Living Versus Existing

When you find yourself lying on your back, energy depleted, and unsure how many days you have left: it hits you. Am I living my life or am I existing? Things that seemed so important in the past seem like a ghastly waste of my energy now. Long gone are the weeks when I pull 50-60 hours of work and grab a bite to eat on the run from a fast food joint.

Now, I find that I am contemplating the wisdom of French women who eat only high quality food, dine in a leisurely and luxurious pace and fill the accompanying seats with cherished loved ones. My days are growing shorter as I find myself in bed earlier and earlier. My desire to spend time on activities that are not meaningful seems less and less appealing.

Why eat waxy, cheap Easter chocolate when you could be eating Godiva or Ghiradelli? It seems silly doesn't it? This is a metaphor ...do not send me chocolate! I am taking a look at my time usage and seeing how it fits in the living versus existing measurement tool.

I have an urge to hug and hold those that I love. I want to be silly and giggle with my baby. I want to drench my eyes in the gorgeous, natural canvas that God has created. While we are crying out to God for a miracle I want to ensure that my days are spent in pursuit of a life well lived. I want to live a life to tell stories about in my old age. I plan for some of those nursing-home stories to be provocative and jaw dropping.

I want to cause a ruckus and inflict belly laughs on those listening.  I want to inspire and bring folks to tears. I believe my best story, though, will be about how I looked cancer in the face and beat the odds. I want talk about how the referee started the countdown and I was not finished yet.

Until then folks, I am planning to live life full bore and rack up the stories.  I want the legacy of my life to be far from the existing spectrum. Most of all though, I want all of you to be able to say the same about your lives.

Susan

It's Hard to Keep a Good Woman Down

It has been an honor and is actually very humbling to see the response this blog is getting by friends old and new, near and far. (who came up with the word 'blog' and what on earth does it mean?). Some of you have had the opportunity to get to know Susan first-hand, and others are meeting her for the first time. From your comments and emails, her father and I can see that you appreciate her for the unique and lovely person she is. She is now, always has been, and always will be, an upbeat optimist who attacks life with enthusiasm and good humor. Would you like a first hand account of one example?

In November 2008, our family embarked on a Carnival Cruise together from the Port of Tampa. Everyone flew to our home in Florida and we enjoyed a few days of swimming, biking, and recreational cooking together before our 5 day cruise. It was the usual western Caribbean itinerary of Grand Cayman, Cozumel and so on. We also planned to take a day trip to the Mayan Ruins in Cozumel as that was one of Tracey's goals in life and a big interest of hers.

Now, keep in mind that at this point, Susan was about 4-5 months pregnant with our precious little grandson (and monster) Tan. So on the day of the Mayan ruin trip, we enjoyed the usual enormous breakfast and left the cruise ship for the excursion. We were subsequently loaded onto a small vessel with seating for about 100 people, and we set off across the bay. The boat seemed to go about 100 miles an hour, wildly crashing through the choppy waves, careening toward our destination. We held on for dear life, salt spray splashing up at us, people juggling drinks and food as they tried to move around the boat and stay on their feet. It was a wild ride and lasted about an hour. 55 minutes into it, with the pier in sight, I realized Susan had turned an interesting shade of green, and had that familiar look on her face that I knew so well. Her eyes sort of bug out and her mouth twists sideways in a cute little grimace. It was all over. By that I mean, it was all over the boat, all over the deck, all over Susan. Tracey took one look at her and made her own beeline up and over the back of the bench in a furious scramble to miss being hit. So there we were, somewhere in Mexico, and Susan was just covered in vomit - totally and completely.

We all got off the boat and keep in mind that we had to keep up with the rest of the tour, but somehow she managed to find a bathroom and stripped off. Have you ever been in a bathroom in a tourist town in Mexico? If your answer is no, then I recommend that you cross this off your bucket list and forget it. Anyway, speaking spanish she quickly bought a tee-shirt to replace the soggy and smelly one that was soaking in the filthy sink, and put her Capri's back on after being rinsed out in that same sink. They were soaking, dripping wet. We then piled into a bus for a 90 minute ride to the ruins. Have you ever been in a tour bus all day in Mexico with someone who has just tossed their cookies? Same recommendation as above, forget it.

Needless to say, we got the distinct impression that people were avoiding us all day. Can't imagine why. Here's the point. Through it all, Susan never once complained, fussed, or otherwise had a spoiled day. Quite the opposite, she and we had a great time exploring and spending time in Mexico. There is no such thing as a bad day for her, and she scored a souvenir tee-shirt that she still has. Susan's good humor and ability to laugh at herself when things go wrong is a remarkable life lesson for each of us.

If You Are Scared For Me & Want To Do Something

I talked to one of my best friends today. I haven't talked to her in awhile and when she found out how I was doing (my tumor markers hitting 949) she began to cry. We have a great relationship her and I and we tell each other the truth. She admitted that she was scared for me. Me telling her that I wasn't scared didn't help. I had to threaten her with... if she didn't stop crying then I would start crying and then we would be in a fine mess.

Jill is my reality check friend and we talk at a gut honest level. She wants to help and like so many of you have expressed she doesn't know what to do. She knows that it is a lot for me to work, be a mother, and take care of my health so she hasn't wanted to take up some of my time by squirming her way in. (see Jill at http://www.passionandpower.net/)

Jill asked about my pain. Having worked in hospice she knows that bone pain is a deep pain that is not touched easily by the strong medications I have been given. She wondered out loud if I take them and how I am managing. The truth is I am in pain but not all the time. I am not even in pain every day. When I get really tired my spine aches. Today, one of my toes hurt bad for about five minutes. Honestly, I am not suffering with very much pain. Jill and I made plans for me to drink more margaritas. She suggested wine but I have never developed a taste for it. She asked me what happens when I drink wine and my response was, "I make funny faces." Frozen margaritas are a nice treat and I made a shopping list for myself in my head of the ingredients I am missing.

She said that she wonders how she would feel if she were me and the thought is so scary and depressing that she can't go there. She doesn't think that she could go to work in pain. I told her she sure would. I work as a counselor and yes, sometimes as I sit in my chair I am in some pain. I love what I do. It is an honor to make a difference in people's lives and it is how I serve. If I am in pain, I would be in pain at home or I could go and try to make a difference. Honestly folks, you would all make the same choice. I am sure of it.

We talked about the blog and how much I am enjoying it. I winced a little at this as her and I started a blog and I found myself too busy to help out. Jill is so sweet to me and suggested that I have a lot to say on this one. She promised to read it. I promised in my head to be a better person.

Jill asked about how I was staying happy these days and I told her that I am planning a big remodel project, I am planning trips to take with my family, and (I didn't tell her this) I am dreaming of the baby girl that I will one day hold in my arms named Mai.

I am blessed to have so many friends, a dynamic family and now so many readers of this blog. I know that you are scared for me and want to do something so I will make you a list. If you want to help here are some ideas for you.

1. Pray for me and ask others to pray for me.
2. Read my blog, post comments on it and share my blog with as many people as you can.
3. Buy me Coach purses...actually just kidding on that one. I am just making sure that you are paying attention. (Please don't, I have a very small house and I really was kidding.)
4. Reconnect with people that you love and love on them.
5. Pay it forward with random acts of kindness and then email me at suzi890801@msn.com to tell me what you did. The more creative the better. If you really wow me than I will send you a present. No, it will not be a Coach from my collection. Geez what a bunch of blood-sucking weasels!
6. Send me remodel ideas for making the most of out small spaces.
7. Tell me about fabulous trips that you have taken and make a case for why I should include that on my list.

I want you all to know that yes I do get scared but I choose not to stay scared. No, I do not get angry. I know that some of you feel angry for me but I wish that you wouldn't. Ok, point of clarification. I get angry a lot. If you know me then you have seen me angry. I do not feel any anger concerning the fact that I have cancer.

If any of you have questions please email me and ask them. You can ask me gross medical questions, psychological ..are you in denial questions, any type of questions are welcome. If you have suggestions on more items to add to my list feel free to let me know. I will post an addendum.

Also if you notice I have forgotten punctuation and you can get to me before my mother does there will be an additional prize. Be hasty! I tend to drive her crazy.

I love you all. I love you for caring. You don't have to do anything big. You don't even have to do it for me. Do it for someone you find in need and then you can share that with me if you like. It will feel like an extension of my own arms and it will put a smile on my face.

Susan

Why Did I Get Cancer?

Tonight I got the news that my tumor markers are at 949 up from 658 on 8-26. I have been asked repeatedly why I got cancer. You see, some people believe that disease manifests from unresolved emotional conflict. Perhaps there is someone I am refusing to forgive and that is why I have cancer. Others have mentioned that since it is breast cancer it is an issue with my femininity, or I have experienced a lack of nurturing in my life, and others suggest mother issues.

As a mental health EMDR therapist I have seen physical symptoms clear when you address the trauma, so I so I am willing to concede that some of this might have merit. There has also been a whisper that maybe there is something God needs to teach me through this and develop my spiritual life. Is my job to be Job?

It is funny to hear all the theories and to hear what they say about cancer. One friend said, "you are so nice and you have never hurt people so how did you get cancer." "Only mean people should get cancer." While others see cancer as an enemy, and so they make war with cancer. The proclaim how they "hate" cancer and they march against it.

There are those still that look for the answers in nutrition and point to an unhealthy diet as the cause. Certainly there must be some merit in this as cancer and other illness' have risen. They seek control and safety through the careful management of diet and personal habits.

I ask my clients this question "what do you believe happens when you die?"   The answer is, you get to go to heaven and commune with the Creator. The best part of heaven, besides the Father, is that there is no sickness, no sadness and no negativity. It is an occupational hazard to occupy time and live here on earth. Simply being on earth and not in heaven means that we are at risk. We were not promised a life of ease and free of strife here on the beautiful planet we call home.

Did I eat too unhealthy of a diet? Am I holding a grudge, and was there wounding somewhere in my life from someone? Oh maybe. I have not the time nor the desire to probe very far into all that. I don't think that the purpose of my life is to learn how to overcome eating donuts.

The bottom line is this....Salvation is not obtained through works. You cannot be good enough, self-controlling enough, or self introspective enough to be safe on a planet where we all are going to die. You cannot hold back the tide and you cannot avoid all harm. We don't live on a planet where if you are good you get only good, and if you are bad, only evil, and negative comes your way.  Did I deserve cancer?   If I behave good enough will I be spared? It doesn't work that way.

In earthly life we have very little control.  I suggest that we focus on what we can do.  We can control our attitude. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to do the best job that we can with whatever life throws at us. We can live our life in love, rather than in hate, at war, or fighting against and with our eyes solidly on the prize. We can hold our heads up and keep going.

Salvation is obtained by confessing our sins to God. We need to pray and ask Jesus to come into our hearts and to teach us how to be in relationship with him. We need to accept the gift he gave us when he died for our sins and we need to remember the miracle of how he defeated death.  He is preparing a wonderful place for us to all be together in once we vacate this life and these bodies.

When you stop and think about all that has happened and all that will happen, is there really any reason to waste time and energy on the hows and whys?  I certainly don't feel the need to be angry or sad for long when I think about all that I have now, and all that I have to look forward to.

Why did I get cancer?   Shucks, I don't know.   But I know this, I plan to squeeze as much life, love and opportunity out of this life, and then the one on the other side.   Who is with me?

Psalm 30 Thanksgiving for Deliverance From Death

Psalm 30:1-5

I will extol Thee, O Lord, for Thou hast lifted me up, and hast not let my enemies rejoice over me.

O Lord my God, I cried out to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me.

O Lord, Thou hast brought up my soul from Sheol: Thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.

I just wanted to share these verses for those of you who are praying. God's word is filled with promises that he does not want his children to be afflicted, to be sick or to die in sickness. God is a good father who wants His children to be well.

That not only is a promise for me but for you. It is not meant for only serious illness' but for every illness and includes even afflictions of the heart. If you are feeling sad, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed or are suffering with a serious illness remember Psalm 30.

I hope your day is filled with pleasant surprises, smiles and blessings.

Susan

Coach Purse Addiction

Mom,

Thanks for outing me on the blog regarding my newly developed taste for fine purses made by Coach. 

I had a client, whom we will refer to as Client X, felt that she was taking advantage of my time and energy and wished that she could find some way to repay me.  I told her to "get over it" as I was happy with the amount I was being paid for sessions (part of the problem was that we were doing multiple sessions weekly and I can only charge her insurance 1 time per week so I was charging her the normal "co-pay" for the additional sessions).  Since she could not get past it I suggested she tip me from time to time to ease her conscious or try to "get over it." 

One day I received an email from her asking if the "tip" could be in the form of a Coach purse.  At the time I thought that this was utterly ridiculous and was quite happy with my purse that Huy bought me in Vietnam when he was courting me.  I continued to think it over and asked her if she really needed to feel better and stated several times that it was unnecessary.  She stated that she planned to get rid of it anyway and it would do her a big favor.  So I relented.  Huge mistake.  Hold on while I check my email and find out when this was exactly.

OK folks, it is worse than I thought as this occurred in the beginning of June.  It is now September and I am sad to say that multiple Coach purses, wallets, briefcase and business tote later, it is pretty solidly set in.  Shortly after she gave me the purse, I looked on Coach.com and saw how much they are. Then I went to Florida and Mom presented me with the brown beauty (that I so deftly slipped in my suitcase).  All of this I was able to take in stride until Courtney ( Coach purse aficionado) recognized them as Coach and fussed over them and the rest they say is history.

I try to tell myself that it all stems out of my need to focus on something positive but the sheer totality of this addiction is staggering.  Jimmy has found me some real major bargains in her weekend travels and I have scored some beauties in my Craigslist career.  It is hopeless.  Even now as I write I am itching to check Craigslist for Coach purses.  I shake my head at myself.

They say that confession is good for the soul and perhaps confession to this blog audience and having people ask me if I have bought any lately will help me to stop.  I sincerely doubt it and secretly hope it doesn't, but we will see.  I put it to you like this....Is there anything wrong with having fabulous purses?  Is there anything wrong with a little self-indulgence?  Ok, as a therapist I know that too much self-indulgence is not good but I am grasping at straws here.  I Love Coach.  There, I said it.  Call me a blood sucking weasel but I stand behind my decision to accept the gift from my mother and the right to delight in fabulous purses.  I am a girl!!!

Susan

An Email Message From a Beloved Friend

(either you guys will post them or I will!!!)

Subject: Your Journey
Just want you to know how inspirational your blog is. I put it on my facebook and a lot of people are following her story. Susan handles all of this with such grace and dignity. She has an inner peace and joy that is absolutely amazing. My words for heal are:
Help
Extend
A
Life
That is what healing does. Susan has done so much good and is capable of helping so many more people, I can't help but think that God, in all his mercy, will send us a miracle. Please keep writing!
Jimmy

You said it Jimmy.  She is one remarkable woman and I am so proud to call her daughter and best friend.  (and "blood-sucking weasel" which is what she calls herself when she finds herself the receipent of fine gifts and treasures (like my Coach purse).   She tries to pretend "it is too much" all the while it is deftly slipped into her suitcase.   Oh, she has us figured out and plays her hand very well indeed).  Now why can't she figure out that weasels don't suck blood?  

Laughter is the best medicine

I posted on Facebook Monday that I had dinner with my long time friend Michelle Smith and we just laughed and laughed.  Gosh it felt so good to tell stories to each other and laugh and make jokes.  She has to be the funniest person I know.  We had dinner together at Chipotle and it was a blast.

I have mentioned before and it bears repeating that anytime I can feel like myself and forget all the nonsense it refreshes my sense of self and re-invigorates me for the battle.  It is tried and true advice that when life is kicking our pants we need to reach out and connect.  Even Michelle can testify to how many times I have lectured her that when she feels down that she needs to reach out to me or other loved ones.

Well folks I have to tell you that I am a person that God has blessed immensely.  There are many, many wonderful people in my life like Michelle Smith.  There are so many of you pulling for me, praying for me, fasting for me, and reaching out to me.  I can feel your hugs and squeezes even the ones from afar.  I feel like a surfer buoyed up by the staggering amount of support that I am receiving.  It means so much to me.

I want each of you to think about the people in your life that mean a lot to you.  Is there anyone whom you haven't spoken to in awhile?  Have you been too busy to have lunch with the girlfriends?  Is life kicking your pants?  Do you want Michelle's phone number?  Just kidding.  Call your Michelle and invite her to lunch. As you laugh and laugh and become reminded of the best part of yourself you will thank me.  You will thank me but the person who truly deserves the thanking is yourself because stopping and taking time with loved ones is what it is all about.  Ok gosh I am getting sappy but I am having a George Bailey...It's a Wonderful Life moment and I am feeling astounded and blessed that I am so loved.

And FYI I checked the statistics tonight on the blog and it has been viewed.....drum roll please....508 times.  Wow.  Zowie.  Hey how come some of you haven't joined or commented?  Unless of course the ten people who are following the blog have read it 50 times over each.

In Search of that Illusive Peace

Well, Susan has mentioned that Paul and I have been almost frightened out of our minds by this disease and the threat it brings to Susan and our whole family.   Fear does terrible things as you know and as I have learned first hand.  The worst thing is that is drives out peace.  No more blissful nights sleeping, you now wake up in the middle of the night and then lay there with your mind if full gear, imagining the worst.   Fear is like a giant invisible black cloud that follows you everywhere and negatively colors every moment of every day.  Yesterday, Susan journaled some of her methods for taking back control when fear starts to well up.  I have some methods of my own that I will add tonight.  Unfortunately, time is up and I am heading to work.  Have a great day everyone and thank you for your prayers for our family.  God is working in a powerful way and I am excited to be able to share that.
OK, back at it.   One weekend a few months ago, after another particularly bad piece of Susan news, I sort of curled up in the fetal position on the couch and just hibernated.  I was a low as a snake's belly and just couldn't force myself to do anything except feel exceedingly sorry for myself.  I didn't walk, I didn't swim, I didn't do anything that could even vaguely construed as fun.   Sunday evening I asked Susan what she had done.  She had gone swimming with a friend, had gone out to eat, had watched a few favorite movies.  I thought to myself, "self, learn from this."  So I have tried (operative word- tried) to live in a more positive way, believing that if I put the right efforts in, the right feelings will follow.  This has been mostly successful, and doing active things, (swimming, walking, zumba, spending time with friends, convincing Andrea to go out to lunch occasionally) has helped.  So have my prescription 'happy pills' that I finally decided to go onto when I found I couldn't concentrate and was altogether too weepy for my own comfort.  I have found some other methods of keeping busy and positive.  I try to keep the television off most of the time.  The news and talk shows are just too darn depressing.  If I need noise, I put on my favorite music or watch a really good movie. I have reconnected with a lot of my old standby Christian favorite songs and they feel like a comfortable old friend.  This past weekend, I really got into a PBS special of "South Pacific."  It was just beautiful and I watched it a couple of times.  I start each day with a short devotional and end it that way too.  I sometimes cook for other people, I enjoy that and so do they it seems.  And I TRY to keep my mind focused on God's truth. Philippians 4:8-10 is a great verse  "Finally, brothers (sisters too), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ... And the God of peace will be with you".   If I keep my mind pointed in the right direction and try to live in "today" and not allow myself to get caught up in the worries of tomorrow (do not be concerned with tomorrow, each day has enough troubles of its own) I do better.  I have also gotten involved with a neat group of Christian ladies in a Bible study who have supported me, cried for and with me, prayed for me, and been free with hugs.  And of course, every day, Susan and I, Tan and I, and Paul and I, all catch up on the phone and share laughter and the events of the day.  Even though I am hundreds of miles away, I feel connected and involved with the ones I love.  All for now.  Becky

We are looking for Suggestions. Please help.

I am starting to hear from many of you regarding this blog and how much you like it.  Some of you have even used the word uplifting.  Wow!  What a compliment. 

I would love to get some suggestions on topics, questions about things you are curious about or other things for my mother and I to address. 

You have to be a member to comment on the blog but you may also email me directly suzi890801@msn.com.

Thank you,

Susan

How to Stay Calm in the Midst of the Storm.

Many of you know that I work as a therapist and offer counseling to those with PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, and relationship issues among other things.  Often I see people coming in or those that I know who suffer from what I call busy mind syndrome.  There is so much going on in life these days that our brains are filled with swirling thoughts.  It is an important discipline to know how to calm this storm and be at peace.  There is a portion of our brains that simply enjoy worrying.  It is what they do and they do it well.

2 Timothy 1:7 says For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind.

This verse serves as an important reminder that we do not have to be afraid or live in fear regardless of the circumstances that we find ourselves in.  We are called to live our lives in love, in peace and with a sound, rested mind.  I have met few people who actually know how to achieve that.

I attended a training with an amazing woman named Myra Tovey who taught me the principles of heart centered living.  She teaches her students how to get out their busy minds and into their heart which leads to peace. A lot of information has come out regarding the intelligence that God put in our hearts (http://www.heartmath.org/) as opposed to the intelligence he gave us in our mind.  Heart Math offers biofeedback equipment that teaches you how to reach a peaceful state by focusing on your heart.  Many therapists I know teach their clients how to do this using computer programs.

Learning how to do this requires practice but it does not necessarily require any fancy equipment.  Here are the steps that I used to learn this.  I put my hand on my heart, I take a few deep breaths, which help to quiet the mind, and then I focus on unconditional love coming to me from God.  Feeling this love keeps me out of my head and puts me solidly in my heart.  I can then pray or meditate on Him and stay in this place. 

Doing this instantly transforms any fear, worry or stress that I may be feeling and puts me back in touch with where my heart and mind should be. It works.  Try it.

Emotional Support

A theme that keeps coming up as I talk to family, friends, acquaintances, and clients is that everyone seems to be at a loss of how to provide emotional support.  It touches me that I am so thought of and loved that the people in my life would struggle with how to tell me.  Everyone seems to feel the need to do something.

I can tell you that for those of you who are local visiting me, having lunch with me and helping me to feel like my normal self is what I crave the most.  It doesn't have to be often or in some expensive place.  I have received many gifts so FYI I have a lifetime supply of lotion and body wash.  ;) 

For those of you that are not local a short email or facebook post telling me that you are thinking of me is great.  You can send me inspirational pictures or a joke or even a funny story.  Sending a card is nice but cards build up and I have a small house. I feel guilty when I contemplate throwing out a card that you have spent time selecting and have purchased. Email blasts are preferred.  Attaching pictures of yourself would be cool too.  Then I can see your face.

Also I feel filled up with love to hear that so many of you are praying for me.  I believe in the power of prayer so this is a wonderful thing to do.  Well I am off to visit a friend and see her completed remodeling projects as I am planning to remodel  my tiny home.  Having things to plan and contemplate help me to have hope and gives me a positive things to think about.  Anyone who wants to help me with pictures and suggestions I would appreciate it. 

Will add more ideas later as I will be late.

H-E-A-L

I was spending a little time with The Father this morning before I head off to work and I started to pray specifically for Susan that God will give her a day free from pain and filled with joy.  The second part is easy because she is and always has been joyful.  It is a characteristic that Tan has inherited and it delights us.  Then I started to lean into God about healing and started to journal that God would indeed heal the bruised and broken places and heal them completely.  I began to tear that word HEAL apart and see if I could make an acronym out of it that made any sense at all.  So here is my attempt and I challenge you to ponder over it yourself as you pray that word for her.  Please share your efforts.  I hope your day is filled with blessings and joy too.  Off to work.
H    Heavenly  
E    Explosive
A   Anointing
L    Lasts
oh well, I'm new at this and terrible at scrabble too.             Becky

The Journey Of Countless Steps

As I lay in the hospital back in October 09 trying to come to terms with what was facing me the very first thought I had was that people beat cancer all the time and if they could I could.  I had wondered how I would handle myself if I were ever faced with something so severe.  Am I really as strong as others believe me to be?  I searched within myself but could conclude only a resounding YES!  My spirit shouted, "I have guts all day long."  Not poetic I agree but it will suffice to get the job done.
 
This has been a distasteful journey where many of the steps were most unpleasant ones.  I had to grit my teeth at the thought of having a bone marrow biopsy and then another in the same week.  I would have done nearly anything to save my parents from being so frightened.  It was painful to have to give up nursing my son before I was ready.  I didn't enjoy surrendering myself for port placement..in case I needed chemotherapy and don't even ask about the six months of chemo.

Some of the steps felt near impossible as I faced not being able to drive for awhile.  I didn't particularly care for the shopping in a wheelchair and I didn't think I would legally be able to park in a handicap parking spot for quite some time. I was not allowed to pick up my son for 3 months.  Sure I held him but I couldn't run to comfort him and lift him from his crib.

I could continue here but I'm sure you have derived my point.  Through all of this I kept going.  Some steps I took gingerly.  Some with strain and pain but other steps were easier.  Some steps were assisted and other steps were cheered on.  Along the way I found ways to comfort myself.  I am inspired by the song The Climb sung by Miley Cyrus.  I put this on You Tube and it gives me a lift.

Each day that passes my son learns new things.  He is quick to smile and he loves to learn new games.  Each session that concludes I am grateful that I have helped someone reach a new step in their journey.  At night I lay my head down and talk to my husband.  He is always good at making me laugh.  I am happy to have found him and I enjoy my life with him.

Life is a fabulous adventure.  Each step brings us closer to the completion of a masterpiece though we don't get to see the big picture until the end.  I have met so many wonderful people that I would not otherwise have met if it were not for this segment of the journey.  I want to be clear that this is not my journey.  It is not my wardrobe, not my identity, not my favorite color and not my journey.  This is a segment on a journey of far greater importance and I want all of you to know that I am happy and filled with peace. 

Your emails, visits, calls, cards, thoughts and prayers help to sustain me as I take each step.  Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for donating part of your journey to pray and assist me with mine.

AMEN AND AMEN

Father God, we agree with Susan and ask you to pour your Holy Spirit power into her bones as in the day of Ezekiel and bring what is dead to life and what is damaged to healing.  We pray that you focus our petitions as a laser and target the areas that need your divine healing.  Father, may her body so be healed that the healthy bone takes over and overcomes the diseased.  We pray protection for her in this process, strength and energy, freedom from pain, refreshing sleep, and joy for the journey.  Then we can also be witnesses of what you told Ezekiel "Then you will know that I AM LORD" (v6c) when you have accomplished your work.  We praise you in the powerful name of Jesus. 

Ezekiel 37:1-14

I would certainly hate to engage in some one-upping with Bible verses but these verses speak to me regarding my situation.  Cancer cells are cells that mutate and begin to run their own agenda.  It has always seemed wrong to me to visualize the cancer being attacked or cursing the cancer cells or even to regard them with hate.  I work instead on visualizing God breathing life into me and / or filling me with His healing love.

In this chapter God asks Ezekiel if the bones can live and Ezekiel replies, "O Lord God Thou knowest."  He is instructed to phrophesy over the bones.  In verse 5 it says "Thus says the Lord God to these bones, 'Behold, I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life."

Many people are praying for me and we are believing in and asking for a miracle.  I would ask that you pray these verses over me and ask God to breathe new life into my bones so that I may stand strong and once again be fit for battle.

Susan

I've been thinking about the Shumammite Woman (2 Kings 4)

She should be called the Shunammite Mother because her story is all wrapped up in her son.  Her son was a miracle along the lines of Sarah and Abraham's.  A gift late in life when she had given up and now her son was dead.  She has a curious response that I've been thinking about.  First of all, she hides him away in Elisha's room (a little rooftop space she had created for him so he could rest there).  Then she asks (informs) her husband that she needs to pop over to Mount Carmel (15 miles) to pay a visit to the prophet.   Evidently, she has told no one including her husband that the boy is dead.  And, when her husband asks why she needs to make this sudden trip, she responds "shalom" - translated "all is well".  She gives this same reply to Elisha's servant when she is asked "how are you, how is your husband, how is your child?".   SHALOM.  ALL IS WELL.   The end of the account tells us that Elisha worked yet another miracle in this woman's life and the child was restored to life.  But it is her answer that has me thinking.  I wonder if her refusal to acknowledge her son's death, gave that death no room to ever be a fact.  I wonder if my answer to people who ask about Susan (and my answer to me) should be "all is well."  All is well because we trust God.  All is well because He is soverign and in charge.  All is well because all is well.  Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give that cancer credit for anything.  I shouldn't give it any room or any power or any strong hold.  All is well.  It really is.  Becky

A Beginning

Actually, we're sorta jumping in mid-stream.  Our Journey Together is the story is coping with the onslaught of breast cancer in our beloved daughter and our battle against this monster.  It is the account of how we will not allow this beast to win and what we will do to overcome.  It is the story of love, committment, and devotion in multi-generations and of ultimate victory.  It is the account of Susan's amazing strength and determination and of how God sustains and supplies.   Becky

PET/CT SKULL BASE TO MIDTHIGH - 8-20-10

FINDINGS:
Head and Neck: No abnormal activity is seen in the visualized soft tissues of the head and neck.  Chest: No mediastinal, hilar or axillary adenopathy is seen.  There is a 10-mm soft tissue nodule in the right breast which shows no increased uptake on PET scan which is probably an area of incidental fibrous tissue.  This is unchanged from previous study.  Abdomen and pelvis: There is no physiologic (physiologic = good) distribution of radionuclide in the soft tissues below the diaphragm.  Since the previous examination, the right ovary has been removed (actually both have been removed).  Musculoskeletal: Since the previous examination, there has been marked progression of osseous (bone) metastatic disease with extensive malignant involvement of nearly all osseous structures.  Compression deformity of L3 vertebra is unchanged.  Maximum SUV in the pelvis is 30 compared to 10 on the previous examination.

Previous Examination: June 30, 2010

Important Info Regarding Cancer and your Teeth

I visited my new dentist in Colorado Springs to have some cavities filled.  The dentist was a very nice young man who gave me some important information that I wished I had prior to starting chemotherapy.  If you are in the Springs I recommend you give All Smiles Dental Group - www.allsmilesdentalgroup.com - located at

3715 Bloomington Street #160, Colorado Springs - (719) 599-0665 a try.

Here is the info:  apparently chemotherapy dries up your mouth which leads to increased risk of cavities and gum recession.  It is therefore, important to keep your mouth moist as much as you can.  Your dentist can fit you for trays so that you can do fluoride treatments at home.  He recommends this daily.  It will kill off the germs in your mouth and help you stay ahead of the game or atooth as it were.  If you refuse to go to that kind of trouble or expense then he recommends buying ACT fluoride mouthwash and using it 3-4 times daily.  Yes I said 3-4 times each day.  Finally he recommended to me that I buy the Sonicare electric toothbrush because it has a kill switch and will not allow you to use too much pressure.  This is needed to assist in being gentle enough to not cause gum recession.

Get your teeth cleaned before you start chemotherapy.  Chemotherapy works to kill all rapidly dividing cells in your body.  This includes your cancer, immune system, cells in the mouth and esophagus and stomach.  Do not have dental work done during that time as this could lead to a serious infection and worse.  Wait a couple of months after your treatment has stopped and just to be on the safe side ask them to do a very gentle cleaning.

Incidentally you are not supposed to have manicures or pedicures done either especially if on equipment used by a salon or that is regularly used on anyone besides yourself. 

Oh and while I am on a roll postpone all tattoo work until well after your immune system has recovered.

I know how important your appearance is to you so please seriously consider the above steps if you are newly on the journey.

Susan