Today I was on the phone with an old friend of the family. Though she is not much of a techy she admitted that she tuned into the blog last night and read nearly all of it. She then said the phrase we have been hearing over and over from a lot of you. "I would have commented but I didn't know what to say." Now this friend is a woman who works as a nurse in Oncology. This just goes to show you that being around people affected by cancer is not something you get used to and it doesn't give you a leg up on "what to say".
Her family is having some painful emotional struggles right now and she was loathe to share them with me. I was trying to listen and offer her some support. I desire nothing more to have a mutually supportive relationship with her and her family. This friend stated that she enjoyed the blog, she laughed, she cried and she felt better about her own situation. That was what she said but it wasn't the truth. The truth was that she was using the fact that I have cancer to invalidate her feelings and her own pain.
Pain is pain. I have a story that I tell my clients. I told the story to her and now I am going to tell it to you. Imagine that you are in the hospital with a broken leg. Not a simple break but a very serious broken leg. As you lay there in pain moaning and groaning you look over and notice someone else being brought into the room. When the hospital staff get this person settled you immediately realize that they have just had their leg amputated. Seeing that their situation is worse than yours does not make your leg hurt any less. They are in pain and you are pain. Your pain is your pain. Your pain is important to God no matter how you may try to trivialize it.
Luke 12:7 Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid, you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
God does not triage. Our prayers to God are not heard in the order in which they are received. We are not distributed according to some level of urgency with some of his children taking priority over others. I am being prayed for by a lot of people but I am not monopolizing His time.
You are my friend so please come here, sit by me, let's hold hands and squeeze them. I want to see your face. I want to hug you and press my cheek against your cheek. I want to help you carry in the groceries. I want to experience being around you. I don't want to wait for a "good day". You are important to me and I want to be with you.
Lets talk about what is going on in your life. I want to hear and comfort you during the good, the bad, the ugly. I want you to comfort me also. Lets be in a relationship with each other and lets makes sure the we both get a turn.
Can we do that? Are you willing to accept that my cancer does not diminish your needs, struggles, and pain. We can make room to talk about both. You get equal billing. I am your friend and we take turns because we love each other. Please note that I am asking this from all of you not just my dear old family friend.
2 comments:
Right on, Susan. I'd been holding out on your mom about some of my own pain out of concern for her load, but remembered that sharing our burdens is what we are called to do, and it brings a great sense of peace to do so. My husband calls me a "pathological caregiver" (I'm a former hospice administrator), and it has been hard for me to learn to let others care for me at times. I'm glad that you are seeking that balance as well -- giving and receiving.
That was really well said, Susan. I know exactly what you are saying in that often it is logical to think that others' situations that are more serious than our own should certainly diminish the gravity of our own problems. I have several friends whose daughters are fighting cancer, also (there, I even said the word...a very difficult task in and of itself) and when I whine, I often find myself saying, "In the grand scheme of things, my problems are not even close to being important. Just put on your big-girl panties, Kate, and deal with it." Often as friends and supporters I think we find ourselves either hiding/avoiding, so to speak, for lack of a solution, or "the right thing to say," or on the flip side, as I have found myself doing, embracing the situation as if it were our own. We then can totally avoid our own pain, avoid solving our own problems because we are totally immersed in yours(and others). A very, very dear friend of mine does an incredible job of keeping me grounded and tries to help me separate my own life from the lives of my friends that need support. The key for me was her telling me that no matter how much of the other person's pain and suffering I felt, it was NOT my life. While initially that may sound crass, her point was that my taking on their suffering did not help any one in any manner at all. It fixed nothing. It did not cure them. If anything, it took away the things I could give my friends that they needed most...my sense of humor, my smile, my inability to stop rambling incessantly at times, my ability to carry on an intelligent conversation, AND, sometimes to actually even say the right things to my friends that would lift them out of the doldrums. Keeping them separate, however, takes a lot of focus, but I think it really helps us all so much more in the long run. "Lets make sure we both get a turn." I like that.
Post a Comment