Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A few years ago, I attended a small New Year's party hosted by my friend Alpha. We lit candles and wrote down what we wanted to say good bye to from last year. Habits we had formed and wanted to change. Struggles we were ready to move past. We wrote down things that we didn't like that had been part of our lives in that year on little slips of paper. We then read them to each other and burned them.
When we were finished we talked about what we wanted to bring into our lives the next year. Things we hoped for and dreamt about and things opposite of what we had just let go of and burned. I plan to dream some big dreams and declare them rather than make resolutions. I like this quote as it embodies the direction I want to take rather than make resolutions that fail by February.
Henry David Thoreau
Sunday, December 26, 2010
An Act of Service, as defined by Gary Chapman, is when you do something for someone to demonstrate your love for them. Husbands who scrape their wives windshield on her car so she doesn't have to are practicing an Act of Service. Wives who cook a meal for their family and have it ready when their hungry husband and kiddos get home are performing an act of service.
Today my family helped me rearrange the extremely heavy bedroom furniture that I bought at a steal off craigslist. My husband has been really sick and we hadn't been able to enlist help for this project yet. We did a little Christmas this morning for our family and then he and the baby went to Denver to be with Huy's family. While he was gone we got to work. With a little elbow grease and a huge brain teaser of a puzzle with the bed frame we got it all taken care of. I was so relieved to have it all done and I knew Huy would be overjoyed to see it complete.
It looks fabulous. Mom and Tracey even came by again this afternoon to help me put my clothes away. That would have been too big a job for me. I felt a tinge of sadness that I could do no more for them than thank them. With our remodel project in the works and my decreased work due to chemo, money is a little short on supply. I was not able to purchase gifts for my loved ones. I find myself in the position of practicing the art of being a cheerful receiver still. I felt a little embarrassed when so many of the gifts under the tree were for me and outnumbered the gifts for my family. Sigh. I am a work in progress it seems.
I wrote all of that to write this. If you ever find yourself in a situation like the one I found myself in and cash is short on supply consider the other four ways to demonstrate your love and to give a gift. Physical hugs, squeezes, hand holding, a kiss and a smile can uplift a loved one. Telling your family verbally or writing them love letters might be more your style. Make it an honest communication of your feelings. Parents would love to receive this gift from their children. Spend some quality time with your loved ones. No television but real looking at each other and active interaction between you and them is all that is required to accomplish this goal. Finally, my favorite, doing something for them that they would not want to do. Gassing up their cars, getting the oil changed, spring cleaning, running errands, or cooking a meal. I could go on but I think you have the idea.
As for me, I want to send a warm hug and big thank you to Tracey, Scott, Mom and Joe for all their help today. My husband was surprised and pleased with the gift you helped me give to him. I also want to thank everyone who sent me a gift for Christmas and for all those that remembered my son as well. You helped give him a wonderful Christmas when I wasn't able to. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Friday, December 24, 2010
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register. So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”.. Dickens
To all of our family and friends, we wish you all the blessings of the season as we celebrate the birth of our Savior. Our prayer for you and yours is for a celebration filled with joy, and the makings of cherished memories that will last more than a year, indeed a lifetime. Our Christmas will be spent in Colorado Springs in our new home. Our entire family will be coming on the 21st and we will spend our time together, cooking, laughing, and as said in A Christmas Carol ‘making merry’. So, if you’re looking for us, we’re at 4801 Daybreak Circle, and yes, that is a beautiful view of the Rockies we can enjoy whenever we want.
As we think back on this year filled with best and worst times, some highlights stand out.We are so happy to announce that Tracey and Joe Rich are officially engaged. We happily welcome Joe to the family and anticipate more good things to come for them. Joe and Tracey share a love for beach combing for sea glass and antiquing. We look forward to a RICH future for them!!
Scott is in the process of relocating to New Hampshire. Like the rest of us, this has been a year of transition and change for him too.
I spent the first part of the year in Colorado helping the family and working some remotely. We were blessed to be able to rent the condo of a friend and took up residence there for the winter. As I went back and forth to Florida to keep up with work, Paul stayed in Colorado and became Tan’s full time “manny.” He and the baby are best buddies (Paul calls him his ‘buckaroo” among other things). To celebrate that special relationship, we had this picture taken on Tan’s first birthday. Susan and I had fun shopping for special look-a-like “Paul Comeau” shirts for the photo too. Paul and Tan share many things together and we have all rediscovered the joys of childhood. Tan is now 19 months old and is talking a lot. It is a joy to see the world through the eyes of a toddler and remember that little things can be so enjoyable. Just to take a walk to “find some dogs”, smell the flowers, crunch the leaves, and just spend time is a blessing beyond description.
We have had a great time exploring the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo with the baby and he has a special appreciation for the giraffes. It is fun comparing the various pictures taken throughout the year and seeing how he has changed and grown. I know it seems silly to say but we don’t know how we ever got by before “baby” (that what he calls himself) came along. Our lives seem so much more complete now.
In spite of Susan’s battle with cancer and chemo and all of the complications that involves, we did manage to get to Maine for two vacations and family parties. On both occasions, Paul, Susan, and Tan flew from Denver to Manchester, and I flew from Tampa to join them. We had a wonderful time “at home”, introducing Tan to the family and enjoying the sights, food, family and friends there. We had some wonderful times, went lobstering, dipped our feet in Frenchman’s Bay, and made sure Tan went swimming every day. What we enjoyed most though were the special times we had with family and friends.
We are looking ahead to 2011 with confidence and joy. Yes, Susan will be continuing in her fight and we will have difficult times ahead. But God willing, she will win this fight and we will stand by her as she does. We are so grateful for the faithful undergirding of God and for His provision. We are also so humbled and strengthened by the prayers and support of family and friends. We have learned that you are an army that does not quit and we love you all. Susan has received quilts, prayer shawls, scripture pillowcases, meals, rides, gift cards, cash, calls, emails, and the list goes on. Thank You! Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
We pray God’s richest blessings for you from our family to yours.
Merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years.
Becky and Paul, Susan and Huy, Tan, Tracey and Joe, and Scott
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
- John Donne, Meditation XVII
I am struck this evening by how vital companionship is. I have had three glimpses into the lives of others and what role this plays in each. I shared a meal this evening with my husband, my companion and with a friend who has no companion. He wants one. He became ill nearly 15 years ago and this resulted in his being abandoned by his friends and family. It is difficult to be around someone with chronic pain and one by one they disappeared from his life. Their absence is felt strongly by this man. He is saddened and angry. To share a meal with another person and to hold conversation is a luxury he doesn't often get to experience. An invitation to do so puts a smile on his face and he is ready with gratitude. It means so much to him. I am brought to tears that something I take for granted is such a huge gift to him.
Another man I know had companionship and as a result of his poor decisions lost it. He misses it. It was a relationship that was easy and comfortable for both parties and spanned nearly a decade. He is grief stricken with the loss. He knows that he can only hold himself to blame. He wonders how and when he might find companionship again. He wants to share his life with someone. He doesn't want to face the holidays alone. He is depressed. He doesn't want to be without companionship. He gets invitations from friends and colleagues but they never materialize. They make plans and then do not answer the phone when the appointed hour and day arrives. He is living with the sting of love squandered.
The third man has a companion who demands that she alone hold the spotlight. Neither of them have had good examples of a healthy man and woman sharing love and their lives together. This man dreads going home for fear that she will be in a bad place emotionally, which is often the case, and he will need to spend his evening trying to uplift her. He does not have a soft place to fall with his companion. He is offered no acceptance. He has no peace, no ability to let off some steam, and is never given a chance to pursue his own interests unless they share the road with hers.
I just have one request this holiday season. In the next week think of the people around you that might fall into the three examples above and reach out to them. Let us make time for the lonely, the shut in and the down trodden this week of Christmas. Nothing major necessary here, just a cup of coffee, a phone call or a visit. It will not take up much of your time and may mean all the difference in the world to the recipient. Afterwards, when you go home, take a look at your companion and take your inventory. Is there a little room for improvement? Make that the greatest gift you give because I promise you it will make you a very wise person this week and every week you pledge to do it.
Merry Christmas with much love from me,
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
|2009, Tan age 8 months|
|Paul, age 2 1/2|
|Michael and Paul|
|Tracey (2 mons) and Susan (2 1/2 yrs)|
|Susan 3 1/2 yrs, Tracey, age 14 mons|
Monday, December 13, 2010
Look for Photographer
What I do feels so much a part of me that to not do it would be to deny myself the privilege of a portion of my identity. I am blessed. I am blessed beyond imagining. I have found myself. I have found my art. I have found great love in my life. I have birthed an incredible child. I have a tremendous family. I am a blood sucking weasel because I am asking for more than all of this. I want the greatest gift of all. I want time to enjoy it all for many years to come.
God made me a promise once. Well, He has made me many promises but I want to tell you about one in particular. I had spent so much time off doing my own thing. When I went looking for Him, He was waiting for me. I went forward on an altar call. The church employed teams of intercessor's who stood at the front in groups of two. When I went forward they prayed with me and one of them shared these words with me. "God wants you to know that every thing that has happened to you will become valuable and precious and useful. You will use your experiences and be glad for them."
I did not know how this could be possible. There are several experiences I have had, many choices that I have made, and things that I have walked through that I didn't care to remember then and certainly could not regard as precious. I had not found my art then. I have since realized how true this promise was and in the limitations of my human and flawed mind did not even grasp that God was not referring only to my past. He planned to deliver on this promise past, present and future. The cancer has enhanced and brought out deeper hues in the palette I paint from. The colors are more vivid and I understand more than I did before.
As a therapist I meet people walking through hell on earth. Some have become lost and need to be led out of the dark place that they are in. It would be hard to lead someone out of a place that I had not been. God sends me clients that are in need of the help that I am uniquely equipped to assist them with. I do not profess to have the expertise to handle everything out there and resolve all needs. I stay in my area. It is God who develops and expands this area from time to time.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
I know that this is the opening line to his famous work the Tale of Two Cities but he might have been writing about marriage in my humble opinion. If things are ever going too well and you find yourself uttering a sigh of boredom you might ask your spouse how to liven things up. If your spouse mentions that they have been considering a remodel project I can testify to you that it will do just the trick.
Huy and I have been through every emotion and played out some dramatic scenes here in this spacious 742 square feet. It has been the tale of two cities...Paris and Saigon and like the original some parts are not pretty. There has been war, fierce battles, stand offs, impassioned pleas of forgiveness, high roads taken, horrendous mistakes made, ugly words uttered and commitment and love restored. Heck, I should stop writing this blog and begin writing a screen play.
I do a lot of work helping couples work out issues in marriage counseling. I am frequently asked if fighting is normal and if horrible fighting in the first year or two of marriage is a sign that a couple should not be married. The answers are yes and no and in that order. It takes some a little while to learn how to work as a team, make decisions together and to fight in a healthy way. It is not a smooth process. It is not a comfortable process. It is a process.
It is important that each member's needs are taken into consideration. Everyone will need time to get away and recharge their batteries. Sleep is essential. Try to get more than what you normally get. Also be sure and be thick skinned. Sick people are grouchy and so are sleep deprived people. Give each other an extra measure of patience and compassion. We all know that we tend to growl and snap at our family members so try to exercise some self discipline. In the face of crisis our loved ones can become hurt and these wounds can run deep. Should the family crisis result in the loss of a family member it could result in a long term family fracture and loss of relationships. This is just a sad case of tragedy upon tragedy but it happens.
If you are in the middle of a crisis or find yourself confronted with one in the near future I hope that your family is able to circle the wagons. Perhaps you will remember the words I have written here and they will help you fix any potential problems before they take hold. Peace has been restored in my home. This remodel project tested and challenged both my husband and I but we made it through unharmed. We have a strong extended family and we are able to work through issues as they arise. We love each other and support each other even as we face this crisis. Your continued support and prayer is vital to us and I want to extend a warm thank you. It has helped us so much more than words can express.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
|Uncle Michael and my brother Scott Michael Comeau|
Michael is sporting a trash can on his head
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
At the end of a long year of fighting, if you want to call it that, I can tell you that I thought I would have made more progress. I was very confident that I would have had this thing licked by now and would have been on to bigger and better things. I do not know what the future holds or how big a piece I have to work with. I can tell you this, I am interested in tasting the sweetness of life. I want now, more than ever, to do the things that matter.
I enjoy watching my son play. I enjoy working as a counselor. I feel a little sad because I have a desire to do a lot of things that I am no longer able to do. Running to Target with my husband to pick up a few things on a Sunday afternoon is no longer an option. I have to reserve my strength because I have spent too much at times and suffered the consequences. I could focus on what I am not able to do or I could enjoy the things that I am. I can make my son laugh. I can love my husband and my family. I can share my heart. I can offer guidance to those that come to me for help.
I am inspired by Elizabeth Edwards and how she chose to live her remaining days. She died of breast cancer this week. I am not interested in the politics but I would like to share a couple of quotes about her.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Anyway, as I was driving along, I got to thinking about my trip to Florida and going home on Sunday. We have rented our Florida home for the winter to a lovely lady from Michigan. Mary is a widow and has opted to return to Zephyrhills for the winter and will be staying at our house. When she learned that I was coming back to work for a week, she invited me to stay with her (at my house). I was initially reluctant because it is kinda weird to rent your house to someone and then go stay there with them. But she kept insisting so I checked into it a little and Gloria told me I would be crazy not to, so, I accepted. And it beats the Red Rose Inn. (fast-forward to Monday night. got home from work, Mary greeted me at the door with a glass of wine, chicken supper on the stove, jello in the fridge, table set for two. lovely evening)
But, I digress. What I was thinking about as I was marveling at the Rockies, was how much I was looking forward to "going home" next week. And then I realized how convoluted that thinking was and started to explore my feelings. We now have a lovely condo here in Colorado Springs a minute from Susan, and it is comfortable and convenient. I love it. And then, we have a wonderful little home in Zephyrhills on the edge of the golf course, with two little ponds close by just filled with bird life and turtles (and golf balls). We spent a lot of time designing this home because we just knew we were going to live out our twilight years there. We just love it. And then, we have our Surry, Maine home on Patten Pond where we enjoy lake views and loons, and the smells of pine woods and home. We just love it. I figured out that where ever I'm not, I miss, and wherever I am, I love, and am loved. Does that make any sense at all??? So that is what prompted my question, "where on earth is home" ??? (in case you are thinking that Paul and I must be independently wealthy, I can assure you that we are not. What we are able to do is keep our heads above water by renting our homes some of the time. But what we are is blessed, and so far, so good)
And then, I started thinking about all of the benefits and blessings of these homes and these places. Mostly...friends and family, people we love and love to visit at each of these places, beloved, faithful, concerned folks who are there for us through thick and thin. In Maine, we have lots of family of course, my parents and siblings, then Tracey and Joe, Scott, Diane and Skip, Mary and Mike, Sally and Ed, Priscilla and Grange, Patty and Rob, First Baptist Church, and dozens of others too numerous to mention. In Florida, we have Gloria and Bob, and Sandy, Kate and Charlie, Dianne and Edward, Debbie and Heather, and the Bible study ladies, and the Winter Haven Hospital crowd to mention a few. In Colorado, we have of course, Susan, Huy, and Tan the incredible, Pam and her father Frank, Jimmie and Joy, and Marilyn. Susan has her own list of course, a long list to be sure. (there is also an 'other' crowd filled with beloved friends that I have never met like Jo and Barbara, and some Facebookers and bloggers. how wonderful)
So, where is my home? Where is yours? Then, I pondered that the biblical answer, the eternal truth, is, "none of the above." We are merely sojourners here, just passing through, renters not owners. We are ambassadors of a heavenly realm with mansions ready and waiting for us. (will we ever have to clean bathrooms there?). So, the real answer for me, for now, is the one I gave at the beginning of this piece. HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS. It's not really a physical space, a house, a place where we store our goods and possessions. It isn't the sum total of stuff and things as much as we take comfort in those items. HOME is where hearts connect, where lives entwine, and where your soul can rest. HOME is where you can be yourself, go without makeup, stay in your pajamas all day, and as Tan demonstrates, dance with abandon. This Christmas, as we decorate the house, I'm going to decorate my heart and celebrate with Thanks for the ones who make it a HOME. Umm, that would be YOU!!! Thanks!!!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
A few well placed words of positive encouragement and I felt like I could face the treatment. My strength began to return and I felt positive again. I think it was pretty evident that I was not excited about chemotherapy but hope had been restored. I am receiving a lot of emotional support and prayer but I was still struggling with some fear and negativity. I cannot emphasize enough that a few words of encouragement given at the right moment can make a huge difference in some one's day. I know because these words of encouragement made all the difference for me.
I do pretty well to keep myself in a positive place. I think my readers can testify to that. Facing the holidays with the thought of being ill and losing my hair and all that chemotherapy entails was enough to derail me momentarily. It amazes me how quickly I was able to recover with just a few kind words and a small ray of hope. Yesterday, I was struck by how sad, miserable and daunting it can be to face the holidays when you do not have a foundation of love and healthy family life to draw from. I told the young couple to keep it simple and fun. Get a tree and lights and then buy popcorn and paint. Give each other one gift and one home made card and maybe one gift for the house. If they want to do more of a gift giving save it for Valentines Day and take advantage of the sales. I gave them permission to refuse to attend any and all holiday parties.
They left my office relieved. The pressure of a first Christmas with all that they are facing was just too much. Throw in college and military life and the mix got ugly. I hope that you will remember a few things this holiday season as well. First of all it is supposed to be fun and not stressful. If it is stressful then please consider toning it down. Next remember that a few kind words of encouragement can breathe life into someone who is struggling so please give generously of them. Please sprinkle these powerful and positive words along your way this holiday season as you never know when someone might really need them.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
After receiving the request for their point of view, I emailed them to ask them to write a statement. We have close relationships even if we dont get to see each other as often as we would like. We speak on the phone and make the most of family time together when we can get it in. I know that for each of them their biggest frustration is that they cannot be here to help out. I know that when I talk to them they feel sad and helpless because they do not like hearing that I suffer.
|Tracey and Fiance Joe Rich|
I am handing my sister's illness just ok. It is heart breaking to know that I can talk to you on the phone but there really isnt anything I can do to help or make you feel better. I pray for you and your family everyday and try to keep up the faith that everything will work out all right. I hope this helps you for your blog. I love you, take care. Tracey
Scott had this to say: I had a lot of mixed emotions when I found out that my sister has cancer. I feel very overwhelmed because there is so much I want to do and now it feels like I might not have the luxury of time to accomplish everything. I am lucky to have such a hardworking and generous sister to admire and from whom I gain wisdom. I find myself wishing that I had listened more in the past. I love you. Scott
Monday, November 29, 2010
Limited views of the orbits and sinuses are unremarkable.
1. Diffuse, smooth homogeneous enhancement of the pachymeninges. Most likely, this is related to post treatment change; dural metastases are unlikely, given the smooth nature and uniform distribution.
2. Several small scattered foci of white matter T2 hyperintensity is nonspecific. No enhancement corresponding to these lesions. It is possible that these are related to post treatment change, but given the patient's history of malignancy, short-term interval follow up is recommended to exclude early developing metastases. Follow up in 2-3 months is recommended.
3. Advanced volume loss for age, likely treatment related.
A Brain MRI was ordered just as good measure. I was not showing any signs of neurological symptoms. Doctor Matei was happy to announce upon reading this report that I showed no sign of cancer in my brain. So, despite the way this reads, this is good news. Part of the reason I include them is so that you can see the validity and seriousness of my health.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
|Yvonne, Rose, Blanche|
|Floyd and Blanche's wedding photo|
Aunt Rose was like a fairy Godmother and saintly grandmother to all of us. If we needed ANYTHING we knew where to go; from advice, to a recipe, to encouragement, to unconditional love, Aunt Rose was where we would head. One moment stands out in my mind. Paul and I were married all of three weeks and I
|Louis and Eva|
Aunt Rose died in 1976 at age 76 after suffering a stroke. It felt as though the lights dimmed and we all still miss her terribly, she was the heart of our family. Now, are you wondering what on earth this has to do with Thanksgiving hats? As I was thinking about holidays past this week, I remembered how one year, Aunt Rose had made a complete Thanksgiving costume for one of my younger cousins. Dress, bib and collar, cape, hat, the whole thing. Can you imagine taking the time to fashion such a garment? It was impressive!!! So, in my own amateurish way, I decided that we could garb-up too. Poster board, staples and tape I can manage, seamstress I'm not. And we did have fun, inexpensive, creative, belly-laughing fun.
A lot of friends have suggested that Paul and I are some kind of super-parents to have relocated here in Colorado Springs to help Susan and her family. Nope, we're not. We did have a good example in a woman who gave up her own life to find another one though, and of how there is no limit to what love can accomplish. I hope you have an Aunt Rose in your family.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
We had fun posing our hats around the house and taking photos as the turkey cooked in the oven and filled the condo with that delicious Thanksgiving aroma. If you look at our individual facebook pages you will see the winning photos posted as our profile pictures. The one you see here is mine. Mom took hers in the place settings on our holiday table.
|The Audet Relatives, circa 1950|
One year, the local newspaper in Maine decided to do a Thanksgiving feature and for some reason, asked if they could do a photo of our family. A photographer arrived and did a staged picture (note Sarah is peering into an empty serving dish). We loved it.. Now we love that picture with all of us there, 3 generations present then. Now the babies in that photo have babies of their own. It's wonderful.
Dessert deserves it's own paragraph. Paul and I will make the usual pies on Wednesday evening, Pumpkin and Pecan of course. But the special dessert is a concoction called Graham Cracker Roll and it is not Thanksgiving or Christmas without it. It's simple but elegant. Crushed Graham Crackers, cut up walnuts, dates, and marshmallows all rolled together with sweetened condensed milk. It's served as a slice with a HUGE dollop of real whipped cream. Yummy!
This year we will enjoy Thanksgiving and give thanks for what has been a wonderful and terrible year. This year Susan will be able to sit at the table for the whole meal. While her illness is still present and she is still fighting, nevertheless, we fight on. This year, Tan will sit at the table with us and not in his walker. We will fix him a little plate and if he doesn't want to eat something, he'll shake his head and say "no, no". We know better than to attempt squash. He just won't eat it. Last year when we gave him a bite, he promptly threw up. Squash is "no-no". This year we will give thanks for many things; a new home in Colorado, a new family member in Joe Rich, the prayers and love of old and new friends, the sustaining undergirding of God and His blessings upon us.
Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.
Praise God all creatures here below
Praise Him above Ye heavely Host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
Happy Thanksgiving everyone
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I regard the cancer with love. When I am doing well and there is not a lot of stress in my life I spend my prayer and meditation time filling myself with love. I come into the presence of my Maker and let the love flow from me to Him and back. I never visualize just some of me giving love or give thought to myself as diseased. I give this love to myself with my whole being. I include my loved ones and especially my son.
When I am not doing well, I feel sad and depressed. I don't want to lose my hair...again. I do not want to subject myself to chemotherapy and all that this entails. I do not relish being ill and not able to participate in my life as actively as I wish. I have made the decision to do as much as I can to ensure my survival to be here to raise my son. I hope to raise a daughter as well.
When you are filling yourself with love you are likely to have thoughts of gratitude. I have gratitude for a lot of things. I am so happy that my Mom can be here to help. She and I are alike and she is able to give me a lot of emotional support. I am in need of support emotionally and am not always finding that I am supported at home. Many times I am left to fend for myself. This adds stress and heartache in this journey but I am grateful that if I press beyond my most inner circle there are others able to hold my hand and assist me.
I am immensely grateful to have a son who is happy, healthy, hilarious and on a mission to enjoy life. He sucks the most out of every day. I was most likely ill when I was pregnant with him and probably before. I am teary eyed with gratitude that the pregnancy and birth went well and that I have him. He is a blessing and adds joy to my life.
I am grateful that my Father was able to come and stay and be of assistance. We would not be doing very well if it were not for him. He has faithfully and lovingly cared for my child and has not complained though his own physical needs went unmet for this year. No sleep. A lot of extra cleaning. A lot of wet beds. It is no small thing that my son is 19 months old and has never seen the inside of a daycare. He has been cared for by family who love him if ever there was a need. For this, I am exceedingly grateful.
I do not hate cancer. I do not hate any part of my body. I try not to allow hate and anger to reside in me and make its way down to a cellular level. I continue working hard to live in an attitude of love. I believe that this may be the only way to overcome my health crisis. I feel strongly about that.
I have been angry lately. I have been stressed and confused as well. There have been some things that have happened in my personal life that have caused me to feel heartsick. As a result my energy is sapped. My nose immediately begins to run. My stomach feels icky.
I will need to spend time in the prayer and meditation that I spoke about. A lot of people refer to this as quiet time. I will look up some verses on love and healing. I will work on feeling the connection with the Father. I need to get the love flowing so hard and so fast that it drowns out the sad, the angry and the pain.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
He has torn out the old cabinets. Removed the double glued down layers of linoleum. He has removed the wall paper and is in the process of removing the sofits. We thought that we were going to be good on the sofits but he has uncovered some pipes that need to be moved. There is still a half wall to be removed. Then it will be time for the electrician and the plumber to do their jobs. Finally, we will be able to do the floor and install the cabinets.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I am just learning about it myself and am not sure if you can go on the site looking for an individual or if you have to be signed up. I have a feeling that you can go on and look for someone specific. I am in the process of setting up my organization and sending out requests. There are so many awesome friends and family members who have been hounding me for ways they can help and this makes it easy. This way I can set up events according to shopping needs I have or home projects and then everyone can sign up to help.
Check it out.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I was thinking the other day about what I would plan for my life beyond this particular portion of the journey. I haven't been much of a planner so it kinda had me stumped. You see I am a fly by the seat of my pants type of girl. Lately, I have been thinking of buying new pants.
Not being a planner I was short on details and long on impulse. I would plan to be happy. I see happiness beyond this stretch of the road but no road map on how to get there specifically. I would plan to be married to Huy and mother to Tan. Both of which, would bring happiness to my life.
I see no change in plans as to my life's work. I like what I do and it brings me happiness. It is a real honor to be of service to my clients. I was thinking about one of them who was long gone yesterday. I wondered what had happened to him and thought sadly that I would never know. He called today. He told me he was still in Texas but coming to Colorado and wanted to see me. Wow. It was so unbelievable it gave me goosebumps.
I like the magical day to day occurrences like that. I haven't come up with much else as far as plans but I am working on it. I often say that you cannot reach your destination if you have no idea where you are headed. I do know that my destination is filled with happiness even if I take a round about way to get there.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
For example, I might have remembered how vitally important it is to hydrate oneself after receiving chemotherapy. I did well for a couple of days but then Wednesday I was knocked for a loop and didn't come out of it until Saturday. I was in unbelievable amounts of pain that probably would have been somewhat avoided had I hydrated. Of course, being on what is commonly referred to as the "Red Devil" may mean that I will not be able to avoid this, for now I intend to think positively.
Also, she stated that the majority of people on this treatment are able to work. I might have explored this with her a bit further and realized I might have to go it easy, you know, for the first week at least. I thought positively and as I lay in bed and suffered there was a glimmer of hope that tomorrow might be a new day and I could get back to work. It didn't happen. Now, I find myself wondering if I can survive the entire four months only working on the off weeks.
I talked to my friend Michelle today. I didn't remember that we had spoken on Wednesday when I was in the throes of pain and suffering. She was happy to hear I had made it through. I was aghast that we did in fact speak and I didn't remember. I am not pleased to report that short term memory loss is on the list of possible side effects for Adriamycin. I am not one for reading the multiple page printout of side effect, ahem, I wasn't one for it until now. I think a little research might be in order to find ways to hopefully avoid any unnecessary pain and suffering. I am also receiving the drug Cytoxan which is also commonly used to make mustard gas. Good grief.
I am not scheduled for this treatment again until November 29, 2010. If any of you have any handy tips to impart on me before that day it is most welcome. Any extra prayer time on that day would be much coveted and appreciated. Please reserve all phone calls following that day for at least a week. I would like to remember that I spoke to you and may be trying to rest and get through it. Thank you for reading and thanks in advance for the tips.