughts of gratitude. I have gratitude for a lot of things. I am so happy that my Mom can be here to help. She and I are alike and she is able to give me a lot of emotional support. I am in need of support emotionally and am not always finding that I am supported at home. Many times I am left to fend for myself. This adds stress and heartache in this journey but I am grateful that if I press beyond my most inner circle there are others able to hold my hand and assist me.
I am immensely grateful to have a son who is happy, healthy, hilarious and on a mission to enjoy life. He sucks the most out of every day. I was most likely ill when I was pregnant with him and probably before. I am teary eyed with gratitude that the pregnancy and birth went well and that I have him. He is a blessing and adds joy to my life.
I am grateful that my Father was able to come and stay and be of assistance. We would not be doing very well if it were not for him. He has faithfully and lovingly cared for my child and has not complained though his own physical needs went unmet for this year. No sleep. A lot of extra cleaning. A lot of wet beds. It is no small thing that my son is 19 months old and has never seen the inside of a daycare. He has been cared for by family who love him if ever there was a need. For this, I am exceedingly grateful.
I do not hate cancer. I do not hate any part of my body. I try not to allow hate and anger to reside in me and make its way down to a cellular level. I continue working hard to live in an attitude of love. I believe that this may be the only way to overcome my health crisis. I feel strongly about that.
I have been angry lately. I have been stressed and confused as well. There have been some things that have happened in my personal life that have caused me to feel heartsick. As a result my energy is sapped. My nose immediately begins to run. My stomach feels icky.
I will need to spend time in the prayer and meditation that I spoke about. A lot of people refer to this as quiet time. I will look up some verses on love and healing. I will work on feeling the connection with the Father. I need to get the love flowing so hard and so fast that it drowns out the sad, the angry and the pain.
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