Focus....on cancer....or.....Cancun?

Cancer is a scary word.  It strikes fear in the heart of the person who has just heard that diagnosis and then reverberates through the family.  It made me sad especially when I had to curtail some of my activities.  I wanted to be a successful and independent child for my parents.  I wanted my life filled with joy.  I wanted to open happy mail and not invoices for co pays and procedure costs.

Surviving Cancer is a full time job.  Your well meaning friends are concerned about what you eat and how often you exercise and how much medication the doctor prescribes.  My clients worry about getting me sick and are hesitant to come and see me if they have the sniffles. 

There are decisions that have to be made.  Organic or affordable.  Holistic or Traditional.  Radiation or Chemotherapy.  There is paperwork to read through so that you may be educated about your symptoms.  There are appointments to be made and kept.  With that comes with questions you must remember to ask.

In addition to all of this there is a son to raise.  A husband to love and partner with.  I have a family that need to spend time with me.  They are scared and feeling helpless and I need to reassure them that I feel supported by them.  Many of my family members live far away and cannot be here to cook for me or get a blanket for me when I am cold. My husband and I share a household that needs to be managed.  I have a business to run so that my student loans and bills can be paid.  I have to participate in my life all the while I am trying to save it.                      

I have been given an incredible gift.  The opportunity to trade the text I have written here for the photos that I have included.  I hope while trying to decipher the text you have been distracted by the pictures.  I am going to Cancun very soon.  I will leave this chaotic life for a week and have a chance to breath and reflect. 

I am going to leave cancer in Colorado and visit a tropical paradise because there were so many generous people who donated money to help get me there. I cannot track you down and be as generous to you as you have to me.  So many of you I do not know.  I will have to pay it forward.  I have a chance to recharge my batteries and then I can figure out ways to pass it on.  Feel free to send me ideas.

Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart I want you to know that this generous gift of yours comes at a time when I really needed a chance to get away and reconnect with the fighter inside.  I am tired and I need to refresh myself.  Thank you for allowing me to have this time with Roxanne.  Thank you for knowing that sometimes the best medicine is a chance to leave your circumstance and gain some perspective.  I will be better for this trip, so again I humbly thank you for what you have given.  I will be smiling and relaxing and with Roxanne's company I know that I will be laughing.

Susan

Becky's Bucket List

 OK, here is a start.  The white items are done although if given a chance, I would opt for re-do's.   They were all fun.  So, I only have 59 more things to come up with!!!!!!!!!!!!

1	Go to the Grand Canyon	X
2	Visit New York City	X
3	Visit London and vicinity	X
4	Live in the UK for a year and explore every bit of it
5	Cruise the Greek Isles	X
6	Athens	X
7	Wander through the Acropolis in Athens	X
8	Go to Patmos	X
9	Go to Ephesus and Corinth	X
10	Live in sunny Florida	X
11	Lose weight	X
12	Lose weight again
13	Visit Las Vegas	X
14	Learn to roller blade	X
15	Learn to play golf	X
16	Learn to play golf better
17	Take a cruise	X
18	Spend more quality time with the people I love
	Other places I want to see (not in any order)
19	Israel
20	Egypt
21	Quebec City (again)
22	France
23	Europe in general.  rivers, cities, county sides, museums, churches, food, culture, history, cafes, chocolate
24	Jordan (Petra)
25	Washington DC
26	Buy an RV and travel the USA for a year (not going to happen)
27	Yellowstone (got reservations for July but we’ll see….)
28	Thinking about a hobby, maybe stained glass.  I’m not a knitter!
29	Meet Jo and Rich Turner
30	Become a better student of the Bible and disciple of our Savior
31	Teach Tan to swim
32	Go back to Vancouver and eat Dim Sum again
33	Reinstitute “Girls’ Weekends” every year somewhere new with my peeps
34	Hold a Rich grandchild in my arms (as in Tracey and Joe Rich)
35	Live long enough to experience the Rapture of the Church
36	Attend Scott’s wedding (no pressure here)
37	Grow to be a kinder, more loving and forgiving, less critical and demanding  person
38	NEVER GROW OLD.  I want to get old but not grow old
39	I want to have the kind of influence in my family that my Aunt Rose did in ours.   We knew she could walk on water, we just never saw her try
40	Learn to play a musical instrument.  I love the harp but maybe a mandolin is more appropriate to a small home.  Problem is, no talent
41	Buy a very sexy RED or DARK GREEN convertible with just two seats for Paul and I to ride around town in

Putting Your Bucket List Together

If you don't have a bucket list I would highly recommend that you begin creating one.  A bucket list is generally defined as a list of one hundred things that you would really like to do before you die ( or "kick the bucket" hence the name).  It includes places you would like to visit, things you would like to do and goals you plan to accomplish.

I like to think of it as a road map for your life.  It is hard to decide on a route when you have no destination in mind.  When I attended Pathways Life Management seminar in Dallas, Texas we put a Life Plan together.  It was made up of Personal, Professional and Spiritual Goals and action steps to take in each category.  The idea was that breaking big goals down into little action steps would make it easier to make forward progress and then ensure your success. We were encouraged to review this plan each week and modify or add goals as we attained success.

My bucket lists contains big goals but also things that I would really enjoy doing.  Like scuba diving, for instance, it is something I have always wanted to learn and that would be a cool experience.  Now, I confess, that I too have never actually formed an official list.  My brother gave me a book that is a collection of lists that you fill out and I have jotted down many of the things I have wanted to do.  The book is called "More List Your Self" by Ilene Segalove and Paul Bob Velick.

I think a nice bucket list should include big things, fun things, travel things, and things that will stretch your comfort zone just a tad.  I think your list should be representative of you and your tastes and not a carbon copy of someone else's list.  Singing karaoke would stretch my comfort zone, to be sure, but I would not reap enjoyment out of the experience nor would bungee jumping.  Heck, I don't even enjoy roller coasters.

As I began polling people I know for asking about their bucket lists it seems that no one has actually written down their list and could only quote five or six items that they were clear on.  I would like to encourage everyone to take a few minutes and begin compiling 100 written down items.  I personally was hoping that this book by brother gave me would include mine but sadly there was no "bucket list" among the lists as they ask much more specific questions meant to assist you in personal discovery.

So it seems that I will be writing my list, actually writing my list, as I have requested, inspired and perhaps even guilted many of you to do the same.  How else can we set about the task of checking off 100 items or squeezing all the juice out of life if we are not clear on what we want to accomplish?  To those of you who have promised to send me their list I truly hope you do as I begin the task of etching out my list.  I am letting you know now that I will probably cheat off your paper.  Just kidding.

Number 1.  XXXX
Number 2.  XXXX XXXXXX

Cheers!

Susan

Life Can Get Rough

"Its not whether you get knocked down, its whether you get back up"-Vince Lombardi

I am enjoying a nice break and every day that passes since my last chemotherapy treatment I feel better and stronger.  I still have an occasional bout of feeling run down but since my energy level is coming back even those feelings are an improvement over the chemo weeks.

Whether you find yourself struggling with cancer, have a family member who has cancer or is someone who is simply getting knocked around by life, please remember to get up.  At times in our lives we will get knocked down repeatedly but we need to keep getting up.  Plaster a smile on your face, muster a tough New York accent and look life squarely in the face and say, "oh yeah...Is that all you got"?

These experiences are here to teach us some character.  For what?  You may ask.  I dunno, for more of the getting knocked around experiences, I theorize.  At any rate, you can be sure that the going will get rough because it always does.  It gives us some contrast and makes the wonderful moments that much sweeter.  I do not know if you are in a sweet season or a getting knocked around season but I can assure you it is a season and it will pass.  Enjoy the first, try to prolong it if you can and if you are in the latter then set your jaw, put up your dukes and give life a run for its money. 

I find that right now I am in a sweet season.  I can clean and cook and take care of my son.  I am grateful for this season because a short time ago I could not do any of those.  In fact, getting up and walking to the bathroom was a chore.  Imagine being full of praise that I can clean out the clothes in my closet?  It feels good.  I am able to give of myself back to my family and to my friends.  I have a couple of friends in a tough season and I can help shine some sunlight in on them.  Look behind you friend the calvary has arrived.  I am here and I will help you fight this battle.  I need you to be strong because you may be my calvary again soon. 

Susan

Day O Nothing

I had an old familiar feeling today.  A feeling I have not had since the days when I worked ridiculous hours.  I used to work 50 to 60 hours a week and usually worked six days.  When Saturday afternoon would hit and it was quitting time I would smile and remark that it was "Day O Nothing" time. 

Actually, it was a day and a half, but it sounds better the other way.  It was my time to do as I pleased, which was usually nothing, and that was just fine with me.  Nowadays, I have my son and my husband to do things with, and these days that suits me just fine.  My work weeks are much shorter now, which feels nice, because I have the best of both worlds.  Soul satisfying work and plenty of time with my son.

I guess it just feels extra nice when you have a stretch of time that is just yours and you can do with it what you please.  I have been feeling better lately, which is no doubt what brought about this Day O Nothing memory and the smile on my face today.  It is a little phrase which reminds me to have a mini celebration each week.  I am glad that I remembered it. Since my cancer diagnosis I have appreciated any opportunity to celebrate good things in my life.  I hope that as you read this post you are enjoying a "Nothing" time of your own.  Cheers!

Susan

If you needed me.

If you needed a shoulder to cry on would you call me?  If you had a question about my experience that you thought might help you but it regarded a sensitive subject would you find the courage to ask me? Have you convinced yourself that I have too much on my plate and decide instead to let your need go unmet?  Have you made up your mind that I am suffering too much and that you must not impose?

I am sure that there are many of my friends and acquaintances out there that think just this.  They don't trust that I still have the ability to say no if I cannot help.  It might not occur to them that I am feeling so very blessed that I would cherish an opportunity to give back out of what has been measured to me.

I have not died yet.  I am far from it.  I have not been quoted any numbers on my life expectancy.  I expect that I will love to see my son grow to be a man.  I believe that I will be in attendance at his college graduation.  This is a few years away yet.  I have so much life to live before I have to think about that.

I do not know how long my life will be but I intend to make it as full as possible.  I want to hug and hold my friends.  I want to take phone calls late at night.  I want coffee dates, lunch dates and to schedule vacation dates and while I am at it to plan some romantic dates with my husband.  I want to cuddle with my baby and I want to take an active role in teaching him and guiding him. 

I want to feel like a real live alive woman.  I want to fully participate in my life and to interact with those who choose to be part of my life.  Call me.  Stop by unannounced for a visit.  Bring me chocolates and then help me eat them.  There are so many nice things to experience and I want company while I do them.

If you are sitting at home worried about me, afraid to call me and feeling guilty because we haven't see each other in awhile then stop.  Pick up the phone and I will do the rest.  I miss you.  I miss me and my life.  I am getting it back.  It feels good.  There are a lot of you who are AWOL.  ;)  Don't be surprised if you hear from me and I invite you to get together.

Susan

Has This Ever Happened To You?

My father watches my son overnights Sunday through Thursday so that I can try and get as much sleep as I can which is important for someone with cancer.  Tonight as I was returning home from dropping off my son I gave myself quite a scare.  As I was getting out of the car I inadvertantly squeezed my key fob and set off my car alarm.

This is startling enough as it is but my door was open and it occurred as I was getting out so the sound was absolutely deafening.  First, I had the confused frightened jolt and then as I figured out what was happening I clumsily scrambled around with my keys fumbling to turn it off.  Finally, came the moment of wondering how many people were having a good laugh at my expense which brought an smile of chagrin to my face as I walked down the sidewalk to my condo.

At any rate, when my sense of humor returned to me I thought I would share it with the rest of you in the hopes that you may also share a snicker.

Roxanne's Post To Assist Me In Getting Away, Having Fun and Making A Memory

Susan and Roxanne

Many of you asked me (Roxanne Ashey) how you could help or to please let you know if there was anything you could do when my husband died 20 months ago...well now I am coming and asking for your help and letting you know what you can do…but it isn’t for me.

Since about the age of 13, I have had an amazing friend named Susan. She has laughed with me, cried with me, helped me get through some of the worst times in my life ( a divorce, a house fire that occurred while I was a single mom to 2 small children, and the death of the love of my life…and everything in between.

Susan is 39 years old. She met and married her husband at the age of 37, followed less than a year later by the birth of her one and only child at age 38, but 6 months after he was born she was having back issues and was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that had already spread to her spine.

She is a therapist who specializes in PTSD and more specifically in cases of children and women who have experienced sexual abuse. She didn’t start out in this field and worked for years on her masters degree, paying her own way and working several jobs and studying hard to be able to help others. In spite of her illness and going through painstaking treatments she has continued to work, even though at times it has been very physically hard on her, so that she may help others.

She went through 6 months of chemo, and not long after her cancer tumor markers were back up, she just finished the most aggressive form of chemo in her second round of it. Continuing to try to be a wife, a mother to a toddler and help her clients.

She has started a blog of her jouney…please read it so you can see what an amazing woman she is. It can be found at http://ourjourneytogether-susan.blogspot.com/

It is my hope to help Susan take a trip of a lifetime, to celebrate her 40th birthday, coming up the beginning of April. I have provided the place for her to stay in Cancun (part of my timeshare and doesn't include food or drink) and a rental car but am hoping to raise whatever funds possible to take care of the rest of her trip, allow her to do as many activities as possible while she is there and not have the worry of anything and to possibly even send her home with a little extra money to allow her to spend more time with her husband and child doing something to create a few more memories.

A week after her last chemo treatment, her cancer tumor markers had gone back up. Considering this was the most aggressive form of chemo there is, this is not a good sign. To lay it out frankly, which is the only way Susan and I have every been with each other and why she is one of my oldest and dearest friends, I am thankful that she will see 40 but it is a very real probability she won't see 41.

She has given so much to so many people and it is my wish to be able to give something back to someone so worthy.

It is more than I can do as one person, but with your help and the help of anyone you know who might like to do a little something for someone else, I know her dream can be made possible. My goal is to raise $2000.00 This seems like a lot but if each person I know just donates $5 or $10 (the price of a Starbucks coffee, or a 6 pack of beer, or a movie ticket) I think this goal can be accomplished.

I am not one to ever ask of anything for myself and I have never asked for anything like this before but knowing how short and precious life is, I feel very compelled and moved to do this. Anything you can do is appreciated more than I can say. One person cant always make a huge difference alone but many people doing something small can.

Here is the link to her donation page and you can donate any amount at all…
Click HERE to help Susan - Please Go To  http://roxanneashey.blogspot.com/2011/02/paying-it-forward.html

Thank you again, for reading this, and for helping my dear friend to have this opportunity to have one week in her life that wasn’t about anyone else but her.

God Bless

Roxanne

Radiation Therapy

Today I went to Rocky Mountain Cancer Center for my monthly Zomeda treatment.  I have been receiving this treatment monthly to help build bone density which is very necessary since the cancer weakened my bones and caused a compression fracture.  Incidentally, I lost an inch and a half off my height. 

While I was at Rocky Mountain I asked my Doctor if we should consider radiation to the rib that showed some activity on the PET scan.  I did receive some radiation to my right hip as I was having some difficulty walking and pain.  Radiation therapy is a breeze as it takes only a few minutes and is virtually painless.  There can be some side effects but I did not experience any that were bothersome. 

My Doctor did not feel that radiation would be a good idea right now unless I was having pain.  I have had some occasional cramping in this area but no real pain.  I do not see my Doctor again for a month which will give us time to see if the hormone therapy is working.  I will address the question of radiation therapy again with her at this time and take labs.  I am very hopeful that this treatment will work as my hair is beginning to grow back and having hair again will be nice.  I lost all of my hair on this last round of chemotherapy and it is just now starting to come back in.  The hair on my legs has NOT yet started to grow back and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will not.  I have heard from other cancer survivors who have been on chemotherapy that they got so lucky.  That would be a nice silver lining.

For the record, I do not count the free tattoos that came with the radiation treatment as a silver lining.  ;)

Susan

Off Chemotherapy and back on Hormone Therapy

I last met with Dr. Matei on Valentine's Day to discuss the PET scan results and decide on a plan for my treatment at Rocky Mountain Cancer Center.  I was not in a good mood as I had learned that my tumor markers had gone up from 346 to 376.  This was after my last chemotherapy, which I found very displeasing, because for all that chemotherapy entails I would have expected and appreciated a drop, even a little drop.

Dr. Matei reminded me that it is more important to pay attention to the overall trend and not to get upset over a single rise in tumor markers.  She felt that overall, Adriamycin and Cytoxan had done a good job for me and that we had enjoyed good results.  She suggested that I take a few months off to recover and give Aromasin a try.  Aromasin is an aromatase inhibitor and can only be used for women who are post menopausal. Last year, something suspect showed up on my PET scan in one of my ovaries so I had them removed which is called an oophorectomy.  For this round she promised that we would keep an eye on things and take action if I didn't respond well to this hormone therapy. 

I have previously been on Tamoxifen and Faslodex but it did not help keep things at bay despite the fact that my cancer is ER-positive.  I asked Dr. Matei if going on Aromasin was risky with my history of anti-estrogen medications but she felt that it was not.  I have asked her if it would be unrealistic to hope that at some point I will be in remission and not on treatment and she stated that it was very unrealistic.  In fact, she stated that I will go back and forth between chemo therapies and oral medications until at some point this disease takes my life.

I realize that this is not pleasant reading material and I can tell you it is not any more pleasant to have these conversations in person.  I feel that it is important to give my readers all the information about this journey and not just the pleasant parts.  I spend a lot of time thinking about topics and trying to figure out what to blog about.  If there are things you have been wondering about please feel free to ask.  No subject is out of bounds.  I am pretty open.

The Creation of A Life

The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live.
Elbert Hubbard

Creating is such a dynamic process.  Some plan through the entire process.  Some get started and see where the creative process takes them.  I have joked with friends about not having a life and they have asked me in jest where one can be bought.  I wish I knew a place where the finest lives can be bought.  I would get one.  Fortunately you and I have the ability to invest our time on quality pursuits that feed us but we can also choose not to.

I sat with a couple this week who have been married for 12 years.  They are in their late forties.  I asked him what they did together as a couple.  He responded that they do nothing and have nearly nothing in common.  He explained that he worked 6 days a week and put in nearly 60 hours or more a week.  He is also a new grandfather and reports that he suffers from guilt because he rarely sees the baby.  He is creating a life filled with regret and he knows it.  I suggested he set up a weekly pizza date with his child and grandchild that is the same time every week at his house when he would normally come home for supper anyway.  Then we talked about planning activities they each like individually and giving to each other by sharing their company in these pursuits.

I am committed to my marriage.  The cancer and cancer treatments bring a lot of fatigue which make it really hard to actively participate in a family life.  Working can really take it out of me and by early evening I often do not have anything left.  It can be a real difficult balance to push myself to do more and enjoy my life while trying to get the rest I need for my best chance at recovery. 


My father and my son in Bar Harbor, ME

In the last 12 years the couple had not taken a vacation since their honeymoon.  I asked them what they are looking forward to and they shook their heads at me sadly.  They had accumulated some debt and were working to pay it. The husband felt especially driven to take care of this responsibility and is the busy type who enjoys working.  He said it would be nice to have something to look forward to with his wife in addition to his yearly hunting trip. I responded to them that they should go home and begin to plan something so that they would have something to look forward to.  I hope that they will.

Dost thou love life?

Then do not squander time,

for that is the stuff life is made of.

Benjamin Franklin

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
Helen Keller

Thanks to my friend Roxanne here is what I am looking forward to...

http://www.imperialfiesta.com.mx/

For all of you generous people out there who have been so kind and have contributed so that I may have this trip with Roxanne I would like to thank you from the very bottom of my heart.  I am so excited about this and am looking forward to it.  I am bursting at the seams with gratitude.