Giving and Receiving

Are you better at giving or receiving?  Are you a cheerful receiver or just a cheerful giver?  I have found in my life that this little theme rears it head from time to time and I have to work on myself.  I like being the giver and I thought I was a decent receiver until all this cancer stuff came around and I am being challenged.

This weekend we went to a huge family get together and I could not wait to see my cousin Matthew and his wife so that I could give them a present.  Mind you, I had already ordered things and had it mailed to them but I was extremely anxious to see them open the gift that my neighbor Marge had sewn for them.  I could hardly contain myself and after they arrived and greeted half of the family my patience wore out and I had Jenn open the gift.

She seemed to be pleased with the gift which pleased me all the more.  There is nothing more satisfying than giving a really marvelous gift.  Fortunately for me, my cousin Matthew's wife is an excellent receiver or she would have sucked all the joy out of my gift giving.  It can be frustrating to be in a position of wanting to give and have the other person roll their eyes, protest and to tell you why they do not deserve your gift.

I heard someone say once that giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin.  There has to be a receiver in order for someone to give.  You cannot have one without the other. There is a joyful aspect of giving and there can be one in receiving also if done correctly.  I find, in myself, that sometimes I am a terrible receiver.  I have gotten better with compliments and gifts on my birthday but at times my capacity to receive is stretched.  There are times currently that I am unable to give to myself.  I need help.  I don't like having to rely on those around me for help.

My dear parents have been providing that help and giving in an amazing unceasing manner.  They are loving and strong and determined to bring me through this.  I am feeling frustrated that my strength and my ability to take care of myself and my son is diminishing.  My spirit's feelings are hurt over this.  I want to jump up and help back.  I want to get my mother breakfast instead of the other way around.  I want to reward them for their kindness.  I want a chance to give because, and I feel pouty here, I am tired of receiving.

If you turn to the passage in Acts 20:35 and you read the verses that come before the "it is better to give than receive" in the Bible, you will see that Jesus is not dissing on receiving.  I always thought that He was and this encouraged my unhealthy preference for the giving side.  One commentary on this chapter said this: His parting words, taken from a quote of Jesus’ unrecorded in the gospels, are perfect for all who would minister to God’s people: It is more blessed to give than to receive.  Ministers must be more concerned about what they can give their flock than concerned about what their flock can give them.

It is an ecouragment to give to those who are in need without thought of what you are going to get back.  It is an admonishment to those who are greatly blessed to find those who are not and assist them.  It does not say do not be in the position of being a receiver because that is bad.

I am working through the uncomfortable feelings associated with being in need and being in a position of having to receive.  I need help from my husband, my dad, my mom, my siblings, my friends, and occasionally even my clients.  I have always been so strong and so independent.  It truly is hard for me to be in this position and we are going on a year now.  In order for me to have a victory over my current circumstance I must open my heart and receive the love, the giving and the assistance of others.  I cannot survive this alone.

This is a personal struggle that I no doubt share with others.  I am working on being a cheerful receiver and learning to be satisfied with the paltry smiles and gratitude I am able to offer in return for things I deem to be deserving of so much more.  Feel free to be confrontational with me when I am not doing so well.  It is part of my spiritual growth.  I prefer to learn the lessons quickly and get up to speed hastily as these are lessons that I do not want to repeat or have them drag on.

To my mother and father, who get me endless glasses of water so that I don't have to get up and can conserve my energy, I thank you. To my dad, who takes the baby at night so that I have my best chance to sleep and restore, I am indebted to you. To my sister and brother, who have had to do more cleaning, preparing and getting things ready for me, I thank you and I appreciate you.  To my husband, who has had to become both provider and homemaker, I want you to know that I appreciate you and I am lucky to have you.  You have the double duty of keeping our house clean and caring for a rambunctious child and sick wife.  I want to jump up and have it all done for you so that you can rest or get away but I do not have the strength.  Thanking you seems so incomplete and so lackluster.  I feel angry and a little sad in my desire to make things more in balance.  I am having a moment where I am gritting my teeth.  I do not like this.

I am a work in progress.  In this blog post I have soap boxed, complained and tried to be honest about where I am.  Maybe you could help me figure all this out.  I welcome suggestions and advice regarding my spiritual growth issues.  I really want to be a better person.  Clearly I need to work on being a better receiver.  Please email me at suzi890801@msn.com or comment on the blog.  I hate to admit it but I could use your help.