Saturday, December 24, 2011

My Christmas Wish

 Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
  and your healing shall spring up speedily;
 your righteousness shall go before you;
  the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
(Isaiah 58:8 ESV)


I am praying tonight and asking that you send me a Christmas miracle.  I pray that life would return swiftly to my body.  I long to play with my son.  I want to have energy to serve You, to mother my child, to be a wife to husband, to work and play and live fully.

You have made many promises to me, both personally and in your Word and I claim them tonight.  You said in Matthew 7:7 that if I ask and it will be given to me; if I seek I will find; and if I knock you will open the door for me.  So Father, I am asking you for a health better than I knew before cancer, I am seeking your will over my life and strength because I am so frustrated, and I am banging on this door with all my might that You would hear me and open.

Romans 8:11 promises life to my mortal body because Your Spirit dwells within me.  You have answered my urgent cry regarding my fatigue in Isaiah 40 when you said, that they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

I have tried to be a good student through this experience and on this part of my journey.  I have worked hard to keep my head up and a positive attitude securely in place.  I confess that I am getting tired and that I feel sad because this is not the life that I want to live.  It is not how I wanted to treat my child, when I finally had one, and it is not a life that I sincerely believe does me justice.  I have too much to give to lay in bed too weak to move around and be useful.  I pray for your mercy and ask that you heal me quickly because I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take.

I ask for forgiveness for where I have fallen short and I am working to practice forgiveness and patience in my life.  I admit, I don't think I am very good at this yet but it is a work in progress.  I hope for continued guidance and direction of where I need to improve and to respond faithfully where I am needed. 

I pray all of this Father in Jesus' name, who died for me that I might live abundantly,


Friday, December 16, 2011

A Full Serving of Christmas Joy

My sister is here from Maine and we are trying to get all of our holiday celebrating in before she leaves.  Sadly, it is only a week past chemotherapy so I am dragging a bit.  My son is 2 years and 8 months and is in quite awe of all things Christmas and shiny.  Today while he was napping and as I looked on, Mom, Dad and Tracey drug out all the boxes of Christmas decorations and put up the tree.

When I was a single woman I bought glass hummingbirds and glass three tiered bells for my Christmas decorations.  These are not toddler friendly and he has a real tendency to be rough or wing things across the room. This year Dad had this brilliant idea to decorate the tree with my little wee bears which really brought me back.   They are so cute and so funny.  Check out the website.  I have almost all of them. 

I discovered them in a coffee shop, years ago, and found that they were way too irresistible to pass up.  I indulged myself, thinking how much delight they would bring the child I hoped to have one day, but they brought me a lot of joy also.  When I met Huy and downsized my house they all went into a box and I always felt sort of sad that I didn't display them somehow or have a use for them.  I invested quite a bit of money in them and wondered if I had been foolish.  Today all those doubts were brought to rest and I was given a full serving of joy as all those past hopes and wishes culminated into a magical moment when his eyes saw the tree and all the animals.  He squealed and giggled and looked them all over.  There is a crocodile, an octopus, a colorful peacock and on and on.  They are all teddy bears wearing a complete and removable costume.

He seemed to know that we had done this for him.  I don't believe that he had ever seen the toys before as they had been packed up.  I think he thought it was the finest tree he had ever seen.  When he saw the pig, he said, "PIG!" and made a pig sound.  He kissed the duck costumed bear and said duck.  He admired the lights and named the colors.  This is going to be a fun Christmas for sure.  He found my nesting Santa doll and Grampy helped him take it apart.  He lined them all up on the table and then Grammy helped him put them all back together.  He then scooped up the Santa and put him back on the table in his original resting spot.

I have a full heart this evening.  The memory of this day will be with me always.  I want to thank my generous family for all the heavy lifting today that I could not do.  I was able to cut and ribbon the ornaments for the tree.  I had a nice birds eye view when the magic Christmas moment occurred.  It is nice to see the purchases I have made over the years and the special gifts I have safe guarded thrill my child.  I think this will be one of my happiest Christmas' yet.  It seems so many of my dreams have come true.  I pray that God will give me some energy and stamina so that I may participate as much as my heart yearns.

Happy Holidays My Dear Friends,


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Christmas Time!

If you have not have the pleasure of visiting a retail establishment, and having then been assaulted by Christmas music, then you should be informed that the Christmas time of year has returned.  I know that things are different nowadays from when I was a kid.  While I am picking up my Halloween candy, I could also select my Christmas candy canes and get a jump start on the Christmas holiday shopping.  I am sure you can hear the edge in my voice, I confess, it drives me crazy.  I would like an official law passed that no Christmas item can hit the shelves until December first out of respect for Thanksgiving. Ah but I digress, this is in fact a positive blog post.  You have to keep that negativity under control or it slips out when you least expect it.

I am curious to know what item, food, or decoration just announces Christmas in your life?  It may be hard for you to pick just one thing because it is hard for me.  My grandmother always kept Christmas cactus' and they were huge and glorious.  I have one in my office that is hot pink and it has 30 or so blooms on it.  It is beautiful.  It reminds me of Grammie Audet's house.  My other grandmother always displayed a ceramic Christmas tree with little colorful lights on it and this revved up the Christmas spirit for me.  I have always wanted to have one of those for my office but have yet to obtain one.

The one thing for me though, is the Christmas Angel Tree Topper that my parents purchased when I was a kid to decorate their tree.  It was magical for me as a child, and it stirs those feelings in me now when I see it.  It is next to me in the chair in this photo.  I have given her a makeover.  After twenty years her gold wire wings and dress had seen better days.  I am forty now and terrified to leave the Christmas tree on if she lit up because I don't trust her wiring.  Does it seem silly to you that I am considering having her re-wired? 

As you get older, it may begin to seem like a lot of work to unpack all the Christmas decorations and put them all up, only to later take them all down and put them away.  It was beginning to feel that way for me.  Then the other day, I overheard my husband and son putting up or little 3 foot Christmas tree and lights.  My son was extremely impressed and excited.  He is fascinated by the lights and the ornaments.  I then insisted we find our LL Bean embroidered stockings and hang those.  They say Mom, Dad and Tan.  He is 2 1/2 and he looked them over, read the names (with help), and then hooked them up with Huy.  He reached his arm down into the bottom of a couple of them to see if there was anything in them but found nothing.  He loves it and he doesn't even realize what is coming his way.

I hope that while I am helping him understand the true meaning of Christmas that he will also find some special foods and items that stir those holiday feelings for him.  We started last year making the sugar cookies painted with colored icing.  He liked it.  He did paint his tongue quit a bit, though.  When Auntie Tracey comes next week we will put up the tree and hang some ornaments.  I am really looking forward to this year with my little boy.  It reminds me of how important special memories are which is why I look forward to making some.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Everyone!! 


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Life Lesson #too high to count

My heart is grieved.  My soul is weary.  I need some recharging, I guess.  As I sit in my chair, eager to be pressed into service, the stories I hear are hard to stomach.  I have been wondering when the world went crazy and how bad I want to get off this ride.
Luckily, for me, I can only stand so much of this before I begin searching for an exit stragedy.  I just do not like feeling bad and I begin working on shift.  I have to shift my thoughts.  I have to shift my focus.  I need to lift my eyes.  I need to do it quick before I get infected.  You see these sorts of thoughts and feeling are contagious and this is not what I want to catch.  It could lead to me feeling sorry for myself and I refuse to do that, allow that, or live in that space.

I am given this verse tonight and want to share it with you

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Philippians 4:8


Monday, December 5, 2011

The Innocence of Children

My beautiful son is 32 months old and fast approaching three years old.  He has a great sense of humor and is language skills improve by the day.  I still cannot keep my eyes off his face.  I never tire of looking at him. 

My heart is a bit heavy the last few days.  My work brings me face to face with the pain and suffering that is so prevalent in this world we live in.  We live in a world where people hurt each other, and whether or not the they do it intentionally or carelessly, the consequences are real.  It is hard to avoid hearing about it and sadly the triumphs in this life are not broadcast as far or as often.

I write this because we are in the Christmas season.  This is a time of celebrating the birth of the child that came to save the world.  Yes. it has become very commercialized, but through the eyes of a child it is a beautiful, magical time.  My son is awestruck by the lights and the decorations.  He looks at the houses and all their adornments with admiration.  They glow so pretty in the dark.

I intend to take this heavy heart of mine and work on making this year a time of celebration for my son.  I commit to protecting his innocence and I commit to protecting him.  I will guard myself when I am angry or tired or feeling sick and respond to him lovingly. I will forgive myself and re-commit when I fall short because I am a human parent.

 I will use appropriate discipline that is neither harsh nor abusive because I love him and it is my job to guide him but not harm him.  I will remember that I have a voice and an influence in this world.  I will continue to shine my light into the world in the hope and prayer that I can make a difference in other children's lives as well.  They will grow to be the citizens and neighbors of my son.

I hope and pray that this will be a reminder to you, this Christmas season, to be kind and generous.  I hope you will also shine your light into a dark world and offer a hand to lift someone up. 


In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.  Matthew 5:16