There have been high highs and low lows. I have stooped to levels I did not believe I would and torn pages out of my personal rule book without even an ounce of guilt. Case in point, the other day my son brought me a red cherry dum dums lollipop. I was lying in bed too sick to get up. He held it tightly in his tiny fist and handed it to me. He wanted me to open it up. Four years ago my personal rule book believed it was incorrigible to give a child under three years old candy. That day I opened it and handed it back. He immediately whisked it from my hand and stuffed it into his mouth. There was a recognizable look of satisfaction on his face and he trotted off to find his father. I tore out the rule page on red dyes, sticky fingers and giving young children candy. I thought to myself, who gives a damn? I can survive all day on that look of satisfaction. In the past, I would have regarded this action as no less than criminal since they are born out of a parent's need to satisfy the parent and not out of regard for the best interests of a child. Well I can tell you two things about that; one - I do not take myself very seriously these days and two - my child's best interest is having two parents his whole life.
People die from cancer. I might die from this cancer. Suddenly the value on my minutes, hours and days has been kicked up a few notches. I vow to do a decent job on parenting and forget about perfection. I have already torn out the rule pages on co-sleeping, lying down with your child to get him to sleep, and giving too many kisses in the same day.
I hear about people dying from cancer every day. I wonder if I will die. As I contemplate these facts my rule book gets thinner and thinner. I am certainly not militant but let me tell you that the phrase "life is too short" has taken on special meaning. I would like to take this opportunity to make a few apologies. If you have called me recently and left a message but I have not called you back in a timely manner please understand that there is a lot of my plate right now. I reserve the right to be a little lax in my responsibilities, so therefore, I will need to rely on you to call me back. If you have done something for me lately or sent me a gift and are awaiting a thank you card, please excuse me, it might be awhile. It is on my to do list right under make my son giggle.
By now, many of you are wondering if I am ranting or just making excuses for my own rude behavior. Frankly I am not sure which of these apply as those pages have also been torn out and shredded. The word discipline almost makes me laugh to the point of tears coming down my face. I believe it has it's importance, don't get me wrong, it is just that I have bigger fish to fry. I will return to discipline and obligation as soon as I figure out how to make sure that I am going to be in my son's life.
I hear the words..."Let Go and Let God" slamming around in my head. I take a deep breath and try to recover my patience. Rats!!! Now I remember that I don't have any patience. You know, introspectively speaking, it is a difficult thing to be patient about. I feel like I am sitting around awaiting a memo that the jury has returned and I should come and hear their decision. I also hear the phrase, "relax because God is in charge". Again this is much easier in theory than it is in practice. I guess I am still a work in progress. The last year has brought new challenges but have emphasized some points that were already there. Mainly, I am not in control and neither are you. Life is precious and ever too short so hug the ones you love and stop and smell the roses.
As for rule books, obligation and discipline they serve a purpose on this journey but do not let them get in the way. Sometimes they can take over. Be careful about that. Sometimes we need mental health days, a little candy and fun just for the fun of it.
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