When you find yourself lying on your back, energy depleted, and unsure how many days you have left: it hits you. Am I living my life or am I existing? Things that seemed so important in the past seem like a ghastly waste of my energy now. Long gone are the weeks when I pull 50-60 hours of work and grab a bite to eat on the run from a fast food joint.
Now, I find that I am contemplating the wisdom of French women who eat only high quality food, dine in a leisurely and luxurious pace and fill the accompanying seats with cherished loved ones. My days are growing shorter as I find myself in bed earlier and earlier. My desire to spend time on activities that are not meaningful seems less and less appealing.
Why eat waxy, cheap Easter chocolate when you could be eating Godiva or Ghiradelli? It seems silly doesn't it? This is a metaphor ...do not send me chocolate! I am taking a look at my time usage and seeing how it fits in the living versus existing measurement tool.
I have an urge to hug and hold those that I love. I want to be silly and giggle with my baby. I want to drench my eyes in the gorgeous, natural canvas that God has created. While we are crying out to God for a miracle I want to ensure that my days are spent in pursuit of a life well lived. I want to live a life to tell stories about in my old age. I plan for some of those nursing-home stories to be provocative and jaw dropping.
I want to cause a ruckus and inflict belly laughs on those listening. I want to inspire and bring folks to tears. I believe my best story, though, will be about how I looked cancer in the face and beat the odds. I want talk about how the referee started the countdown and I was not finished yet.
Until then folks, I am planning to live life full bore and rack up the stories. I want the legacy of my life to be far from the existing spectrum. Most of all though, I want all of you to be able to say the same about your lives.
Susan
5 comments:
I saw the Dr. today. She took me off arimidex and put me on faslodex injections. If this doesn't work then we move back to chemotherapy. Everyone keep praying please because she and we are getting concerned. I will be having an MRI soon to determine if I need radiation to protect my hips. (facebook post)
This is certainly not the news we all wanted. Hopefully she will start the chemo soon. I still read your blog every morning and every evening. Loved the story your Mom told of you getting seasick and just carrying on with the trip. Read your blog about existing versus living. Anyone facing the possibility of death certainly struggles with those thoughts. I am with you. Being with your family and loved ones is truly living. Sitting around telling the stories of your history together, laughing and crying and watching the faces you cherish so much. You have had such an impact on so many lives, and have given so much of yourself. That's living! You produced a beautiful, perfect little boy who could one day grow up to be the President. That's living! You have hundreds of friends whose life you have impacted for the better, and circle you with a warm blanket of love while you face this battle. That's living! You know how to laugh, empathize, listen, conjole, reassure and love. That's living! Carry on with your blog, as you never know how many strangers lives you may affect. I admire you and your family so much. Keep fighting the battle. You have already racked up so many adventures, and it would be a real waste not to share these stories with your children and grandchildren, as well as the other people in the retirement home. You still have a lot to accomplish and to share, so pull up your boot straps, grit your teeth, style the wigs, clutch your coach purses and go to war!
Love you
Jimmy
Jimmy said it all, and oh so eloquently. Keep fighting, give it your all, and the world will pray and smile as you live beautifully!
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