Thursday, October 7, 2010

Home Again...Home Again

Truth be told, traveling this time around was very hard on me.  It took me a few days to recover upon arrival in beautiful Maine and some time, though less, upon return.  With fatigue comes increased pain and it landed me flat on my back coming and going.

As I was lying on my back I began noticing the extreme pain that I was in.  My hip hurt.  I then noticed the burning sensation that moved down my leg.  I felt emotionally stressed as my husband and I have not exactly been getting along over the last few weeks.  I thought about this.  I reviewed the comments that had been flung back and forth between us.  I rehearsed a few choice words that I wanted to say to him.  I felt grumpy and sorry for myself and rather exhausted.

I took my time stewing in my juices and feeling rather unhappy.  When it finally reached its crescendo I realized that I had completely missed the fork in the road and had chosen a rather unpleasant road.  You saw the fork in the road, didn't you?  It has been awhile since I had chosen the miserable road and I had to kick myself because I thought I had learned my lesson on that.

The fork in the road lay there in front of me when I was on my back and then began "my noticing."  I didn't notice the beautiful day.  I didn't notice how pleasant and cool the temperature was.  I began noticing my pain, emotional and physical, and kept on trucking from there.  Being additionally tired and physically drained left me more vulnerable to this road of misery.  Once on the road it was easy to notice all sorts of things that went along with the journey down this path.

Once feeling completely miserable, tired and upset I lingered on this path and wasted a couple of days on this venture.  As I slowly came to my senses I pondered how long it had been since I had felt so much despair, so much pain and so completely devastated.  I am pretty good at making better choices and better at spotting these forks and far better at choosing the positive road over the road of misery. 

You probably think I am being too hard on myself.  After all, I do have cancer, I am in legitimate pain and stress can take a bigger toll on me, right now, than your average person.  You might think that but then you would be wrong.  If I had spent my time on the positive road I could have been "noticing" positive things and pleasant things.  This would have put me in a positive state of mind and my suffering would have been greatly decreased.

Upon realizing my error, I was able to back track and begin making forward progress once again.  I worked on "noticing" how good it feels to sleep in my own bed especially when completely worn out from traveling.  I rejoiced at the long day of travel being over and being able to rest.  I began to give thanks for my husband and all the assistance he provides in my care and with the baby.

The further along this road I got the better I felt.  The more I moved and rested the better my body felt.  As I noticed that I could still drive and work and how much I enjoyed both, the better I continued to feel.  This positive road, otherwise known as the road to recovery, has a beautiful scenic quality to it.  It is a much easier road to travel.  It is not always well marked so you have to watch for it.  If you realize you have taken the wrong road quickly self-correct your course.  Be especially wary when you are over tired or physically unwell because it puts you at risk of a missed turn.

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