The Sweetest Music

Today when I came home from work I opened the door to our condo and was greeted by my son who cried out "Mama".  I haven't heard him say this in so long..not since he was a small baby as these were his first words.  My heart skipped a beat.  He was in bed with his father but clearly was not sleeping yet.  He scrambled down from the bed and cried out "Mama" a second time.


Tan and his nap time pal

 I put him back in bed with his father and climbed in with them.  He smiled contentedly and enjoyed a cuddle with both of us.  In the time before I got my compression fracture he was well on his way to being an independent sleeper and then I got hurt.  You might recall that the cancer weakened my bones causing the compression fracture which led to the discovery of the cancer.

Now, a year and a half later, we have not yet re-trained the little guy to go to bed by himself.  It wasn't how we planned things but sometimes life deals you a blow you didn't expect and best laid plans are altered.  He is getting bigger and busier by the day.  We hear new words from him daily but I have to tell you that it will be some time before I hear him say sweeter words than the ones I heard him say today.  I am probably biased.

Huy is Tan's favorite nap time pal.  I get a kick out the fact that when he puts the baby down for a nap he is usually the first one to fall asleep.  The baby takes much more time tossing and turning before he settles in.  Aren't they sweet?

PET Scan From 2-10-11

Findings: Imaging through the head and neck shows no findings suggestive for malignancy.  Imaging through the chest shows no evidence of hypermetabolic lung parenchymal disease, hilar, or mediastinal adenopathy.  There is no hypermetabolic activity in the breast tissues.  Imaging through the abdomen and pelvis continues to show normal physiologic distribution of radiopharmaceutical.  Imaging of musculoskeletal structures show massive improvement of the hypermetabolic osseous metastatic disease.  The vast majority of lesions are well visualized on the mapping CT, but no longer measurably hypermetabolic.  The only area of residual hypermetabolic activity is in the left sixth rib laterally.  Even this area shows less hypermetabolic activity than on the previous exam.

Impression:
1.  Marked improvement in the osseous metastatic disease when compared to the previous study.
2.  The only residual hypermetabolic bone lesion is in approximate the left sixth rib laterally.  Even this area has improved from the prior exam.
3.  No hypermetabolic soft tissue disease noted.

Honor Roll Additions

Please check out the two latest editions to the Pay it Forward Honor Roll.

Happy Valentine's Day

Dear Huy,

I love you.  I looked a long time to find you.  I guess I was looking in all the wrong places or I needed to wait on God's timing.  I want to take this opportunity to tell you how glad I am that I finally found you.  I spent a lot of time thinking that I needed to be perfect before someone would love me.  I spent years trying to lose weight and somehow only managed to gain it.  I didn't think anyone would love me unless I was thin. I underestimated how you would be able to love me because of my heart and not because of my appearance.

When we began to date and eventually fell in love I could see this love in your eyes.  Even then as I was overjoyed to see the love from your heart reflected in your eyes I still could not begin to grasp the depth of that love.  These days when I have grown too warm from a hot flash or the temperature to have my head covered and you look at me with my bald head I can still see the same love in your eyes.  I cry tears of gratitude and I am filled with love for you and joy. I feel like a lucky, lucky woman to have the honor of being your wife.

I know that I get after you about some things.  I have high expectations and at times I can be quite demanding.  I do not let you off the hook but you are a strong man who is able to admit when you are wrong and to hold your own.  I find that to be a very admirable trait.  I love your sense of humor.  I love that you are independent and allow me to be independent.  We each have our own space, our own past times and when we come together as a couple it is very meaningful.  It was the kind of marriage I would dream about when I was single and lonely and afraid that I wouldn't find someone to call my own.  

This is me trying to figure
 out sleeping with a nursing
schedule, a husband who
needed to sleep and trying to
read the baby books to ensure I
knew what I needed to know.


Speaking of dreams, I want you to know Huy, that you have made so many of my dreams come true.  I wanted to be married to a man that loves me.  I wanted a child and to parent that child with a husband.  You have made these dreams come true and so many more.  It means so much to me that you allowed Tan to be born at home.  I could feel in the depths of my being that I wanted a home birth for my son.  You were afraid and felt it would be safer for us in the hospital.  As long as I live, I will remember how great you were the night he was born.  You took such great care of me and followed the plan for Tan that we made with the doula.  Thank you for giving in and letting me have the birth experience that I wanted.  Since I cannot have another child naturally it means so much more to me.

I continue to have dreams and you continue to give in and help me make them come true.  I have not made it easy on you.  My dreams are sometimes bigger than your comfort zone and nearly always bigger than what you can fathom.  I am sorry that this process has not been comfortable for you.  I do not intend to stop dreaming and I know that because you love me you do not want me to.  I love my kitchen.  I love the way that our home is shaping up.  I feel more and more that it is our home.  I am proud of how beautiful, safe and cozy it feels.  I am happy to live here with you.

I am aware that you need us to concentrate on getting the loan paid off for our project.  I commit to that.  I would like to have a nice dinner with you this week and talk about working on a dream that you might have.  I think that this would be a nice way to celebrate Valentine's Day.  I know that you don't do things the way other people do.  It may not be your first impulse buy big gifts on February 14 but you make sure that we have food to eat every day and many times when I come home from work you are cooking dinner.  I love the easy relationship that you and I have together.  I love that we go to bed laughing and talking nearly every night.  Our son loves you and loves to hold and cuddle with you. It fills my heart to see you and him together.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I love you very much.  Happy Valentine's Day!

Susan

Huy's Gift



Finding Your Inspiration

Do you remember the last time that you felt inspired?  How about the last time that you were moved to tears?  I wonder what gets you out of bed in the morning.  Is it a burning desire to complete the items on your agenda or is it a fear and dread regarding the consequences if you don't?

I watched an interview this week with Donald Trump and his five children.  I found it interesting what his children said about him.  They talked about his drive and his single mindedness in living his passion.  They said that he is uncompromising but that he is also known for being kind to the those he encounters and to those who work for him.  I don't know if that is really true but I cannot think of any better compliment.  I felt inspired.

I have taken the time to reflect on my life professionally and personally.  I have been asked to write my eulogy a few times.  I wrote my second one in my graduate program and I wrote one in a life management seminar I attended.  I know what is said about me in my professional life.  I know that what I am known for and celebrated there is not the same things that my family would say about me.  I am not sure what makes these two facets of my life different.  I suspect that at the heart of the matter lies passion and inspiration.

I do not think that I live my personal life as inspired and filled with passion as my professional life.  This presents a problem for me as I feel the need to suck every drop out of every day.  I am making progress.  I am aware of this internal conflict and I am taking measured steps to correct what I foresee to be an issue.  I have introduced different forms of each into my personal life.  I think it is a matter of focus and intention.

In the professional parts of my life I was fortunate  to discover a path that was inspired and in which I have great talent.  It became easy after that.  I struggled for a time finding balance.  At times I over worked and over did it. For awhile, I was in the right job but the wrong location.  With each self correct I was closer and closer until I reached my destination. I was always inspired and always filled with passion.

I am now attempting to do the same on a personal level.  I am working to create a home for my family that is beautiful and functional.  I am inspired to create a life filled with love for my son and for my husband and for myself.  I am passionate about my son feeling safe yet having the freedom to explore and learn.  I have a renewed desire to participate as a member of my extended family.  I yearn to connect with friends and form lasting and meaningful relationships outside my family.

There are a number of dreams that I still have in the works.  I would like an opportunity to pull everything together into a life that is balanced, beautiful and consistent.  I would like to be known, really known, by those who are close and I would like them to experience a consistent Susan.  I would like to be known as someone who found meaning in her life and then crafted that life to perfection.  I want to wear my passion on my sleeve fully recognized by those around me.  I am not done yet.  There are so many miles left to go.

I cannot yet say that I am filled with gratitude for this cancer experience but I am getting there quickly.  I am motivated to life my best life in a way that I have never experienced.  Every moment with my family is a blessing.  My hands are filled with inspiration and dripping with passion.  I just need to figure out how to stretch it and grow it in order to allow it to encompass more and more of my daily living.

A good laugh feels good

Yesterday, we drove to my in-laws home in Thornton, Colorado to celebrate Chinese New Year which is apparently big even among Vietnamese families.  We were a little concerned about making the trip as the weather called for snow but it had been awhile since we had been there as a family.  We made a decision to turn back or leave early at the first sign of snow and made the trip.

If you have never had fresh roll your own spring rolls in a Vietnamese restaurant you should plan a trip at your earliest convenience as they are delicious.  We grilled up shrimp, fish and thinly sliced beef at the table on a griddle and wrapped them in rice paper wrappers with rice noodles, romaine lettuce, cilantro, pineapple, cucumber and pickled jicama and carrots.  I ate mine with fish sauce but my family members ate theirs with shrimp sauce.  My son Tan just gobbled up the rice noodles and helped himself to the sesame candy tray.

We had only begun to enjoy ourselves when it began snowing heavily.  We made a quick exit but the ride home was slow going.  I noticed on this trip that heavy interstate traffic was quite nearly unbearable for me.  I have never suffered from anxiety previously but this time I was very uncomfortable.  On the way home, I sat with the baby so that he could watch a video on my lap top and have an easier time as he grows restless.  He had napped on the way to Thornton so I knew that we wouldn't have as much luck the return trip.  After my lap top batteries gave way we snacked on apples and sang songs.

Though the traffic was bad we had a fairly enjoyable ride home.  At one point, the baby broke out into hysterical giggles which soon broke into full blown laughter.  I have no idea what he was laughing about but I began to laugh also.  When I stopped laughing I would look over at my son and he would get started again.  This brought us some quizzical looks from Huy in the rear view mirror but I was unable to explain what we were laughing about.  I still do not know but I can tell you it felt good.  It helped break the tension for me during the uncomfortable drive and we shared a nice family moment.

If it has been awhile since you have had a good laugh then my question to you is..what are you waiting for?  It might be a good idea to look up the post I wrote on Being Silly (9-10) and re-read it. In it I include a video of the baby laughing with me which might help you get started.  I hope you laugh til your sides hurt.  It is a good stress reliever.

Susan

Attitude is Everything

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.
Thomas Jefferson

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

ATTITUDE
by: Charles SwindollThe longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

Neutropenic Fever

When I finished this latest round of chemotherapy I was really hopeful that I would be able to avoid a hospital visit.  I was hospitalized once during the last round for Neutropenic Fever and actually was unable to have the last treatment of chemotherapy.  I had been on a cycle of one treatment a week for three weeks and then one week off the first time around which ended in April 2010.  This time it was four treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan given once a month and ending January 2011.

On Monday I began having diarrhea and cold chills.  As instructed, I checked my temperature and initially it was only 99.1 degrees Fahrenheit.  I got into bed with the heating pad around 2 pm praying fervently that a little rest would take care of things.  I reached into my purse and pulled out my medication information which lists symptoms and suggestions on what to do if you show any.  It very clearly states that a fever of 100.5 and chills are a sign of possible infection and that I should call my doctor immediately day or night if I show signs of these symptoms (additionally blistering at the IV site and Shortness of breath or swelling of throat or facial features).  I have gotten in some hot water on past occasions for not calling as this is a sign of a serious problem.

It is also very vital to pay attention to these symptoms at the nadir (low point) of the blood counts occurring between 7-14 days after treatment.  January 31, 2011 was exactly 7 days following my last treatment so it wasn't something that I could just ignore. By 4 pm my temperature was up to 100 degrees Fahrenheit and I called my friend who is an oncology nurse and consulted with her.  Upon seeing there was no way to avoid a phone call to Dr. Matei I then placed a call to her.  Dr. Matei was unhappy that I had waited until around 4:30 pm to call and wished I had called sooner.  She instructed me to go to the Emergency Room.  I asked her for a direct admit and she told me that it was too late in the afternoon.  I then received a quick call back from her and was instructed to go to Penrose Main and go directly to the 11th floor.

I was admitted and placed on IV antibiotics for Neutropenic Fever.  If you look this up on the Internet you will find that this is a common result of being on chemotherapy.  I was released the following day when the temperatures were at record lows in Colorado and the rest of the country. I consider myself very lucky to have been released so soon as I did a five day stretch last time.

Fever, Neutropenic Fever, and their Relationship to Chemotherapy

What is fever and can it be caused by chemotherapy or other cancer treatments? 
Fever is an abnormally high body temperature.  Usually defined by 3 oral temperatures greater than 38ºC or 100.4ºF in a 24-hour period, or one temperature greater than 38.5ºC or 101.3ºF.  Fever is the body's response to infection.  However, only in about half of all patients with cancer, who develop a fever, can a definite source of the infection be found.

Fever is particularly concerning if it occurs at a time when the white blood count level is known or expected to be low (at the nadir).  During this time the body's normal defenses against infections are down, and fever needs to be further evaluated immediately.

Chemotherapy and fever are sometimes related because fever can also be present in patients who are receiving chemo treatments and biologic therapy as part of the "flu-like syndrome (FLS)."  The fevers associated with FLS usually peak at 40ºC or 104ºF and often spike after a severe chill.  This can mimic the clinical picture of sepsis (an infection in the blood), so it is important that patients who are receiving biologic therapy to be aware of the usual course of fever after treatment. 
How is fever evaluated?
Physical exam and history of symptoms:

• Questions as to whether there are any other signs of infection, redness, swelling, pain, pus, productive cough, color of phlegm, breaks in the skin, presence of an IV line, mouth sores. 
• Questions as to when last chemotherapy was given and what type of chemotherapy was given.  This gives the health care professional an idea whether the patient is likely to be neutropenic.

Characteristics and symptoms of neutropenic fever:

• When a person is neutropenic (has low white blood cells or neutrophils) the usual signs of infection (redness, swelling and pus formation) are absent. Pain and tenderness may be the only other indicators of infection.
• If a patient is taking biologic therapy where fever is a likely side effect of the treatment knowing the timing of the fever and it's association with the treatment will help to evaluate if infection may also be present.

Lab tests:

• Complete blood count (CBC) may be checked to see if a patient is neutropenic (low white blood cell count) and at higher risk of infection.
  • If a patient has a fever and low neutrophil count (less than 500/mm3) (febrile neutropenia) they are at risk for infection they may be hospitalized, monitored and receive antibiotics.  The concern is that an infection can develop in the blood and lead to a life-threatening condition - sepsis.  So the patient is admitted to receive antibiotics until the fever resolves, and neutrophils increase to safe levels - if no source of infection is found.
• Cultures to try to determine the source of infection from:
  • Blood
  • Urine
  • Throat
  • Drainage from catheter or draining wound. 
  • If diarrhea is present in a neutropenic patient a sample may be checked.

Chest X-ray (CXR):

• This is a quick and painless procedure where a picture, or an x-ray, will be taken to look at the internal structures of your chest. The chest x-ray will look specifically at your lungs, heart, and ribs. 
• When infection is suspected CXR are often repeated to compare one to another.  Sometimes this is more helpful to detect subtle changes especially in patients with prolonged neutropenia (low neutrophil counts).

Things you can do to minimize the effects of fever:

Fever related to febrile neutropenia/infection:

• Notify your health care professional immediately if you have a fever greater than 38.5ºC or 100.5ºF.
• Know what chemotherapy drugs you are receiving (write them down) and if they are likely to cause low white blood cell counts.  This will help if you develop a fever on an evening or weekend and need to talk to a health professional who is not familiar with your case.
• If you are receiving chemotherapy that is likely to decrease your white blood cell count, check your temperature twice a day if you feel warm.

How do you know when you know?

Every day I make decisions.  Nearly every day I sit with people who are wrestling with decisions they are trying to make.  When I reflect on my life and some of my decisions I honestly wonder how I was so fortunate to make the right ones.  The ones that were not right still sting a little but I can say I learned a lot from them.

I wish that I had a formula for decision making that was a little more solid than first impulse or going with my gut.  How do you know when you know?  Do you?  Maybe you don't.  Perhaps that is what is meant by hindsight being 20/20.

I have sat with someone convinced, absolutely rock solid, that she needed to get divorced and was firm in this conviction for about eight months straight.  Then we had a great joint session with her husband and three months later she was glad that she didn't because it would not have been the right decision.  I have accepted a job and then offered another one a week later that I thought was better so I took it.  It wasn't.  The thing is that our minds can be so convincing.

A  premise of my job as a counselor is to counsel people in the midst of a decision.  I listen to them and ask question based on my knowledge of them as a person.  Having a sounding board can be a huge help but you must be careful.  When you put your life up to committee make sure that the committee members are educated, somewhat neutral and have experience in the arena in which you want their assistance.  If you want business advice consult business men and women who are achieving a level of success.  This is a helpful process as long as you are careful not to be steered in a direction or substitute another person's ideas for your own feelings.

This is sort of what I have figured out so far.  I welcome your thoughts and anecdotes.  Do you have a method that is tried and true?  Please share it. 

Susan

We all could use some more wisdom

It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld

The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.
William James

The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others.
Solomon Ibn Gabriol

For sake of clarity, I would like to say that I do not profess to be wise.  I found these quotes and really liked them so I wanted to share.  I know that I have had some wise moments, lest anyone feel the need to comment, but I have also gotten lucky.

Susan

Saying Goodbye To The Red Devil

Adriamycin is a chemotherapy drug that is bright red in color and well known for being extremely toxic hence the nickname Red Devil.  My Doctor was pleased with how well my cancer responded to this drug but elected to only give me 4 doses of it as it poses a serious risk to my heart to do more than that.

Whenever I have been put on chemotherapy I have been given a printout of all the side effects and symptoms to be on watch for and what to do if the symptoms persist.  If you ever find yourself in these shoes, keep in mind that this reading material should be reserved for a time when you are feeling pretty good.  It can be downright scary.

I had my last dose of Adriamycin and Cytoxan yesterday.  Today I had my injection of Neulasta to boost my immune system after the tremendous hit it just took.  I learned today that taking over the counter Claritin has been said to help with the tremendous pain that follows this injection so I picked up some.  I will let you know if I notice a difference because in the past I have suffered a lot of pain.

It is strangely true.  Claritin minimized the pain I was in and the duration.  I am not sure why this works but it did.

The plan from here is to take an oral medication to help keep things at bay and when things progress I will have to go back on chemotherapy.  My doctor states that it is unrealistic to think that I will get the cancer into remission and be able to go off treatment.  I will take this under advisement but I still believe in the power of prayer.  I have a lot of people praying for me across the country.  I owe them a debt of gratitude for taking time out to remember me.  Thank you everyone!!

Susan

Family Ties

I'd like to introduce my second cousin Eduardo Seda to you. Susan met him a couple of weeks ago when we took the opportunity for lunch in Denver.  Eduardo was one of those distant relatives that surfaced from time to time, fondly thought of, but not there in our day-to-day growing-up lives .  Although we are both present on the same family tree, the limbs are not close and neither was our relationship.  How could it be, I was raised in Fairfield, Maine and Eduardo grew up in Puerto Rico.  

We share the same great-grandparents.  His grandmother and my grandfather were siblings.  You've already met his grandmother, she was my Aunt Yvonne.   Now, Aunt Yvonne was an original.  In an era when women were not educated beyond the necessary, she valued education and learning and strove to excel, even walking miles to take classes at night.  She raised her three daughters exactly that way too.  They broke the mold of living typical, French Canadian, Central Maine lives (not saying there's anything wrong with that lifestyle).  Those three sisters were all strong, interesting and independent women, good women in their own way.  Eduardo's mother, Lois, went to college in Boston and there she met and fell in love with an interesting man (not sure if he was another student) who was Puerto Rican.   They moved to Puerto Rico and eventually had four children, Eduardo, Maria, Rosa, and Marta.   Occasionally, their paths and ours would cross, but we never got to know them as we did the rest of the clan who had stayed close to the home fires. 



Aunt Yvonne



Fast forward to present, after those in my generation had grown, married, and raised our families and those in our grandparents generation were gone.  Our family tree was bigger and more splintered but I had heard through the family grapevine that Eduardo was a medical doctor, a radiologist.  And, somehow, I knew that he lived in Denver (there IS a point to this whole story).

Back in October 2009 when we knew that there was something very wrong with Susan, we were dismayed that she could not seem to get her MRI scheduled.  Late one Friday evening when I could not sleep, I set out to find Eduardo, I wondered if he could help.  It didn't take long to locate him, there he was on another cousin's Facebook page.  I immediately sent him a long email message, told him what was going on and asked for help or advice.  Very early the next morning he replied and provided some phone numbers and contact information for Susan to call on Monday, as well as his cell number if we needed it.  Susan was able to get the MRI promptly done and in fact, Eduardo did the interpretation.  On her MRI report, he stated among other things (horrible things) that Susan had a distant family history of several types of cancers.  He was referring to his own grandmother and mother's cancers ( though he didn't come right out and name them).

During this whole saga, Eduardo has been my mentor, advisor, and cheerleader.  When it has looked desperate, he would say 'I don't want to give false hope, but"........and then he would encourage us with positive information.   When Susan was headed to Maine in September with a painful right hip full of tumor and an MRI of the hip done but not read, I emailed him again. We wondered if it was safe for her to travel, we were afraid of a hip fracture so far from home.  He replied in eight minutes.  Eight minutes.  He said, "I just looked at her MRI, be careful, use a wheelchair in the airports, take it easy, have a good time".  We went with caution but without the fear of the unknown. 

I knew Eduardo was my cousin and a radiologist.  I did NOT know what a wonderful, interesting, smart, and compassionate man he is. He has a quiet and gentle way about him, he is so gifted but more humble.  He understands me in a familial way, "the Mainer in you" as he says.  His way of saying I am blunt speaking (and not any different than his grandmother was). I still have not met his wife and two grown children and we look forward to, as Eduardo puts it, "family time" to get acquainted.   This is a joy we would not have except for this journey we have been set upon.

I am so grateful to Eduardo.  He has helped me over some of the puddles and bumps in this journey.  I am awestruck however because of that still, small, voice that whispered to me late that Friday night, "get out of bed right now and find Eduardo, he can help you".  Truly, how can we be afraid when we have the Wonderful Counselor who knows all,  loves best and watches over us 24/7.



Tumor Markers

Tumor markers are a way of testing how much cancer a person has and how active it is.  Cancer releases a substance in the bloodstream that can be measured and this is how tumor marker numbers are determined. When I was diagnosed with cancer in Oct 09 my markers were at 297.  Six months of chemotherapy brought that number down to 188 before it began to climb.

Since my cancer is estrogen fed my ovaries were removed this past summer and the next day my markers dipped but within a short amount of time they began to climb again.  The all time high was 1105 taken back in Sept/Oct 2010 which led me to this current round of chemotherapy.

Shortly after the first of four treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan the tumor markers measured 662.  After the second treatment it went down to 398.  On January 20, 2011 I again had my tumor markers tested and they had dropped to 346.  While I am thankful for the direction, I can honestly admit that I was hoping for more of a drop.  When you look at how much it dropped after the first and second treatment you can see why I was hopeful.

Tomorrow, I am going to receive my last of the four treatments and then my Doctor and I will make a decision about what to do next.  Please keep in mind that the tumor markers need to be under 36 to register normal.  Also, tumor markers are not a reliable way of measuring how much cancer a person has.  I pay attention to the numbers but a false high can show up when a lot of the cancer is dying releasing a large number into the bloodstream.  This is why Doctors use other measuring tools like PET scans for ongoing information and treatment planning.

Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  I will continue keeping you posted via this blog and facebook.

Susan

When Life Knocks You Down...

The Karate Kid movie arrived courtesy of netflix this week.  I had seen the movie with my mother in Florida, when it was out in the theaters, and really enjoyed it.  Just like the first time I saw it tears slid down my face when Dre Parker (Jaden Smith) delivers the line "when life knocks you down you can choose to get back up".  If you have not seen this movie I encourage you to get it.  I found it very inspirational and very true.

Life will without question knock us down but only we can decide to lay there and feel sorry for ourselves or to get back up.  This is not always easy.  If you have ever had the wind knocked out of you it might take a few minutes of laying there stunned before you get back up.  At times, getting up is only possible when a good friend extends a hand of encouragement and a little momentum. 

This movie delivers on getting up when life knocks you down, facing your fears and the importance of friendship.  I would like to say more but I don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it.  I know a little bit about all three.  I have laid on the mat a couple of times and contemplated the wisdom of getting up.  Some days it would seem like a better idea to stay down.  When I find myself in that situation I am overcome by sheer curiosity to find out what is next on this journey.  So far, I have not been disappointed.

If you are finding yourself in a struggle keep getting up.  It might be the last thing you want to do.  It might feel like a terrible idea but there are sure to be good times coming up around the bend.  You don't want to miss those do you?  Of course not, you have more fight in you so keep going.

Navigating our individual rivers

We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities. Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote reminds me of that Garth Brooks song The River.  It is a beautiful song.  It is a very beautiful song. If you haven't heard it in awhile or if you have never heard it consider looking it up on youtube.com

He sings of taking risks, living a brave life and meeting opportunities with a head held high.  It encourages each of us to weigh the pros and cons and consider them against the regret of not trying.

I know that sometimes the going gets rough.  Some days it is difficult to determine if you are overcoming obstacles or receiving a few knocks intended to let you know you are heading in the wrong direction.  Keep on course and re-evaluate often.  If it becomes clear the latter is true then change course immediately. 

Our Excellent Adventure

Yesterday, Susan and I embarked on a long anticipated adventure.  We went “Typhoon Bordeaux” hunting.  Now, lest you think that the altitude has affected our mental status, let me assure you that Typhoon Bordeaux is a particularly lovely type of granite.   So, off we went to Denver, and after an errand or two, we found ourselves in the granite district of Denver (much like the flower district of NYC).   Susan has been relishing this kitchen remodel project and has invested hours of research and creative thinking into her definition of perfection.  So to be able to share in the “piece de resistance” of the project (so to speak) was quite wonderful.  

Susan was like the proverbial kid in a candy store, beaming from ear to ear, and wondrously wandering around the gigantic (and freezing) barns of the granite warehouse, comparing, admiring and inspecting the various slabs.  She knew just what she was looking for having spent hours pondering the various effects of color, pattern, and sparkle in her kitchen.  She was on a mission to find the particularly perfect slab of Brazilian granite that would fit the bill. 

Susan has suggested that everyone should go granite shopping at least once in their lives, just for the sheer enjoyment of it, and I am inclined to agree with her.  It is absolutely mind-boggling.  There is a color and pattern to satisfy every taste.  There are jet black slabs with gold flecks, whites with black flecks, blues,

greens, burgundies, grays, and every color and combination under the sun.  There are some that are muted and understated (almost boring), others classy and formal, and some that remind you of 4th of July fireworks with pop and sizzle.  We found ourselves using words like "character, personality, cool, and warm" to describe them.  I felt quite important and pondered a second career in the granite business just to be around this beauty all the time. 

After all was said and done, we got more of an education yesterday than a final decision.  She is still on the hunt for the PERFECT piece.  So thankfully, the quest continues and we get to play for a day or two longer.  This is the kind of decision that is best drawn out and savored, exactly like the gorgeous stone that will decorate their kitchen for years to come will be.  Ah, the sweet agony of it all........

The Final Selection...Niagra Gold - very similar to Typhoon Bordeaux

 

Everyone needs a snow day

We had a nice snow storm with cold temperatures last night into this morning.  Since I work for myself and can easily shift appointments, I decided to take a snow day.  I do not like being out on the roads or having my clients drive across town when there is just no need for it. 

It was so nice to linger in a warm, soft bed and have a leisurely breakfast.  My husband came home with our son and we had a fun morning.  A lady in our church had given Tan a zebra 3 in 1 scooter/bike from Vtech toys and the baby was exploring it and pushing all the buttons as he sat on the seat.

Snow days are like mini vacations or mental health days.  It is a pajama day where you move at a slow pace and give yourself permission to say no to whatever does not appeal to you.  Ahhh...such a nice luxury.  The best part of Colorado Springs, in my opinion, is that we can have a pretty snow storm and also that it quickly and rather politely melts away so that it doesn't cause much of a bother.  By this afternoon the roads were already melting. 

I am from Maine and so it almost seems wrong to stay at home in my pajamas when I am fully capable of driving in two inches of snow.  I said almost because mental health days are vital and so are vacations.  I wonder when the last day you had a snow day or took a break from your routine?  If it has been too long and you are a bit stressed plan one for yourself. 

Step one:  go to the grocery store and stock up on treats like hot cocoa, marsh mellows and fun breakfast food.  Step two:  take your mental health day by making the proper arrangements with your employer.  Step three: sleep as late as possible, linger in bed, eat a fantastic breakfast and do only what you want to do.  You might be tempted to organize your closet but resist this and every other productive and work related impulse.  Step four: repeat as often as possible for maximum benefit and good results.

I Have No Value

In my practice I use a list of negative cognition's.  I give it to my clients as we set up for an EMDR session.  As we focus on our target I ask them to look over the list and tell me what negative cognition best describes how they feel about themselves related to the issue we are targeting.  Though I ask for a statement I am often given several.

"I am a disappointment.  I am permanently damaged.  I am shameful.  I am stupid.  I am worthless.  I deserve to die.  I am ugly."  The list goes on and on.  They feel in their heart of hearts that they have no value.  They do not know that they are children of God.  They do not know that they were crafted and woven by a God who loves them.  They are lost.

I do not market myself as a Christian counselor.  I have a heart for the lost.  They come in droves.  Weary, empty and sad.  My brother recently had a meaningful talk with his friend whom he had not seen for awhile.  He challenged him that if he asked God to show himself he would be amazed that it would happen.  It would happen in an unusual and quiet way.  I probably will not occur in a clap of thunder and appearance though I wouldn't advise anyone to rule it out.

I don't know what your spiritual life is like.  I don't want to preach to you.  I will ask you to consider the advice my brother gave his friend.  If any of the negative cognitions strike a cord with you then I would ask you to read the following verses.

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.  See Romans 8

We have value.  We cannot earn our way to worthiness.  Our value does not rest in what we do but in what we are.  We are children of the King.  Repeat that to yourself the next time you catch your reflection in the mirror. 

Susan

Quotes on Character

This experience has provided an opportunity for me to examine my character.  I have faced some hard times and dark nights going through this health crisis with cancer and I think I have handled things pretty well.  It has given me a new appreciation for life, health and family.  I come from strong folks and I have discovered that I am strong as well.

I came across a website with some inspirational quotes.  I would like to share with you some quotes on character.  Don't be surprised if you see some of the other quotes interspersed with my blog articles.  They had some really good ones.
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You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.
Henry David Thoreau

It requires less character to discover the faults of others, than to tolerate them.
J. Petit Senn

Talents are best nurtured in solitude. Character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Love Is The Resolution

If you look up resolution in the dictionary it says a resolve is a determination: to make a firm resolution to do something. It also defines resolution as an act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc. .

I can think of nothing that I want for 2011 except more love in my life.  I would like a lot of things that I do not have control over.  Of course.  Since I don't have a say in some things, I am determined to spend my time loving and being loved.  I am resolved to a loving course of action, to use loving methods and more loving procedures.

Tan...Moments After Being Born

1 Corinthians 13 defines love this way

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.

This is a picture of my son after he was born and I dressed him in the outfit I bought for him.  He was born in our little home with me and Huy and our midwife to assist.  It was exactly the way I wanted it to be.  I couldn't stop looking at him that day.  I can't stop looking at him now.  He is loved.  I may not be able to give him everything I want him to have but I will do what I can to ensure that he is surrounded by love.

Being a parent helps you realize what love means in ways you didn't imagine before.  Love is not always easy.  Some times it is an effort.  Having cancer has redefined a lot in my life.  It certainly has shifted my priorities and how I plan my days. I can think of no endeavor more worthy of my time and effort than loving.  I can think of no better way to ensure that not a moment of my time is wasted. 

I like that song sung by Kris Allen - Live Like Were Dying.  I suggest that you look it up on YouTube.com if you are interested.  If you knew you were dying how would you choose to live your last days?  I don't believe that my life is over.  In fact, I think it is just getting started.  That being said I like to hedge my bets because it seeems prudent.  Time is a luxury that none of us are assured that we have.

This year my son will be two years old.  I have not been able to parent him exactly the way that I wanted or envisioned the first day he was with me.  I have had a lot of help, though, and that help has been given in love.  He will need a lot of love and patience this year from me and from all his care givers.  I pray that God will continue to bless our family as we work on loving Tan and loving each other.  I pray that 2011 will be a year filled with love and blessings for you and your family as well.

Susan