Thoughts From A Friend

Our Journey Together, the name of Susan and Becky’s blog: what does that mean to you? How are you doing with being “together” when someone faces enormous challenges, be it Susan or another loved one?

Yesterday I accompanied Jane, my college roommate and my best friend for more than 45 years, to a consultation with an elder law attorney. Jane’s husband Mac suffered a catastrophic stroke and is in a nursing facility. Since he probably will never be able to come home, Jane needed to figure out how she will manage the rest of their lives. In our Washington DC area, nursing home care costs nearly $100,000 per year. We are 65, so there are probably lots of years ahead.

Jane and Jo

Later in the day, I thought about why Jane wanted – needed – me with her. Aside from being close friends, I think one of my roles in our long relationship is being a truth teller. She counts on me to say what I think, with love, and she knows that she can trust it even if it’s not what she may be thinking. From the first days at Mac’s hospital bedside when there were awesomely difficult decisions to make, Jane was comfortable with me asking doctors the hard questions. My gift to her was saying what needed to be said but was stuck in her throat.

How often we shy away from folks in a tough place! We think that there’s nothing we can do to change the situation (probably true) or we believe we have to come up with something to say that will make it all better (definitely not true). We may convince ourselves that we’re not good at this, and someone with better skills or experience will be more effective.

But here’s the thing. We are made to live in relationship, no doubt about it. And in each of our relationships, there is a special value that meets the other person at their point of need. Each of us has unique roles in the lives of those dear to us. My role, and your role, is probably not the same for every relationship. So we need to focus on the specific relationship and think carefully about what we uniquely offer. Then do it!

Perhaps you are valued as the cheerleader. You can always be counted on to rally flagging spirits, to brighten any situation. You’re an in-you-face happy person and make it your job to encourage happiness in others.

You may be a doer. Not comfortable with offering words or sending cards, you show up and do what needs to be done, without being asked or needing to be thanked. I remember two work friends who appeared at my house while I was on leave to take care – very difficult care – of my mother. They cleaned out my (yucky) refrigerator, organized my pantry, and made a list of what I needed. They left it on the counter and quietly went home.


Butterfly

Are you a play pal? There are very few situations that cannot benefit from a little well-timed silliness. Don’t be afraid to make someone laugh so hard that tea comes out her nose. It may be initially messy, but everyone will be the better for it.

I can easily be silly OR weepy. I’m always a little taken aback when I hear of somebody being afraid he or she will cry in front of the person who is having a terrible time of it. What are we saving it for?! Shedding tears speaks to our love and deep caring. It can also offer a much-needed opportunity to the other person, inviting them to relax their stiff upper lip and release their feelings.

You may have special value as a witness. You have been through some pretty tough challenges yourself and have come out the other side. Your simple presence, without even having to talk, reassures others that they can do this, too.

And if you are related by faith, pray. It’s gotten to be a standard comment – “You’re in my thoughts and prayers,” but people who share deep roots in their faith go farther. They promise to pray by themselves and offer to pray with those who need it. (Ask first.)

I’m sure you can think of other roles that are valued in your own relationships; let’s hear about them! The good news is that none of us has to fill every role, that’s why we live in community – real or virtual – and together, we make a pretty good package. The important thing is to be the best play pal, or doer, or truth teller you can possibly be. Jump on in, make that commitment. Nobody can be another you, no one else has your history with your dear one, nobody else can give exactly what you can give. And that's plenty good enough.

We all journey together, in good times and bad. Thanks be.

Jo
Guest Blogger