Suffering

Guest Blog Written By Jo

Susan’s Christmas post on this blog was an honest cry from a brave and faithful woman who was suffering.  I know that she’s had many difficult days since that post.  How do we come to grips with suffering, our own and others’?

 Like Susan and Becky and many of you, I am blessed to have been raised by parents of a courageous faith.  Amazing friends who bear witness to their trust in God surround me. I have been with many in their suffering—family, friends and precious patients in my hospice career.  Faith and suffering are hardly strangers to each other.

 I have just come from my regular visit with my great friend (since we were 18) Mac.  Godfather to my son, Mac was a healthy, vigorous pillar of his church when for reasons we will never know, he suffered a massive stroke three years ago.  Today, as other days, I wiped food from his face, rearranged his paralyzed limbs and combed his hair. We talk about old times, but he is easily tearful and confused.  He is in pain. He will never be able to leave a nursing facility.

 I went from the nursing home to meet up with his wife, my college roommate and still my best friend, Jane, in the home where she and Mac raised my godchild; Jane usually takes a break from the visit schedule that is her life when she knows I am at the facility. While she got ready for us to go out and grab a bite, I pondered a photograph on her wall that I took during one of our many combined family vacations.  We were on the North Carolina Outer Banks, and the picture shows an outdoor shower stall at our rented house near the beach.  You can see two sets of feet that face each other, just visible at the bottom of the stall.  Mac and Jane.  The caption I had inscribed on that framed picture was “Whither thou goest, I will go.” It was funny at the time.  Now, during our dinner, I listened to Jane’s struggles as I do most every day -- how those words from the Book of Ruth are now lived out in her life.

 I have no answer for why people suffer. I cared for my parents through excruciating suffering. (I remember wanting to bite the head off a chaplain intern who preached in the hospital chapel, where my dad was dying of brain cancer, that “if you aren’t getting better, your faith is lacking.”)  I saw two of my children through mental illness—one of them suicidal and hospitalized off and on for years—as a result of childhood sex abuse.  I have held, and listened to, the prayers of my brothers and sisters in faith as part of my church’s prayer ministry.  I am about to check in on another great friend who last week heard the diagnosis of malignant melanoma.  It’s a mystery, all this pain. But here’s what I believe.

 Suffering is part of our human condition, be it physical, emotional or spiritual.  I don’t know why some get more or less, better or worse.  But I know that God does not will it, and I believe God cries for us.  Sometimes, in prayer, I think I can almost hear God crying.

 Many people share their “wisdom” on suffering: I read that “suffering is God’s megaphone to a deaf world.” What an awful thing to say.  A god who slams us, his children, with pain and suffering to get our attention is not the God of love I know and worship. We are not guaranteed earthly safety, clarity, or no pain.  We are promised, with a love that outlasts everything, that we are never alone. (You and I are part of that promise when we choose to be present for others.)

 I believe in an incarnate, fully human Jesus that was far more than a lovely painting.  He was oppressed and afflicted, “a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief.”  Like you and Susan and Mac and me. There is no difficult place we can be where Jesus has not been.

 I do believe in miracles and have seen them.  I don’t know why some people get them and some people don’t.  If I really understood, then they wouldn’t be miracles.  But I know that miracles come in all sizes and shapes, and sometimes we don’t recognize them.

 We do not suffer to learn a lesson, but we can sometimes learn something new because of it.  Viktor Frankl was a concentration camp survivor who struggled to make sense of what happened to his family, became a noted psychologist and author. “Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning,” observed Frankl. And that meaning is not why it happened, it is what we might do with it.  My daughter found meaning from her years of profound illness by becoming an amazing ICU nurse-specialist, intimately present for the most frightened and most ill.  I found meaning in my losses by dedicating my work to improving care of the very sick.  Susan has found meaning in continuing her counseling to ease the pain of others, even as she experiences her own pain.  And she endures to be a Mom.

It’s all a mystery that I hold up to God every day. And even though I can’t be clear on the answer, I know I am heard, and I know the answer is there but out of my sight. I choose to take comfort in the belief that all will be well through God’s love.

I claim that all will be well with Susan.

Jo

Well Wishes From A Dear Friend

Dear Susan,
You are on my heart, love you. Ride out your storm, you been in this storm, it seems like forever and your night of confusion has been oh so long .you ship has lost anchor, and the storms have you drifting, on this morning come ride out the storm, God's right there with you, though may not feel him, but you are not alone hold on to Jesus .

AR

My Christmas Wish

 Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
  and your healing shall spring up speedily;
 your righteousness shall go before you;
  the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
(Isaiah 58:8 ESV)

Father,

I am praying tonight and asking that you send me a Christmas miracle.  I pray that life would return swiftly to my body.  I long to play with my son.  I want to have energy to serve You, to mother my child, to be a wife to husband, to work and play and live fully.

You have made many promises to me, both personally and in your Word and I claim them tonight.  You said in Matthew 7:7 that if I ask and it will be given to me; if I seek I will find; and if I knock you will open the door for me.  So Father, I am asking you for a health better than I knew before cancer, I am seeking your will over my life and strength because I am so frustrated, and I am banging on this door with all my might that You would hear me and open.

Romans 8:11 promises life to my mortal body because Your Spirit dwells within me.  You have answered my urgent cry regarding my fatigue in Isaiah 40 when you said, that they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

I have tried to be a good student through this experience and on this part of my journey.  I have worked hard to keep my head up and a positive attitude securely in place.  I confess that I am getting tired and that I feel sad because this is not the life that I want to live.  It is not how I wanted to treat my child, when I finally had one, and it is not a life that I sincerely believe does me justice.  I have too much to give to lay in bed too weak to move around and be useful.  I pray for your mercy and ask that you heal me quickly because I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take.

I ask for forgiveness for where I have fallen short and I am working to practice forgiveness and patience in my life.  I admit, I don't think I am very good at this yet but it is a work in progress.  I hope for continued guidance and direction of where I need to improve and to respond faithfully where I am needed. 

I pray all of this Father in Jesus' name, who died for me that I might live abundantly,

Susan

A Full Serving of Christmas Joy

My sister is here from Maine and we are trying to get all of our holiday celebrating in before she leaves.  Sadly, it is only a week past chemotherapy so I am dragging a bit.  My son is 2 years and 8 months and is in quite awe of all things Christmas and shiny.  Today while he was napping and as I looked on, Mom, Dad and Tracey drug out all the boxes of Christmas decorations and put up the tree.

When I was a single woman I bought glass hummingbirds and glass three tiered bells for my Christmas decorations.  These are not toddler friendly and he has a real tendency to be rough or wing things across the room. This year Dad had this brilliant idea to decorate the tree with my little wee bears which really brought me back.  www.weebearvillage.com   They are so cute and so funny.  Check out the website.  I have almost all of them. 

I discovered them in a coffee shop, years ago, and found that they were way too irresistible to pass up.  I indulged myself, thinking how much delight they would bring the child I hoped to have one day, but they brought me a lot of joy also.  When I met Huy and downsized my house they all went into a box and I always felt sort of sad that I didn't display them somehow or have a use for them.  I invested quite a bit of money in them and wondered if I had been foolish.  Today all those doubts were brought to rest and I was given a full serving of joy as all those past hopes and wishes culminated into a magical moment when his eyes saw the tree and all the animals.  He squealed and giggled and looked them all over.  There is a crocodile, an octopus, a colorful peacock and on and on.  They are all teddy bears wearing a complete and removable costume.

He seemed to know that we had done this for him.  I don't believe that he had ever seen the toys before as they had been packed up.  I think he thought it was the finest tree he had ever seen.  When he saw the pig, he said, "PIG!" and made a pig sound.  He kissed the duck costumed bear and said duck.  He admired the lights and named the colors.  This is going to be a fun Christmas for sure.  He found my nesting Santa doll and Grampy helped him take it apart.  He lined them all up on the table and then Grammy helped him put them all back together.  He then scooped up the Santa and put him back on the table in his original resting spot.

I have a full heart this evening.  The memory of this day will be with me always.  I want to thank my generous family for all the heavy lifting today that I could not do.  I was able to cut and ribbon the ornaments for the tree.  I had a nice birds eye view when the magic Christmas moment occurred.  It is nice to see the purchases I have made over the years and the special gifts I have safe guarded thrill my child.  I think this will be one of my happiest Christmas' yet.  It seems so many of my dreams have come true.  I pray that God will give me some energy and stamina so that I may participate as much as my heart yearns.

Happy Holidays My Dear Friends,

Susan

Christmas Time!

If you have not have the pleasure of visiting a retail establishment, and having then been assaulted by Christmas music, then you should be informed that the Christmas time of year has returned.  I know that things are different nowadays from when I was a kid.  While I am picking up my Halloween candy, I could also select my Christmas candy canes and get a jump start on the Christmas holiday shopping.  I am sure you can hear the edge in my voice, I confess, it drives me crazy.  I would like an official law passed that no Christmas item can hit the shelves until December first out of respect for Thanksgiving. Ah but I digress, this is in fact a positive blog post.  You have to keep that negativity under control or it slips out when you least expect it.

I am curious to know what item, food, or decoration just announces Christmas in your life?  It may be hard for you to pick just one thing because it is hard for me.  My grandmother always kept Christmas cactus' and they were huge and glorious.  I have one in my office that is hot pink and it has 30 or so blooms on it.  It is beautiful.  It reminds me of Grammie Audet's house.  My other grandmother always displayed a ceramic Christmas tree with little colorful lights on it and this revved up the Christmas spirit for me.  I have always wanted to have one of those for my office but have yet to obtain one.

The one thing for me though, is the Christmas Angel Tree Topper that my parents purchased when I was a kid to decorate their tree.  It was magical for me as a child, and it stirs those feelings in me now when I see it.  It is next to me in the chair in this photo.  I have given her a makeover.  After twenty years her gold wire wings and dress had seen better days.  I am forty now and terrified to leave the Christmas tree on if she lit up because I don't trust her wiring.  Does it seem silly to you that I am considering having her re-wired? 

As you get older, it may begin to seem like a lot of work to unpack all the Christmas decorations and put them all up, only to later take them all down and put them away.  It was beginning to feel that way for me.  Then the other day, I overheard my husband and son putting up or little 3 foot Christmas tree and lights.  My son was extremely impressed and excited.  He is fascinated by the lights and the ornaments.  I then insisted we find our LL Bean embroidered stockings and hang those.  They say Mom, Dad and Tan.  He is 2 1/2 and he looked them over, read the names (with help), and then hooked them up with Huy.  He reached his arm down into the bottom of a couple of them to see if there was anything in them but found nothing.  He loves it and he doesn't even realize what is coming his way.

I hope that while I am helping him understand the true meaning of Christmas that he will also find some special foods and items that stir those holiday feelings for him.  We started last year making the sugar cookies painted with colored icing.  He liked it.  He did paint his tongue quit a bit, though.  When Auntie Tracey comes next week we will put up the tree and hang some ornaments.  I am really looking forward to this year with my little boy.  It reminds me of how important special memories are which is why I look forward to making some.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Everyone!! 

Susan

Life Lesson #too high to count

My heart is grieved.  My soul is weary.  I need some recharging, I guess.  As I sit in my chair, eager to be pressed into service, the stories I hear are hard to stomach.  I have been wondering when the world went crazy and how bad I want to get off this ride.

Luckily, for me, I can only stand so much of this before I begin searching for an exit stragedy.  I just do not like feeling bad and I begin working on shift.  I have to shift my thoughts.  I have to shift my focus.  I need to lift my eyes.  I need to do it quick before I get infected.  You see these sorts of thoughts and feeling are contagious and this is not what I want to catch.  It could lead to me feeling sorry for myself and I refuse to do that, allow that, or live in that space.

I am given this verse tonight and want to share it with you

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Philippians 4:8



Susan

The Innocence of Children

My beautiful son is 32 months old and fast approaching three years old.  He has a great sense of humor and is language skills improve by the day.  I still cannot keep my eyes off his face.  I never tire of looking at him. 

My heart is a bit heavy the last few days.  My work brings me face to face with the pain and suffering that is so prevalent in this world we live in.  We live in a world where people hurt each other, and whether or not the they do it intentionally or carelessly, the consequences are real.  It is hard to avoid hearing about it and sadly the triumphs in this life are not broadcast as far or as often.

I write this because we are in the Christmas season.  This is a time of celebrating the birth of the child that came to save the world.  Yes. it has become very commercialized, but through the eyes of a child it is a beautiful, magical time.  My son is awestruck by the lights and the decorations.  He looks at the houses and all their adornments with admiration.  They glow so pretty in the dark.

I intend to take this heavy heart of mine and work on making this year a time of celebration for my son.  I commit to protecting his innocence and I commit to protecting him.  I will guard myself when I am angry or tired or feeling sick and respond to him lovingly. I will forgive myself and re-commit when I fall short because I am a human parent.

 I will use appropriate discipline that is neither harsh nor abusive because I love him and it is my job to guide him but not harm him.  I will remember that I have a voice and an influence in this world.  I will continue to shine my light into the world in the hope and prayer that I can make a difference in other children's lives as well.  They will grow to be the citizens and neighbors of my son.

I hope and pray that this will be a reminder to you, this Christmas season, to be kind and generous.  I hope you will also shine your light into a dark world and offer a hand to lift someone up. 

Susan

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.  Matthew 5:16

Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving day has rolled around and due to the prompting, I have been thinking of what I am grateful for.  This holiday, this month. for me is all about my grandmother Lucille Violette Audet.  I do not know who said it first, but someone said that a woman's true power in the home, is the power to set the tone.  I do not know what my grandmother would say about this but she set a tone in my life that has created a safe, warm childhood nest feeling which influences my every thought about how holidays in general, and Thanksgiving Day in particular, should be celebrated.  Holiday decoration, excellent food as with as many of your family as you can fit in your home, to be exact.

My Grandmother is a fine woman and the finest example, in my opinion, of what a real grandmother is.  To my knowledge she has no tattoos, no substance abuse issues, and has never been arrested.  She is a woman who commands respect.  There is an order to how things are done in her home, in her cooking, and on holidays and she is a woman who conducts herself with dignity and respect.  She loves us in her quiet way and demonstrates that love with her cooking, her presence, and her legacy.

Mom and I were talking today about families and Thanksgiving and it seems that the cornerstone for a lot of people is the stuffing or dressing for the turkey.  My grandmother's pork stuffing is the only stuffing for me because anything else is just not a family celebration.  So many of my holiday celebrations and my grandmother's cooking are completely intertwined but the tone she set branches out much deeper and wide than food. (Though Christmas is coming and I remember fondly her holiday tin of fudge and other treats.)

For example, my grandmother was not content to watch us play and sit on the sidelines.  My grandmother would suit up and swim with us.  Sometimes, she would sun herself while we splashed around but she was right in the mix.  Every year she would throw a New Year's skating party at camp and she would ice skate with us.  Then she would make enough hot cocoa with marshmellows for an army.  My grandfather is amazing too but I dont think about him in November...that is reserved for her.

I am sad on the days when I don't get to emulate and live out this rich legacy due to fatigue or pain. I am working hard to overcome cancer so that I may live the life I have dreamt of.  Somedays, this fully encompasses my energy and I have no energy left. What I have, though, even on those days is a heart filled with hope that God will heal me.  My earnest prayer is that I can be the sort of woman that my grandmother is and my parents are.  I believe I can accomplish this, especially as I am lifted by all the prayer and generosity that is constantly added into my life by those of you who love me.  I love you back.

Susan

Push, Pull and Drag

I want to apologize for my neglect of you and this blog as of late.  I am acclimating to a new chemotherapy and each round brings a challenge by way of side effects on my body.  I am now on Iexempra and it really hits the immune system hard so I am given Neulasta (an injection) the next day to boost my blood counts.  It really throws me a for a loop.

This round I had only half an injection of the Neulasta and I am functioning again after a week.  Praise the Lord!!  I think it was a week and a half to two weeks last time.  I had very little pain thanks to the Claritin which seems to aid in the histamine production of the immune system resulting from Neulasta injections.  Weird but if it works....at this stage in the game...I am for it.

Today I was back at work and rather enjoyed the movement and not being knocked off my feet.  Hooray for work!  Hooray for feeling better.  This new chemotherapy is working and my tumor markers have decreased from 903 to 682. 

More interesting posts to come!

Susan

The Hard Part...

Looking back at this journey, I would have to say that the hard part is staying upbeat and not giving in to feeling discouraged.  I tend to struggle with this when I have a series of days when I feel sick and am in pain.  It has been over two years now and I am still maintaining a remarkable good level of wellness but on the days following chemotherapy and the injection of Neulasta...it is hard to remember that.

If anyone has any tips on how they maintain a positive outlook when things are not going well then I hope you post it because I could use it.  I find, for myself, that I lean on my support system during these times, I keep my eyes fixed on where I am going, and I try to keep moving forward and reminding myself that "this too shall pass." 

When I do feel discouraged, I acknowledge this as reasonable and a normal part of the ebb and flow of life.  It is easier for me to move past it when I validate why I feel this way rather than beat myself up or consider it a lack of faith.  I cry a little.  I sulk a little.  I distract myself and then I try to get back on target.

Your thoughts and suggestions welcome.

Susan

Quotes on Cancer

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell. ~Lance Armstrong

We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival. ~Winston Churchill

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson

The power of love to change bodies is legendary, built into folklore, common sense, and everyday experience. Love moves the flesh, it pushes matter around.... Throughout history, "tender loving care" has uniformly been recognized as a valuable element in healing. ~Larry Dossey

Family

I am privileged to work in a profession where I meet a lot of people.  Over the years my taste has changed and I find that I like the colorful characters the best.  Speaking of color, my Dad and I like to watch nature programs and he is sure to say with each viewing, "God has a lot of fun with color, doesn't He?"  I realize that my father may be referring to the marvelous variety among the hundreds of species of hummingbirds in that program but, as my thoughts linger on the interesting conversations I have had this week, my agreement is weighted with more depth and reflection.

We grew up with the idea that the United States was a melting pot and later in my Master's program the idea was suggested that, in fact, we are like a tossed salad.  A really great salad contains lots of variety in the ingredients, and if you look into the salad bowl you can easily identify what is what, as they remain sliced or chopped, but recognizable as their whole self.  We have not immigrated here and given up our identities.  Instead, we joined communities, gained employment and contribute in our own unique ways.  We are who we are but we form part of the whole.

Family is like that.  We grow up each forming a part of the salad and each adding to it in our own way.  There are many characters in a family and that can lead to conflict and division.  This is not always pleasant, but having a bowl of iceberg lettuce only seems hardly a salad.  It is dull.  It is lonely.  It is not very fun to eat.

Family is the very foundation of our lives.  It serves as our spring board each day to launch our lives.  It is the very air that we breath and the wind that we propel ourselves forward with.  Sadly, this can easily be taken for granted in large and extended families when each member does not give thought to the role they play in the success or the demise of the other family members.  Sharp words of criticism, selfish acts, negativity or a spirit on non-cooperation can begin to spoil the salad.  Generosity, patience, random acts of kindness aimed at family members, commitment to family goals, and intentional attempts to contribute positively to the family can do wonders.

It is not any more difficult to contribute to the good of the family than it is to contaminate it.  The more we examine our role in our salad, and take responsibility for the responses by its members, regarding our word and deeds, the more we can seek to make positive changes in the functioning.  It takes a degree of awareness and a great deal of commitment toward the good of the whole.  When things are at it's best our salad is full and crisp.  Each member has chosen to come and make their presence known and contribute by adding a measure of them self to it.  It becomes full and colorful and nutritious to those who are able to indulge in the eating of it.

There are those who would not make time for salad making.  There is so much to do at home.  Stress can get the better of these members and they will be absent from the salad.  It will be too far to travel.  Schedules will conflict.  It may time a long time to plan a get together and opportunities to get every one there may be quite few and far between.  Sadly, this tragedy compromises the ability to jump in and function as a great and bountiful salad.

We are entering into the season of family.  In writing this blog, I am not suggesting that we all make salads, but rather we come together in creative ways to connect and build family ties.  Have we harmed each other?  Have we been rude and uncaring?  Was I selfish and forgetful?  I pray that God will give me the courage to seek forgiveness and ensure that I contribute and uplift those in my family.  I pray that this year we grow stronger and closer.  I pray we narrow the spaces between us so that we may stand together when the tribulations of life come.

Don't forget the croutons as you examine yourself and take your inventory.

Susan

A Little Glimpse of Heaven

I keep getting this little glimpse of heaven in such a strange way.  Our little grandson Tan has grown up with some elegant dietary expectations thanks to his "gramPY".    At our house the refrigerator is ALWAYS stocked with a fresh selection of strawberries and more importantly, raspberries, just for you-know-who.  When he comes each evening Paul prepares a little dish with some of this fruit for Tan.  Tan has this cute way of fingering the berry up to his mouth and then popping it in with his index finger, one after the other.  (he also dragged me over to the refrigerator the other day and said "juice - me".  He's getting his language skills down pretty well)   Anyway, back to the point.  I sometimes want to say to Tan, "do you have any idea what raspberries cost???" but of course he doesn't.   From his perspective, they just appear and are there for him to enjoy in whatever quantity he needs or wants.  The concept of cost, money, labor and reward are irrelevant and unheard of.  The only currency he understands is the little kiss I request and am given.

This is my reminder and picture of heaven.  I look forward to the time when my needs are met not on what I can earn but on what I already inherited.  When all is provided with no cost.  A mansion, a feast, everything beyond what I can comprehend or imagine.  Not for a day or a week or a year but for eternity.  Not perishable but imperishable.   Just like the Children of Israel who took possession of a land flowing with milk and honey and great and splendid cities which they did not build, and houses full of all good things which they did not fill, and hewn cisterns which they did not dig, and vineyards and olive trees which they did not plant, I will have an eternal refrigerator stocked and supplied for me by the One who already meets all of my needs.  What's not to like about that?  

Oh, help me Father to focus on the eternal and not on today, on your purpose and not my own, and to trust you when I am afraid. 

Re-Train Your Eyes

Tonight I am reminded of the story of David and Goliath.  I was thinking about truth and how easily our eyes and our thoughts can be deceived.  Once that occurs, it is very easy to have your faith shaken and to begin to forget the very promises that God has given to you.  I feel lighter hearted this evening, having been reminded about truth, and having been reminded my strength and my faith has been restored.

Here is an account of that famous story to refresh your memory.

The Philistine army had gathered for war against Israel. The two armies faced each other, camped for battle on opposite sides of a steep valley. A Philistine giant measuring over nine feet tall and wearing full armor came out each day for forty days, mocking and challenging the Israelites to fight. His name was Goliath. Saul, the King of Israel, and the whole army were terrified of Goliath.

One day David, the youngest son of Jesse, was sent to the battle lines by his father to bring back news of his brothers. David was probably just a young teenager at the time. While there, David heard Goliath shouting his daily defiance and he saw the great fear stirred within the men of Israel. David responded, "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of God?"

So David volunteered to fight Goliath. It took some persuasion, but King Saul finally agreed to let David fight against the giant. Dressed in his simple tunic, carrying his shepherd's staff, slingshot and a pouch full of stones, David approached Goliath. The giant cursed at him, hurling threats and insults.

David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied ... today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air ... and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel ... it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

As Goliath moved in for the kill, David reached into his bag and slung one of his stones at Goliath's head. Finding a hole in the armor, the stone sank into the giant's forehead and he fell face down on the ground. David then took Goliath's sword, killed him and then cut off his head. When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran. So the Israelites pursued, chasing and killing them and plundering their camp.  1 Samuel 17

Anyone looking down on that fateful encounter would not have believed that David could win.  Anyone trusting their eyes, that is, and not their hearts.   I am reminded that I need to see with my heart because that is where I hold the promises that God has made to me in his scriptures and to me in person.  I will re-train my eyes, as they read the reports, to see myself through the eyes of faith and not to see things at face value.

Thanks!!!  I needed that reminder.

Susan

Thanking God For Small Miracles x 24 months

And praying for larger ones.

Today Susan and I had a pretty good day.  She completed a 6 course radiation treatment to her left hip and had a inconsequential visit with a oral surgeon who dismissed our concerns of mandibular necrosis.  We haven't quite decided if we believe him or not as she still has symptoms including chin and lip numbness and her teeth still feel strange.  We are still wondering if this is the 'duck' disease or not.  "if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it must be a.... duck".   In any event, the doctor didn't see anything fowl going on.   Ok, I know that is a major pun, I just can't help it.  So we are going to wait and see. 

We went to Olive Garden for a mini celebration dinner and then picked up the 2 year old and brought him back to "amPEE's" for a nap.   Tan proceeded to eat a half carton of raspberries and climb repeatedly onto the kitchen countertop that he thinks is his perch.  Why is it he understands "no" only in a uni-directional way?   From him to us and not the other way around.    Speaking of Tan, yesterday morning he climbed into our bed, elevated the head of it and settled in to watch his favorite Little Einstein video on the television.  When I wandered in to check on him, he pointed his finger towards the door and instructed 'go'.  I was being kicked out of my own bedroom. 

This weekend marks the exact two year anniversary of our sudden and terrifying trip to Colorado Springs when Susan was admitted to the hospital for the then undiagnosed problem that turned our lives upside down.  On that Friday night after work, we hurriedly threw some clothes into an overnight bag and caught an early flight out of Tampa the next morning.  We didn't know it would be this way then, but Paul has not slept a night in our Florida home since that fateful night that we came for a weekend and stayed for a lifetime. 

Two years later Susan is still going, some days stronger than others, but still going.  We have loved, laughed, traveled, and lived.  We are still dreaming, hoping, and praying.  God is still in charge, still on His throne, and still in the miracle business.  

Here's to the next 24, and the next, and the next. 

cystoscopy

Today I had the pleasure of visiting the Urologist to have a cystoscopy.  If you are not familiar with this procedure it is defined as an endoscopy of the urinary bladder via the urethra. It is carried out with a cystoscope.  Basically a small camera is inserted into your urethra and pushed up into the bladder.  The entire procedure is quite painless, due to the numbing gel, and takes only a couple of minutes.

For the last couple of months I have been having one Urinary Tract Infection after another.  I have had some pretty constant bladder pain for about two months.  I have learned from the Urologist that chemotherapy can irritate the bladder and cause this condition.  I had a Pelvis CAT scan to rule out kidney stones or other internal problems and the cystoscope did not reveal any damage.

Therefore, the Urologist has concluded that it is nothing more than irritation and infection resulting from all the chemotherapy.  He has put me on a three day anti-biotic regimen followed by an additional six months of a lighter anti-biotic to ensure that no bacteria is able to take hold and develop further infection.

If  you are undergoing chemotherapy please keep in mind that it can take a toll on your body in many, many ways.  I am feeling a bit disappointed that my complaints of bladder pain and concerns about all of the urinary tract infections were not handled more pro-actively.  I wish that I had known that this bladder irritation could be a result of chemotherapy.  I think that I would have been more aggressive in my advocating for myself.  I think I would have saved myself some pain and suffering.

Susan

The Owl Video

Initial reaction embarrassment followed by flinging the poor owls across the room.  What can I say?  He is 2 1/2.  He did look them over later and the next day hugged them to his chest.

Sigh.

Susan

MRI of the Lumbar Spine from 9-30-11

FINDINGS:  This exam was compared to the MRI dated October 12, 09.

As shown previously, there is "bow-tie" loss of height involving the L3 vertebral body without associated bone marrow edema ( concavity of the superior and interior endplates) consistent with a chronic compression fracture.  The shape of the fracture and associated diffuse heterogeneous mottled decreased T1 and T2 bone marrow signal with associated heterogeneous post-contrast enhancement.of the bone marrow is consistent with fracture secondary to myeloproliferative disease such as multiple myeloma or metastatic adenocarcinoma from breast or lung.  Clinical correlation is highly recommended to rule out a neoplastic process.  The compression fracture and bone marrow signal characteristics are not typical of osteopenia versus osteoporosis.  In particular, there is not consistent with an insufficiency fracture.  There is no displaced fracture fragment.  The neural canal is widely patent.  There has been slight worsening of the loss of height, with the central (narrowest) portion of the vertebral body measuring 1.0 cm on the sagittal cuts, compared to 1.4 cm on the previous study.

There is slight (approximately 30%) loss of height of the L5 vertebral body without increased T2 signal, also consistent with a mild compression fracture, which is not present on the previous exam.  There is no displaced fracture fragment.

The remainder of the vertebral body heights and alignment are within normal limits.  The disk space heights are normal.  The neural canal and neural foramina are widely patent, there is no evidence of nerve root impingement or cauda equina, conus medullaris, or cord impression.

Developmentally, the spinal canal volume is normal.  The cauda equina, conus mdeullaris, and distal spinal cord show no abnormal mass, signal, or post-contrast enhancement.  In particular, there is no evidence of intrathecal metastatic disease.

The facet joints are normal.  There is no evidence of spondylolysis or spondylolisthesis.

IMPRESSION:  Bone marrow signal and shape of the loss of height/compression fracture of the L3 vertebral body are highly consistent with primary versus metastatic bone marrow disease such as multiple myeloma or metastatic adenocarcinoma.  Clinical correlation is advised.  Loss of height on the L3 vertebral body is slightly worse compared to the exam dated October 12, 2009, however, there is no associated bone marrow edema, suggesting a chronic healed compression fracture.  Considering the signal characteristics, shape of the compression fracture, and bone marrow signal finding, this is not typical of an insufficiency compression fracture fragment.  The neural canal and neural foramina are widely significant retropulsed or unstable fracture fragment.  The neural canal and neural foramina are widely patent.  The post-contrast enhancement of the bone marrow suggests a persistent active process.

Slight loss of height (approximately 30%) of the L5 vertebral body without increased T2 signal, also consistent with a mild compression fracture, which is not present on the previous exam.  There is no displaced fracture fragment.

The remainder of the exam is unremarkable. 

MRI of the Pelvis/Left Femur on Sept 30, 2011

FINDINGS:  This exam was compared to the MRI dated Sept 16, 2010

As shown previously, there is diffuse heterogeneous bone marrow signal involving the pelvis and the left femur, including the ischium, ilium, and sacrum, consistent with a metastatic neoplastic process with bone metastasis.  The mottled appearance of the bone, including the head of the left femur, is worse compared to the previous exam, with deformity of the femoral head, consistent with an associated compression fracture.  The bone marrow edema suggests an acute to subacute process.  The post-contrast images show heterogeneous enhancement of the head of the left femur and remainder of the visualized bone marrow consistent with an active process.

There is no other fracture.  There is no joint effusion.  There is no evidence of periosteal reaction or subcutaneous or deep soft tissue edema.  There is no evidence of muscle strain or tear, tendinopathy, or bursitis.

The visualized portion of the pelvis is unremarkable, without evidence of lymphadenopathy or an abnormal pelvic mass.  There is no evidence of inguinal hernia.  There is no free fluid.

IMPRESSION:  Diffuse metastatic bone marrow disease with a mild compression fracture of the head of the femur, at the weight-bearing surface, with adjacent sclerotic changes.  The abnormality is not present on the exam dated September 16, 2010.

Gifts are fun to give.

My son is of the age where he loves to recognize familiar objects and shout them out.  He is learning language and gets a big charge out of things.  When he sees an owl he goes nuts.  He shouts out a long drawn out, Owwwlllll and then says hoot, hoot, hoot. 

It does not matter if it is a cartoon owl or a real owl.  When we watch Toy Story he hears an owl, never sees it and shouts out Owl! 

I saw some knitted owls on facebook and found someone who could make him a set.  My cousin referred me to a friend and she did such a nice job.  She made him a Daddy, Mommy (with blue eyes like me) and a baby owl.  It feels like the night before Christmas for me, as I am eager to give him this gift.  I plan to take a video when he opens them.

My son brings me a lot of enjoyment.  He has a great sense of humor and brightens my day every day.  I feel privileged to be able to do special things for him when I am able. 

Susan