Today I was on the phone with an old friend of the family. Though she is not much of a techy she admitted that she tuned into the blog last night and read nearly all of it. She then said the phrase we have been hearing over and over from a lot of you. "I would have commented but I didn't know what to say." Now this friend is a woman who works as a nurse in Oncology. This just goes to show you that being around people affected by cancer is not something you get used to and it doesn't give you a leg up on "what to say".
Her family is having some painful emotional struggles right now and she was loathe to share them with me. I was trying to listen and offer her some support. I desire nothing more to have a mutually supportive relationship with her and her family. This friend stated that she enjoyed the blog, she laughed, she cried and she felt better about her own situation. That was what she said but it wasn't the truth. The truth was that she was using the fact that I have cancer to invalidate her feelings and her own pain.
Pain is pain. I have a story that I tell my clients. I told the story to her and now I am going to tell it to you. Imagine that you are in the hospital with a broken leg. Not a simple break but a very serious broken leg. As you lay there in pain moaning and groaning you look over and notice someone else being brought into the room. When the hospital staff get this person settled you immediately realize that they have just had their leg amputated. Seeing that their situation is worse than yours does not make your leg hurt any less. They are in pain and you are pain. Your pain is your pain. Your pain is important to God no matter how you may try to trivialize it.
Luke 12:7 Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid, you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
God does not triage. Our prayers to God are not heard in the order in which they are received. We are not distributed according to some level of urgency with some of his children taking priority over others. I am being prayed for by a lot of people but I am not monopolizing His time.
You are my friend so please come here, sit by me, let's hold hands and squeeze them. I want to see your face. I want to hug you and press my cheek against your cheek. I want to help you carry in the groceries. I want to experience being around you. I don't want to wait for a "good day". You are important to me and I want to be with you.
Lets talk about what is going on in your life. I want to hear and comfort you during the good, the bad, the ugly. I want you to comfort me also. Lets be in a relationship with each other and lets makes sure the we both get a turn.
Can we do that? Are you willing to accept that my cancer does not diminish your needs, struggles, and pain. We can make room to talk about both. You get equal billing. I am your friend and we take turns because we love each other. Please note that I am asking this from all of you not just my dear old family friend.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
The Pearl of Great Price
Susan’s foray into the world of cancer treatment has clearly changed our whole family dynamic. A year ago this week, Paul and I were innocently planning a birthday weekend adventure on Anna Maria Island here in Florida and the biggest decision we were facing was where to have lunch. That now seems like a lifetime ago. When we got the call that Susan was being admitted to the hospital in mid-October and we left immediately for Colorado, our lives changed, our priorities were shifted, and our life-focus was redirected – permanently.
Because Susan needed so much hands-on help those first few months, Paul elected to stay behind and provide that. He became one of Tan’s caregivers, diaper changers, and playmates. We called him ‘manny’ (not nanny). Paul is in our opinion, the most wonderful grandfather a child ever had. He takes such joy in every aspect of the baby’s life and patiently attends to every need. Paul has always had a whimsical, playful approach to life and this golden opportunity to invest deeply in another child’s formative early years is not lost on him. If Tan wants to read books for two hours, they read books for that long. If he wants to go for a walk, play in the sprinklers, kiss the neighborhood dogs, eat strawberries, play with toys, play hide-n-seek, peek-a-boo, watch videos, whatever it is, Grampy is more than happy to attend. Tan gets the best and most choice offerings of strictly organic food from Whole Foods, designer made oatmeal each morning, and a daily bath time ritual with bubbles, toys, and a liberal dosing of lotion afterwards. Then he gets a clean outfit picked out to show off his good looks and cuteness. Paul’s reward is kisses, smiles, snuggles, and the trust of an adorable little boy and his parents.
The Bible teaches about ‘the pearl of great price” [Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. Matt 13:45 ].
We just know that everything we have lost or sold does not come close to the value of what we have gained this year. Blessings upon blessings, gifts upon gifts, all through a route none of us would have ever chosen.
Now, you might be thinking that I am referring to sad, bad, and negative things (and there are some). Nope. I am referring to wonderful, joyful, and glorious things that have been a direct result of time well spent in Colorado. Chief among them is the new and improved relationships that we have forged with Susan’s family, and especially between Grampy and Tan Michael Paul Nguyen.
The Bible teaches about ‘the pearl of great price” [Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. Matt 13:45 ].
We just know that everything we have lost or sold does not come close to the value of what we have gained this year. Blessings upon blessings, gifts upon gifts, all through a route none of us would have ever chosen.
Friday, September 10, 2010
A Message From A Friend
Hi – I am a friend and coworker of your Mother. I just wanted you to know that you are being prayed for on a daily basis. In our office we have an 8 by 10 picture of your son, compliments of Becky. His picture reminds us of you and his sweet smile gives us a smile. I read a couple journal entries you wrote. Very insightful and courageous! I am impressed with your openness and honesty. Hardwood floors are beautiful but the spurs on my heels cry out for plush, soft carpet! Enjoy them! You are in my prayers and in my heart….Jeanne PS. This am I woke up at 2 am for the first time in weeks. I simply could not go back to sleep and so I prayed for everyone I knew …including you and your mother!
Jeanne Pooser, Winter Haven, Florida
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Honesty is Still The Best Policy
I had dinner tonight with good friends Kate and Charley. They are also golfing buddies, Kate and I did a little rollerblading, we swim (or float) from time to time, and enjoy hanging out. They also throw the best Christmas Eve party in the park and I will surely miss that this year. Katie made an interesting observation tonight and one that rang in my head as others have said the same thing. I was telling her that we appreciated her blog comments and she confessed that the comments were often hard to write. "I am so afraid to say the wrong thing" she said. My sisters have mentioned the same sentiment - "no one knows what to say.” Well, I sure can appreciate that because I feel the same way myself. It is especially hard since Susan is a trained and experienced counselor so she knows how to see below the surface, read between the lines, and interpret non-verbal body language. She knows when someone is spinning the situation to make her feel better or minimizing the seriousness or potential impact, or just avoiding. So, here's a word of guidance for all of us, please just be honest and candid. If something you read touches you, makes you cry or laugh, gives you hope or causes you to appreciate that sunset or friend or spouse, then say so. There are no rules, there is no formula, and there is no right or wrong answer or response. Don't spend time wondering if you said it wrong, too open or closed up; too sappy or not enough, too humorous or too discouraging. You get the idea and here is the point. Susan has always had a HUGE need to make a difference, to shine a light, to take someone by the hand and guide them to a better place. This blog gives her a medium to reach into places that have never been open before and she is asking that we respond because that is what every counselor expects and wants. She needs to know HOW she is making a difference no matter how small. Her mobility is somewhat limited due to fatigue and pain now so she spends most evenings resting in bed, watching movies, buying and selling on Craig's list and surfing the web (simultaneously). This blog is one of her windows on the world, a real connection to you and something that brings her joy and energy.
Home is where you hang your hat?
Home is where you hang your hat? Nonsense. Rubbish. Definitely not. Nope.
Home is where your pulse quickens at the sight of it. Home is where your eyes delight in the viewing of it. Home is your answer when asked where you are from. Home is where your soul feels like it is wearing pajamas.
Home for me is Maine. Tonight as I was fussing at my husband (hey, it happens) I declared that I was leaving in two weeks. He looks at his watch and informs me I am leaving in one week. Gulp. I am both panic stricken with all I have to do before I leave and energized with the excitement of it.
Have you ever smelled the crisp ocean air? You probably have, but every cell in your body doesn't breathe an audible sigh of relief, I'll bet, like mine does. I've often said that the only down side to Colorado is that it lacks the ocean (although we do have a marina-if you don't believe me..look it up).
We will do what all folks do upon entering the holy ground of one's birth, we will eat all of our favorite foods until our bellies cry out for mercy. Despite the recommendations against it, we will eat lobster. I will have to have tender Maine shrimp, my personal favorite. If you think you have eaten shrimp, but have never tasted this delicacy you have not lived, my friend. That, I am sorry to say, is a statement made from the painstaking education hard won over years of tedious research and is not, in any way conjecture.
I will spend time with family. Not the ones that have been grafted in but the actual, looking like me, same gene pool, family. We will laugh, tell stories about each other and to each other, and for good measure eat some family food favorites. I think we have elected an Italian food theme and I intend to make one or two of my famous cheesecakes. I hate to toot my own horn ( is that the definition of blog?) but I used to have a cheesecake making business. I have probably just outed myself and will have to come out of retirement, when those who live here find out about this, but I can make a good cheesecake.
In Maine I will see the sights that my eyes never grow tired of. I spent the first part of my life in Central Maine, outside of Augusta, in China, Maine. I joke now, that this is probably where I developed my taste for Asian men. You do know that I am married to a Vietnamese man who makes me very happy so it all probably originated here. Anyway, I will need to see the blue of China Lake, I just have to.
I will sleep under the stars, not blotted out by city lights, in the crisp fall evenings of fabulous New England. In Surry, Maine on Patten Pond where my parents' home is, I will fall asleep to the croaking of bull frogs that sound rather like the belching of old men. I will wake each morning, among the first Americans, to greet the newly risen sun. I so look forward to sitting on the screened porch and sipping my coffee, breathing a sigh of pure contentment, while basking in the glorious feeling of being home.
Now, I have hung my hat in many places, both in and out of this great country but there is only one place that I call home. I bet you have a place like that also. Have you been there recently? For those of you fortunate enough to live in the very place where your soul wears pajamas, I can only imagine how incredibly lucky you must feel. Sigh. It must be nice.
 |
| (A Double Rainbow over Patten Pond, graciously supplied by our beloved Turners) |
Home for me is Maine. Tonight as I was fussing at my husband (hey, it happens) I declared that I was leaving in two weeks. He looks at his watch and informs me I am leaving in one week. Gulp. I am both panic stricken with all I have to do before I leave and energized with the excitement of it.
Have you ever smelled the crisp ocean air? You probably have, but every cell in your body doesn't breathe an audible sigh of relief, I'll bet, like mine does. I've often said that the only down side to Colorado is that it lacks the ocean (although we do have a marina-if you don't believe me..look it up).
We will do what all folks do upon entering the holy ground of one's birth, we will eat all of our favorite foods until our bellies cry out for mercy. Despite the recommendations against it, we will eat lobster. I will have to have tender Maine shrimp, my personal favorite. If you think you have eaten shrimp, but have never tasted this delicacy you have not lived, my friend. That, I am sorry to say, is a statement made from the painstaking education hard won over years of tedious research and is not, in any way conjecture.
I will spend time with family. Not the ones that have been grafted in but the actual, looking like me, same gene pool, family. We will laugh, tell stories about each other and to each other, and for good measure eat some family food favorites. I think we have elected an Italian food theme and I intend to make one or two of my famous cheesecakes. I hate to toot my own horn ( is that the definition of blog?) but I used to have a cheesecake making business. I have probably just outed myself and will have to come out of retirement, when those who live here find out about this, but I can make a good cheesecake.
In Maine I will see the sights that my eyes never grow tired of. I spent the first part of my life in Central Maine, outside of Augusta, in China, Maine. I joke now, that this is probably where I developed my taste for Asian men. You do know that I am married to a Vietnamese man who makes me very happy so it all probably originated here. Anyway, I will need to see the blue of China Lake, I just have to.
I will sleep under the stars, not blotted out by city lights, in the crisp fall evenings of fabulous New England. In Surry, Maine on Patten Pond where my parents' home is, I will fall asleep to the croaking of bull frogs that sound rather like the belching of old men. I will wake each morning, among the first Americans, to greet the newly risen sun. I so look forward to sitting on the screened porch and sipping my coffee, breathing a sigh of pure contentment, while basking in the glorious feeling of being home.
Now, I have hung my hat in many places, both in and out of this great country but there is only one place that I call home. I bet you have a place like that also. Have you been there recently? For those of you fortunate enough to live in the very place where your soul wears pajamas, I can only imagine how incredibly lucky you must feel. Sigh. It must be nice.
Watching the Moon
Telephone rings
Becky: Hello
Voice: Mrs Comeau, this is Joyce, the secretary at Emmanual Christian School. I’ve been asked to call you and set up a conference with you and your husband. We have a problem that we need to discuss regarding Susan.
Becky: what’s going on?
Joyce: Well, it’s been reported that on the cheerleaders’ van on the way back from the basketball game last night, Susan was observed MOONING the other bus out the back window.
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Well, we got the distinct impression that the Christian school did not condone mooning incidents, but they did condone a week of in-house detention in the hopes of correcting this character flaw. It was a pretty deep-seated character flaw however. As a two year old, Susan literally stopped traffic on High Street in Fairfield Maine when she and her little neighbor friend proudly rode their tricycles down the middle of the street, stark naked. If that song is correct that tequila makes your clothes fall off, I think Susan needs to avoid those margaritas she occasionally indulges in. She could be in big trouble….especially if she’s out in the public.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Short Remodeling Update
Today the Horizontal Bamboo Flooring in Natural Finish (lumberliquidators.com) was received and brought safely home.
I was able to sell the couch and have sold the TV stand. I also got an offer and promise to buy on the computer desk in the living room. Huy ordered the TV wall mount but we have yet to receive that in the mail.
I have promised the bookcase to Dad, therefore, I have nearly emptied all of the furniture out of the living room. Huy and I have picked out couches that we like to replace the furniture with upon completion of the hardwood floors. If you care to see them you may go to afwonline.com and go to fabric sofas. We like the Charlize Converta couch and love seat.
I have also picked out paint colors and a nice carpet from Lowe's.
I do not know if anyone is interested in these boring details but if you are here is the update.
Susan
I was able to sell the couch and have sold the TV stand. I also got an offer and promise to buy on the computer desk in the living room. Huy ordered the TV wall mount but we have yet to receive that in the mail.
I have promised the bookcase to Dad, therefore, I have nearly emptied all of the furniture out of the living room. Huy and I have picked out couches that we like to replace the furniture with upon completion of the hardwood floors. If you care to see them you may go to afwonline.com and go to fabric sofas. We like the Charlize Converta couch and love seat.
I have also picked out paint colors and a nice carpet from Lowe's.
I do not know if anyone is interested in these boring details but if you are here is the update.
Susan
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Living Versus Existing
When you find yourself lying on your back, energy depleted, and unsure how many days you have left: it hits you. Am I living my life or am I existing? Things that seemed so important in the past seem like a ghastly waste of my energy now. Long gone are the weeks when I pull 50-60 hours of work and grab a bite to eat on the run from a fast food joint.
Now, I find that I am contemplating the wisdom of French women who eat only high quality food, dine in a leisurely and luxurious pace and fill the accompanying seats with cherished loved ones. My days are growing shorter as I find myself in bed earlier and earlier. My desire to spend time on activities that are not meaningful seems less and less appealing.
Why eat waxy, cheap Easter chocolate when you could be eating Godiva or Ghiradelli? It seems silly doesn't it? This is a metaphor ...do not send me chocolate! I am taking a look at my time usage and seeing how it fits in the living versus existing measurement tool.
I have an urge to hug and hold those that I love. I want to be silly and giggle with my baby. I want to drench my eyes in the gorgeous, natural canvas that God has created. While we are crying out to God for a miracle I want to ensure that my days are spent in pursuit of a life well lived. I want to live a life to tell stories about in my old age. I plan for some of those nursing-home stories to be provocative and jaw dropping.
I want to cause a ruckus and inflict belly laughs on those listening. I want to inspire and bring folks to tears. I believe my best story, though, will be about how I looked cancer in the face and beat the odds. I want talk about how the referee started the countdown and I was not finished yet.
Until then folks, I am planning to live life full bore and rack up the stories. I want the legacy of my life to be far from the existing spectrum. Most of all though, I want all of you to be able to say the same about your lives.
Susan
Now, I find that I am contemplating the wisdom of French women who eat only high quality food, dine in a leisurely and luxurious pace and fill the accompanying seats with cherished loved ones. My days are growing shorter as I find myself in bed earlier and earlier. My desire to spend time on activities that are not meaningful seems less and less appealing.
Why eat waxy, cheap Easter chocolate when you could be eating Godiva or Ghiradelli? It seems silly doesn't it? This is a metaphor ...do not send me chocolate! I am taking a look at my time usage and seeing how it fits in the living versus existing measurement tool.
I have an urge to hug and hold those that I love. I want to be silly and giggle with my baby. I want to drench my eyes in the gorgeous, natural canvas that God has created. While we are crying out to God for a miracle I want to ensure that my days are spent in pursuit of a life well lived. I want to live a life to tell stories about in my old age. I plan for some of those nursing-home stories to be provocative and jaw dropping.
I want to cause a ruckus and inflict belly laughs on those listening. I want to inspire and bring folks to tears. I believe my best story, though, will be about how I looked cancer in the face and beat the odds. I want talk about how the referee started the countdown and I was not finished yet.
Until then folks, I am planning to live life full bore and rack up the stories. I want the legacy of my life to be far from the existing spectrum. Most of all though, I want all of you to be able to say the same about your lives.
Susan
Monday, September 6, 2010
It's Hard to Keep a Good Woman Down
It has been an honor and is actually very humbling to see the response this blog is getting by friends old and new, near and far. (who came up with the word 'blog' and what on earth does it mean?). Some of you have had the opportunity to get to know Susan first-hand, and others are meeting her for the first time. From your comments and emails, her father and I can see that you appreciate her for the unique and lovely person she is. She is now, always has been, and always will be, an upbeat optimist who attacks life with enthusiasm and good humor. Would you like a 
first hand account of one example?
first hand account of one example?In November 2008, our family embarked on a Carnival Cruise together from the Port of Tampa. Everyone flew to our home in Florida and we enjoyed a few days of swimming, biking, and recreational cooking together before our 5 day cruise. It was the usual western Caribbean itinerary of Grand Cayman, Cozumel and so on. We also planned to take a day trip to the Mayan Ruins in Cozumel as that was one of Tracey's goals in life and a big interest of hers.
Now, keep in mind that at this point, Susan was about 4-5 months pregnant with our precious little grandson (and monster) Tan. So on the day of the Mayan ruin trip, we enjoyed the usual enormous breakfast and left the cruise ship for the excursion. We were subsequently loaded onto a small vessel with seating for about 100 people, and we set off across the bay. The boat seemed to go about 100 miles an hour, wildly crashing through the choppy waves, careening toward our destination. We held on for dear life, salt spray splashing up at us, people juggling drinks and food as they tried to move around the boat and stay on their feet. It was a wild ride and lasted about an hour. 55 minutes into it, with the pier in sight, I realized Susan had turned an interesting shade of green, and had that familiar look on her face that I knew so well. Her eyes sort of bug out and her mouth twists sideways in a cute little grimace. It was all over. By that I mean, it was all over the boat, all over the deck, all over Susan. Tracey took one look at her and made her own beeline up and over the back of the bench in a furious scramble to miss being hit. So there we were, somewhere in Mexico, and Susan was just covered in vomit - totally and completely.
We all got off the boat and keep in mind that we had to keep up with the rest of the tour, but somehow she managed to find a bathroom and stripped off. Have you ever been in a bathroom in a tourist town in Mexico? If your answer is no, then I recommend that you cross this off your bucket list and forget it. Anyway, speaking spanish she quickly bought a tee-shirt to replace the soggy and smelly one that was soaking in the filthy sink, and put her Capri's back on after being rinsed out in that same sink. They were soaking, dripping wet. We then piled into a bus for a 90 minute ride to the ruins. Have you ever been in a tour bus all day in Mexico with someone who has just tossed their cookies? Same recommendation as above, forget it.
Needless to say, we got the distinct impression that people were avoiding us all day. Can't imagine why. Here's the point. Through it all, Susan never once complained, fussed, or otherwise had a spoiled day. Quite the opposite, she and we had a great time exploring and spending time in Mexico. There is no such thing as a bad day for her, and she scored a souvenir tee-shirt that she still has. Susan's good humor and ability to laugh at herself when things go wrong is a remarkable life lesson for each of us.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
If You Are Scared For Me & Want To Do Something
I talked to one of my best friends today. I haven't talked to her in awhile and when she found out how I was doing (my tumor markers hitting 949) she began to cry. We have a great relationship her and I and we tell each other the truth. She admitted that she was scared for me. Me telling her that I wasn't scared didn't help. I had to threaten her with... if she didn't stop crying then I would start crying and then we would be in a fine mess.
Jill is my reality check friend and we talk at a gut honest level. She wants to help and like so many of you have expressed she doesn't know what to do. She knows that it is a lot for me to work, be a mother, and take care of my health so she hasn't wanted to take up some of my time by squirming her way in. (see Jill at http://www.passionandpower.net/)
Jill asked about my pain. Having worked in hospice she knows that bone pain is a deep pain that is not touched easily by the strong medications I have been given. She wondered out loud if I take them and how I am managing. The truth is I am in pain but not all the time. I am not even in pain every day. When I get really tired my spine aches. Today, one of my toes hurt bad for about five minutes. Honestly, I am not suffering with very much pain. Jill and I made plans for me to drink more margaritas. She suggested wine but I have never developed a taste for it. She asked me what happens when I drink wine and my response was, "I make funny faces." Frozen margaritas are a nice treat and I made a shopping list for myself in my head of the ingredients I am missing.
She said that she wonders how she would feel if she were me and the thought is so scary and depressing that she can't go there. She doesn't think that she could go to work in pain. I told her she sure would. I work as a counselor and yes, sometimes as I sit in my chair I am in some pain. I love what I do. It is an honor to make a difference in people's lives and it is how I serve. If I am in pain, I would be in pain at home or I could go and try to make a difference. Honestly folks, you would all make the same choice. I am sure of it.
We talked about the blog and how much I am enjoying it. I winced a little at this as her and I started a blog and I found myself too busy to help out. Jill is so sweet to me and suggested that I have a lot to say on this one. She promised to read it. I promised in my head to be a better person.
Jill asked about how I was staying happy these days and I told her that I am planning a big remodel project, I am planning trips to take with my family, and (I didn't tell her this) I am dreaming of the baby girl that I will one day hold in my arms named Mai.
I am blessed to have so many friends, a dynamic family and now so many readers of this blog. I know that you are scared for me and want to do something so I will make you a list. If you want to help here are some ideas for you.
1. Pray for me and ask others to pray for me.
2. Read my blog, post comments on it and share my blog with as many people as you can.
3. Buy me Coach purses...actually just kidding on that one. I am just making sure that you are paying attention. (Please don't, I have a very small house and I really was kidding.)
4. Reconnect with people that you love and love on them.
5. Pay it forward with random acts of kindness and then email me at suzi890801@msn.com to tell me what you did. The more creative the better. If you really wow me than I will send you a present. No, it will not be a Coach from my collection. Geez what a bunch of blood-sucking weasels!
6. Send me remodel ideas for making the most of out small spaces.
7. Tell me about fabulous trips that you have taken and make a case for why I should include that on my list.
I want you all to know that yes I do get scared but I choose not to stay scared. No, I do not get angry. I know that some of you feel angry for me but I wish that you wouldn't. Ok, point of clarification. I get angry a lot. If you know me then you have seen me angry. I do not feel any anger concerning the fact that I have cancer.
If any of you have questions please email me and ask them. You can ask me gross medical questions, psychological ..are you in denial questions, any type of questions are welcome. If you have suggestions on more items to add to my list feel free to let me know. I will post an addendum.
Also if you notice I have forgotten punctuation and you can get to me before my mother does there will be an additional prize. Be hasty! I tend to drive her crazy.
I love you all. I love you for caring. You don't have to do anything big. You don't even have to do it for me. Do it for someone you find in need and then you can share that with me if you like. It will feel like an extension of my own arms and it will put a smile on my face.
Susan
Jill is my reality check friend and we talk at a gut honest level. She wants to help and like so many of you have expressed she doesn't know what to do. She knows that it is a lot for me to work, be a mother, and take care of my health so she hasn't wanted to take up some of my time by squirming her way in. (see Jill at http://www.passionandpower.net/)
Jill asked about my pain. Having worked in hospice she knows that bone pain is a deep pain that is not touched easily by the strong medications I have been given. She wondered out loud if I take them and how I am managing. The truth is I am in pain but not all the time. I am not even in pain every day. When I get really tired my spine aches. Today, one of my toes hurt bad for about five minutes. Honestly, I am not suffering with very much pain. Jill and I made plans for me to drink more margaritas. She suggested wine but I have never developed a taste for it. She asked me what happens when I drink wine and my response was, "I make funny faces." Frozen margaritas are a nice treat and I made a shopping list for myself in my head of the ingredients I am missing.
She said that she wonders how she would feel if she were me and the thought is so scary and depressing that she can't go there. She doesn't think that she could go to work in pain. I told her she sure would. I work as a counselor and yes, sometimes as I sit in my chair I am in some pain. I love what I do. It is an honor to make a difference in people's lives and it is how I serve. If I am in pain, I would be in pain at home or I could go and try to make a difference. Honestly folks, you would all make the same choice. I am sure of it.
We talked about the blog and how much I am enjoying it. I winced a little at this as her and I started a blog and I found myself too busy to help out. Jill is so sweet to me and suggested that I have a lot to say on this one. She promised to read it. I promised in my head to be a better person.
Jill asked about how I was staying happy these days and I told her that I am planning a big remodel project, I am planning trips to take with my family, and (I didn't tell her this) I am dreaming of the baby girl that I will one day hold in my arms named Mai.
I am blessed to have so many friends, a dynamic family and now so many readers of this blog. I know that you are scared for me and want to do something so I will make you a list. If you want to help here are some ideas for you.
1. Pray for me and ask others to pray for me.
2. Read my blog, post comments on it and share my blog with as many people as you can.
3. Buy me Coach purses...actually just kidding on that one. I am just making sure that you are paying attention. (Please don't, I have a very small house and I really was kidding.)
4. Reconnect with people that you love and love on them.
5. Pay it forward with random acts of kindness and then email me at suzi890801@msn.com to tell me what you did. The more creative the better. If you really wow me than I will send you a present. No, it will not be a Coach from my collection. Geez what a bunch of blood-sucking weasels!
6. Send me remodel ideas for making the most of out small spaces.
7. Tell me about fabulous trips that you have taken and make a case for why I should include that on my list.
I want you all to know that yes I do get scared but I choose not to stay scared. No, I do not get angry. I know that some of you feel angry for me but I wish that you wouldn't. Ok, point of clarification. I get angry a lot. If you know me then you have seen me angry. I do not feel any anger concerning the fact that I have cancer.
If any of you have questions please email me and ask them. You can ask me gross medical questions, psychological ..are you in denial questions, any type of questions are welcome. If you have suggestions on more items to add to my list feel free to let me know. I will post an addendum.
Also if you notice I have forgotten punctuation and you can get to me before my mother does there will be an additional prize. Be hasty! I tend to drive her crazy.
I love you all. I love you for caring. You don't have to do anything big. You don't even have to do it for me. Do it for someone you find in need and then you can share that with me if you like. It will feel like an extension of my own arms and it will put a smile on my face.
Susan
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Why Did I Get Cancer?
Tonight I got the news that my tumor markers are at 949 up from 658 on 8-26. I have been asked repeatedly why I got cancer. You see, some people believe that disease manifests from unresolved emotional conflict. Perhaps there is someone I am refusing to forgive and that is why I have cancer. Others have mentioned that since it is breast cancer it is an issue with my femininity, or I have experienced a lack of nurturing in my life, and others suggest mother issues.
As a mental health EMDR therapist I have seen physical symptoms clear when you address the trauma, so I so I am willing to concede that some of this might have merit. There has also been a whisper that maybe there is something God needs to teach me through this and develop my spiritual life. Is my job to be Job?
It is funny to hear all the theories and to hear what they say about cancer. One friend said, "you are so nice and you have never hurt people so how did you get cancer." "Only mean people should get cancer." While others see cancer as an enemy, and so they make war with cancer. The proclaim how they "hate" cancer and they march against it.
There are those still that look for the answers in nutrition and point to an unhealthy diet as the cause. Certainly there must be some merit in this as cancer and other illness' have risen. They seek control and safety through the careful management of diet and personal habits.
I ask my clients this question "what do you believe happens when you die?" The answer is, you get to go to heaven and commune with the Creator. The best part of heaven, besides the Father, is that there is no sickness, no sadness and no negativity. It is an occupational hazard to occupy time and live here on earth. Simply being on earth and not in heaven means that we are at risk. We were not promised a life of ease and free of strife here on the beautiful planet we call home.
Did I eat too unhealthy of a diet? Am I holding a grudge, and was there wounding somewhere in my life from someone? Oh maybe. I have not the time nor the desire to probe very far into all that. I don't think that the purpose of my life is to learn how to overcome eating donuts.
The bottom line is this....Salvation is not obtained through works. You cannot be good enough, self-controlling enough, or self introspective enough to be safe on a planet where we all are going to die. You cannot hold back the tide and you cannot avoid all harm. We don't live on a planet where if you are good you get only good, and if you are bad, only evil, and negative comes your way. Did I deserve cancer? If I behave good enough will I be spared? It doesn't work that way.
In earthly life we have very little control. I suggest that we focus on what we can do. We can control our attitude. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to do the best job that we can with whatever life throws at us. We can live our life in love, rather than in hate, at war, or fighting against and with our eyes solidly on the prize. We can hold our heads up and keep going.
Salvation is obtained by confessing our sins to God. We need to pray and ask Jesus to come into our hearts and to teach us how to be in relationship with him. We need to accept the gift he gave us when he died for our sins and we need to remember the miracle of how he defeated death. He is preparing a wonderful place for us to all be together in once we vacate this life and these bodies.
When you stop and think about all that has happened and all that will happen, is there really any reason to waste time and energy on the hows and whys? I certainly don't feel the need to be angry or sad for long when I think about all that I have now, and all that I have to look forward to.
Why did I get cancer? Shucks, I don't know. But I know this, I plan to squeeze as much life, love and opportunity out of this life, and then the one on the other side. Who is with me?
As a mental health EMDR therapist I have seen physical symptoms clear when you address the trauma, so I so I am willing to concede that some of this might have merit. There has also been a whisper that maybe there is something God needs to teach me through this and develop my spiritual life. Is my job to be Job?
It is funny to hear all the theories and to hear what they say about cancer. One friend said, "you are so nice and you have never hurt people so how did you get cancer." "Only mean people should get cancer." While others see cancer as an enemy, and so they make war with cancer. The proclaim how they "hate" cancer and they march against it.
There are those still that look for the answers in nutrition and point to an unhealthy diet as the cause. Certainly there must be some merit in this as cancer and other illness' have risen. They seek control and safety through the careful management of diet and personal habits.
I ask my clients this question "what do you believe happens when you die?" The answer is, you get to go to heaven and commune with the Creator. The best part of heaven, besides the Father, is that there is no sickness, no sadness and no negativity. It is an occupational hazard to occupy time and live here on earth. Simply being on earth and not in heaven means that we are at risk. We were not promised a life of ease and free of strife here on the beautiful planet we call home.
Did I eat too unhealthy of a diet? Am I holding a grudge, and was there wounding somewhere in my life from someone? Oh maybe. I have not the time nor the desire to probe very far into all that. I don't think that the purpose of my life is to learn how to overcome eating donuts.
The bottom line is this....Salvation is not obtained through works. You cannot be good enough, self-controlling enough, or self introspective enough to be safe on a planet where we all are going to die. You cannot hold back the tide and you cannot avoid all harm. We don't live on a planet where if you are good you get only good, and if you are bad, only evil, and negative comes your way. Did I deserve cancer? If I behave good enough will I be spared? It doesn't work that way.
In earthly life we have very little control. I suggest that we focus on what we can do. We can control our attitude. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to do the best job that we can with whatever life throws at us. We can live our life in love, rather than in hate, at war, or fighting against and with our eyes solidly on the prize. We can hold our heads up and keep going.
Salvation is obtained by confessing our sins to God. We need to pray and ask Jesus to come into our hearts and to teach us how to be in relationship with him. We need to accept the gift he gave us when he died for our sins and we need to remember the miracle of how he defeated death. He is preparing a wonderful place for us to all be together in once we vacate this life and these bodies.
When you stop and think about all that has happened and all that will happen, is there really any reason to waste time and energy on the hows and whys? I certainly don't feel the need to be angry or sad for long when I think about all that I have now, and all that I have to look forward to.
Why did I get cancer? Shucks, I don't know. But I know this, I plan to squeeze as much life, love and opportunity out of this life, and then the one on the other side. Who is with me?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Psalm 30 Thanksgiving for Deliverance From Death
Psalm 30:1-5
I will extol Thee, O Lord, for Thou hast lifted me up, and hast not let my enemies rejoice over me.
O Lord my God, I cried out to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me.
O Lord, Thou hast brought up my soul from Sheol: Thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.
I just wanted to share these verses for those of you who are praying. God's word is filled with promises that he does not want his children to be afflicted, to be sick or to die in sickness. God is a good father who wants His children to be well.
That not only is a promise for me but for you. It is not meant for only serious illness' but for every illness and includes even afflictions of the heart. If you are feeling sad, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed or are suffering with a serious illness remember Psalm 30.
I hope your day is filled with pleasant surprises, smiles and blessings.
Susan
I will extol Thee, O Lord, for Thou hast lifted me up, and hast not let my enemies rejoice over me.
O Lord my God, I cried out to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me.
O Lord, Thou hast brought up my soul from Sheol: Thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.
I just wanted to share these verses for those of you who are praying. God's word is filled with promises that he does not want his children to be afflicted, to be sick or to die in sickness. God is a good father who wants His children to be well.
That not only is a promise for me but for you. It is not meant for only serious illness' but for every illness and includes even afflictions of the heart. If you are feeling sad, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed or are suffering with a serious illness remember Psalm 30.
I hope your day is filled with pleasant surprises, smiles and blessings.
Susan
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Coach Purse Addiction
Mom,
Thanks for outing me on the blog regarding my newly developed taste for fine purses made by Coach.
I had a client, whom we will refer to as Client X, felt that she was taking advantage of my time and energy and wished that she could find some way to repay me. I told her to "get over it" as I was happy with the amount I was being paid for sessions (part of the problem was that we were doing multiple sessions weekly and I can only charge her insurance 1 time per week so I was charging her the normal "co-pay" for the additional sessions). Since she could not get past it I suggested she tip me from time to time to ease her conscious or try to "get over it."
One day I received an email from her asking if the "tip" could be in the form of a Coach purse. At the time I thought that this was utterly ridiculous and was quite happy with my purse that Huy bought me in Vietnam when he was courting me. I continued to think it over and asked her if she really needed to feel better and stated several times that it was unnecessary. She stated that she planned to get rid of it anyway and it would do her a big favor. So I relented. Huge mistake. Hold on while I check my email and find out when this was exactly.
OK folks, it is worse than I thought as this occurred in the beginning of June. It is now September and I am sad to say that multiple Coach purses, wallets, briefcase and business tote later, it is pretty solidly set in. Shortly after she gave me the purse, I looked on Coach.com and saw how much they are. Then I went to Florida and Mom presented me with the brown beauty (that I so deftly slipped in my suitcase). All of this I was able to take in stride until Courtney ( Coach purse aficionado) recognized them as Coach and fussed over them and the rest they say is history.
I try to tell myself that it all stems out of my need to focus on something positive but the sheer totality of this addiction is staggering. Jimmy has found me some real major bargains in her weekend travels and I have scored some beauties in my Craigslist career. It is hopeless. Even now as I write I am itching to check Craigslist for Coach purses. I shake my head at myself.
They say that confession is good for the soul and perhaps confession to this blog audience and having people ask me if I have bought any lately will help me to stop. I sincerely doubt it and secretly hope it doesn't, but we will see. I put it to you like this....Is there anything wrong with having fabulous purses? Is there anything wrong with a little self-indulgence? Ok, as a therapist I know that too much self-indulgence is not good but I am grasping at straws here. I Love Coach. There, I said it. Call me a blood sucking weasel but I stand behind my decision to accept the gift from my mother and the right to delight in fabulous purses. I am a girl!!!
Susan
Thanks for outing me on the blog regarding my newly developed taste for fine purses made by Coach.
I had a client, whom we will refer to as Client X, felt that she was taking advantage of my time and energy and wished that she could find some way to repay me. I told her to "get over it" as I was happy with the amount I was being paid for sessions (part of the problem was that we were doing multiple sessions weekly and I can only charge her insurance 1 time per week so I was charging her the normal "co-pay" for the additional sessions). Since she could not get past it I suggested she tip me from time to time to ease her conscious or try to "get over it."
One day I received an email from her asking if the "tip" could be in the form of a Coach purse. At the time I thought that this was utterly ridiculous and was quite happy with my purse that Huy bought me in Vietnam when he was courting me. I continued to think it over and asked her if she really needed to feel better and stated several times that it was unnecessary. She stated that she planned to get rid of it anyway and it would do her a big favor. So I relented. Huge mistake. Hold on while I check my email and find out when this was exactly.
OK folks, it is worse than I thought as this occurred in the beginning of June. It is now September and I am sad to say that multiple Coach purses, wallets, briefcase and business tote later, it is pretty solidly set in. Shortly after she gave me the purse, I looked on Coach.com and saw how much they are. Then I went to Florida and Mom presented me with the brown beauty (that I so deftly slipped in my suitcase). All of this I was able to take in stride until Courtney ( Coach purse aficionado) recognized them as Coach and fussed over them and the rest they say is history.
I try to tell myself that it all stems out of my need to focus on something positive but the sheer totality of this addiction is staggering. Jimmy has found me some real major bargains in her weekend travels and I have scored some beauties in my Craigslist career. It is hopeless. Even now as I write I am itching to check Craigslist for Coach purses. I shake my head at myself.
They say that confession is good for the soul and perhaps confession to this blog audience and having people ask me if I have bought any lately will help me to stop. I sincerely doubt it and secretly hope it doesn't, but we will see. I put it to you like this....Is there anything wrong with having fabulous purses? Is there anything wrong with a little self-indulgence? Ok, as a therapist I know that too much self-indulgence is not good but I am grasping at straws here. I Love Coach. There, I said it. Call me a blood sucking weasel but I stand behind my decision to accept the gift from my mother and the right to delight in fabulous purses. I am a girl!!!
Susan
An Email Message From a Beloved Friend
(either you guys will post them or I will!!!)
Subject: Your Journey
Just want you to know how inspirational your blog is. I put it on my facebook and a lot of people are following her story. Susan handles all of this with such grace and dignity. She has an inner peace and joy that is absolutely amazing. My words for heal are:
Help
Extend
A
Life
That is what healing does. Susan has done so much good and is capable of helping so many more people, I can't help but think that God, in all his mercy, will send us a miracle. Please keep writing!
Jimmy
You said it Jimmy. She is one remarkable woman and I am so proud to call her daughter and best friend. (and "blood-sucking weasel" which is what she calls herself when she finds herself the receipent of fine gifts and treasures (like my Coach purse). She tries to pretend "it is too much" all the while it is deftly slipped into her suitcase. Oh, she has us figured out and plays her hand very well indeed). Now why can't she figure out that weasels don't suck blood?
Subject: Your Journey
Just want you to know how inspirational your blog is. I put it on my facebook and a lot of people are following her story. Susan handles all of this with such grace and dignity. She has an inner peace and joy that is absolutely amazing. My words for heal are:
Help
Extend
A
Life
That is what healing does. Susan has done so much good and is capable of helping so many more people, I can't help but think that God, in all his mercy, will send us a miracle. Please keep writing!
Jimmy
You said it Jimmy. She is one remarkable woman and I am so proud to call her daughter and best friend. (and "blood-sucking weasel" which is what she calls herself when she finds herself the receipent of fine gifts and treasures (like my Coach purse). She tries to pretend "it is too much" all the while it is deftly slipped into her suitcase. Oh, she has us figured out and plays her hand very well indeed). Now why can't she figure out that weasels don't suck blood?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Laughter is the best medicine
I posted on Facebook Monday that I had dinner with my long time friend Michelle Smith and we just laughed and laughed. Gosh it felt so good to tell stories to each other and laugh and make jokes. She has to be the funniest person I know. We had dinner together at Chipotle and it was a blast.
I have mentioned before and it bears repeating that anytime I can feel like myself and forget all the nonsense it refreshes my sense of self and re-invigorates me for the battle. It is tried and true advice that when life is kicking our pants we need to reach out and connect. Even Michelle can testify to how many times I have lectured her that when she feels down that she needs to reach out to me or other loved ones.
Well folks I have to tell you that I am a person that God has blessed immensely. There are many, many wonderful people in my life like Michelle Smith. There are so many of you pulling for me, praying for me, fasting for me, and reaching out to me. I can feel your hugs and squeezes even the ones from afar. I feel like a surfer buoyed up by the staggering amount of support that I am receiving. It means so much to me.
I want each of you to think about the people in your life that mean a lot to you. Is there anyone whom you haven't spoken to in awhile? Have you been too busy to have lunch with the girlfriends? Is life kicking your pants? Do you want Michelle's phone number? Just kidding. Call your Michelle and invite her to lunch. As you laugh and laugh and become reminded of the best part of yourself you will thank me. You will thank me but the person who truly deserves the thanking is yourself because stopping and taking time with loved ones is what it is all about. Ok gosh I am getting sappy but I am having a George Bailey...It's a Wonderful Life moment and I am feeling astounded and blessed that I am so loved.
And FYI I checked the statistics tonight on the blog and it has been viewed.....drum roll please....508 times. Wow. Zowie. Hey how come some of you haven't joined or commented? Unless of course the ten people who are following the blog have read it 50 times over each.
I have mentioned before and it bears repeating that anytime I can feel like myself and forget all the nonsense it refreshes my sense of self and re-invigorates me for the battle. It is tried and true advice that when life is kicking our pants we need to reach out and connect. Even Michelle can testify to how many times I have lectured her that when she feels down that she needs to reach out to me or other loved ones.
Well folks I have to tell you that I am a person that God has blessed immensely. There are many, many wonderful people in my life like Michelle Smith. There are so many of you pulling for me, praying for me, fasting for me, and reaching out to me. I can feel your hugs and squeezes even the ones from afar. I feel like a surfer buoyed up by the staggering amount of support that I am receiving. It means so much to me.
I want each of you to think about the people in your life that mean a lot to you. Is there anyone whom you haven't spoken to in awhile? Have you been too busy to have lunch with the girlfriends? Is life kicking your pants? Do you want Michelle's phone number? Just kidding. Call your Michelle and invite her to lunch. As you laugh and laugh and become reminded of the best part of yourself you will thank me. You will thank me but the person who truly deserves the thanking is yourself because stopping and taking time with loved ones is what it is all about. Ok gosh I am getting sappy but I am having a George Bailey...It's a Wonderful Life moment and I am feeling astounded and blessed that I am so loved.
And FYI I checked the statistics tonight on the blog and it has been viewed.....drum roll please....508 times. Wow. Zowie. Hey how come some of you haven't joined or commented? Unless of course the ten people who are following the blog have read it 50 times over each.
In Search of that Illusive Peace
Well, Susan has mentioned that Paul and I have been almost frightened out of our minds by this disease and the threat it brings to Susan and our whole family. Fear does terrible things as you know and as I have learned first hand. The worst thing is that is drives out peace. No more blissful nights sleeping, you now wake up in the middle of the night and then lay there with your mind if full gear, imagining the worst. Fear is like a giant invisible black cloud that follows you everywhere and negatively colors every moment of every day. Yesterday, Susan journaled some of her methods for taking back control when fear starts to well up. I have some methods of my own that I will add tonight. Unfortunately, time is up and I am heading to work. Have a great day everyone and thank you for your prayers for our family. God is working in a powerful way and I am excited to be able to share that.
OK, back at it. One weekend a few months ago, after another particularly bad piece of Susan news, I sort of curled up in the fetal position on the couch and just hibernated. I was a low as a snake's belly and just couldn't force myself to do anything except feel exceedingly sorry for myself. I didn't walk, I didn't swim, I didn't do anything that could even vaguely construed as fun. Sunday evening I asked Susan what she had done. She had gone swimming with a friend, had gone out to eat, had watched a few favorite movies. I thought to myself, "self, learn from this." So I have tried (operative word- tried) to live in a more positive way, believing that if I put the right efforts in, the right feelings will follow. This has been mostly successful, and doing active things, (swimming, walking, zumba, spending time with friends, convincing Andrea to go out to lunch occasionally) has helped. So have my prescription 'happy pills' that I finally decided to go onto when I found I couldn't concentrate and was altogether too weepy for my own comfort. I have found some other methods of keeping busy and positive. I try to keep the television off most of the time. The news and talk shows are just too darn depressing. If I need noise, I put on my favorite music or watch a really good movie. I have reconnected with a lot of my old standby Christian favorite songs and they feel like a comfortable old friend. This past weekend, I really got into a PBS special of "South Pacific." It was just beautiful and I watched it a couple of times. I start each day with a short devotional and end it that way too. I sometimes cook for other people, I enjoy that and so do they it seems. And I TRY to keep my mind focused on God's truth. Philippians 4:8-10 is a great verse "Finally, brothers (sisters too), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ... And the God of peace will be with you". If I keep my mind pointed in the right direction and try to live in "today" and not allow myself to get caught up in the worries of tomorrow (do not be concerned with tomorrow, each day has enough troubles of its own) I do better. I have also gotten involved with a neat group of Christian ladies in a Bible study who have supported me, cried for and with me, prayed for me, and been free with hugs. And of course, every day, Susan and I, Tan and I, and Paul and I, all catch up on the phone and share laughter and the events of the day. Even though I am hundreds of miles away, I feel connected and involved with the ones I love. All for now. Becky
OK, back at it. One weekend a few months ago, after another particularly bad piece of Susan news, I sort of curled up in the fetal position on the couch and just hibernated. I was a low as a snake's belly and just couldn't force myself to do anything except feel exceedingly sorry for myself. I didn't walk, I didn't swim, I didn't do anything that could even vaguely construed as fun. Sunday evening I asked Susan what she had done. She had gone swimming with a friend, had gone out to eat, had watched a few favorite movies. I thought to myself, "self, learn from this." So I have tried (operative word- tried) to live in a more positive way, believing that if I put the right efforts in, the right feelings will follow. This has been mostly successful, and doing active things, (swimming, walking, zumba, spending time with friends, convincing Andrea to go out to lunch occasionally) has helped. So have my prescription 'happy pills' that I finally decided to go onto when I found I couldn't concentrate and was altogether too weepy for my own comfort. I have found some other methods of keeping busy and positive. I try to keep the television off most of the time. The news and talk shows are just too darn depressing. If I need noise, I put on my favorite music or watch a really good movie. I have reconnected with a lot of my old standby Christian favorite songs and they feel like a comfortable old friend. This past weekend, I really got into a PBS special of "South Pacific." It was just beautiful and I watched it a couple of times. I start each day with a short devotional and end it that way too. I sometimes cook for other people, I enjoy that and so do they it seems. And I TRY to keep my mind focused on God's truth. Philippians 4:8-10 is a great verse "Finally, brothers (sisters too), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ... And the God of peace will be with you". If I keep my mind pointed in the right direction and try to live in "today" and not allow myself to get caught up in the worries of tomorrow (do not be concerned with tomorrow, each day has enough troubles of its own) I do better. I have also gotten involved with a neat group of Christian ladies in a Bible study who have supported me, cried for and with me, prayed for me, and been free with hugs. And of course, every day, Susan and I, Tan and I, and Paul and I, all catch up on the phone and share laughter and the events of the day. Even though I am hundreds of miles away, I feel connected and involved with the ones I love. All for now. Becky
Monday, August 30, 2010
We are looking for Suggestions. Please help.
I am starting to hear from many of you regarding this blog and how much you like it. Some of you have even used the word uplifting. Wow! What a compliment.
I would love to get some suggestions on topics, questions about things you are curious about or other things for my mother and I to address.
You have to be a member to comment on the blog but you may also email me directly suzi890801@msn.com.
Thank you,
Susan
I would love to get some suggestions on topics, questions about things you are curious about or other things for my mother and I to address.
You have to be a member to comment on the blog but you may also email me directly suzi890801@msn.com.
Thank you,
Susan
How to Stay Calm in the Midst of the Storm.
Many of you know that I work as a therapist and offer counseling to those with PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, and relationship issues among other things. Often I see people coming in or those that I know who suffer from what I call busy mind syndrome. There is so much going on in life these days that our brains are filled with swirling thoughts. It is an important discipline to know how to calm this storm and be at peace. There is a portion of our brains that simply enjoy worrying. It is what they do and they do it well.
2 Timothy 1:7 says For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind.
This verse serves as an important reminder that we do not have to be afraid or live in fear regardless of the circumstances that we find ourselves in. We are called to live our lives in love, in peace and with a sound, rested mind. I have met few people who actually know how to achieve that.
I attended a training with an amazing woman named Myra Tovey who taught me the principles of heart centered living. She teaches her students how to get out their busy minds and into their heart which leads to peace. A lot of information has come out regarding the intelligence that God put in our hearts (http://www.heartmath.org/) as opposed to the intelligence he gave us in our mind. Heart Math offers biofeedback equipment that teaches you how to reach a peaceful state by focusing on your heart. Many therapists I know teach their clients how to do this using computer programs.
Learning how to do this requires practice but it does not necessarily require any fancy equipment. Here are the steps that I used to learn this. I put my hand on my heart, I take a few deep breaths, which help to quiet the mind, and then I focus on unconditional love coming to me from God. Feeling this love keeps me out of my head and puts me solidly in my heart. I can then pray or meditate on Him and stay in this place.
Doing this instantly transforms any fear, worry or stress that I may be feeling and puts me back in touch with where my heart and mind should be. It works. Try it.
2 Timothy 1:7 says For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind.
This verse serves as an important reminder that we do not have to be afraid or live in fear regardless of the circumstances that we find ourselves in. We are called to live our lives in love, in peace and with a sound, rested mind. I have met few people who actually know how to achieve that.
I attended a training with an amazing woman named Myra Tovey who taught me the principles of heart centered living. She teaches her students how to get out their busy minds and into their heart which leads to peace. A lot of information has come out regarding the intelligence that God put in our hearts (http://www.heartmath.org/) as opposed to the intelligence he gave us in our mind. Heart Math offers biofeedback equipment that teaches you how to reach a peaceful state by focusing on your heart. Many therapists I know teach their clients how to do this using computer programs.
Learning how to do this requires practice but it does not necessarily require any fancy equipment. Here are the steps that I used to learn this. I put my hand on my heart, I take a few deep breaths, which help to quiet the mind, and then I focus on unconditional love coming to me from God. Feeling this love keeps me out of my head and puts me solidly in my heart. I can then pray or meditate on Him and stay in this place.
Doing this instantly transforms any fear, worry or stress that I may be feeling and puts me back in touch with where my heart and mind should be. It works. Try it.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Emotional Support
A theme that keeps coming up as I talk to family, friends, acquaintances, and clients is that everyone seems to be at a loss of how to provide emotional support. It touches me that I am so thought of and loved that the people in my life would struggle with how to tell me. Everyone seems to feel the need to do something.
I can tell you that for those of you who are local visiting me, having lunch with me and helping me to feel like my normal self is what I crave the most. It doesn't have to be often or in some expensive place. I have received many gifts so FYI I have a lifetime supply of lotion and body wash. ;)
For those of you that are not local a short email or facebook post telling me that you are thinking of me is great. You can send me inspirational pictures or a joke or even a funny story. Sending a card is nice but cards build up and I have a small house. I feel guilty when I contemplate throwing out a card that you have spent time selecting and have purchased. Email blasts are preferred. Attaching pictures of yourself would be cool too. Then I can see your face.
Also I feel filled up with love to hear that so many of you are praying for me. I believe in the power of prayer so this is a wonderful thing to do. Well I am off to visit a friend and see her completed remodeling projects as I am planning to remodel my tiny home. Having things to plan and contemplate help me to have hope and gives me a positive things to think about. Anyone who wants to help me with pictures and suggestions I would appreciate it.
Will add more ideas later as I will be late.
I can tell you that for those of you who are local visiting me, having lunch with me and helping me to feel like my normal self is what I crave the most. It doesn't have to be often or in some expensive place. I have received many gifts so FYI I have a lifetime supply of lotion and body wash. ;)
For those of you that are not local a short email or facebook post telling me that you are thinking of me is great. You can send me inspirational pictures or a joke or even a funny story. Sending a card is nice but cards build up and I have a small house. I feel guilty when I contemplate throwing out a card that you have spent time selecting and have purchased. Email blasts are preferred. Attaching pictures of yourself would be cool too. Then I can see your face.
Also I feel filled up with love to hear that so many of you are praying for me. I believe in the power of prayer so this is a wonderful thing to do. Well I am off to visit a friend and see her completed remodeling projects as I am planning to remodel my tiny home. Having things to plan and contemplate help me to have hope and gives me a positive things to think about. Anyone who wants to help me with pictures and suggestions I would appreciate it.
Will add more ideas later as I will be late.
H-E-A-L
I was spending a little time with The Father this morning before I head off to work and I started to pray specifically for Susan that God will give her a day free from pain and filled with joy. The second part is easy because she is and always has been joyful. It is a characteristic that Tan has inherited and it delights us. Then I started to lean into God about healing and started to journal that God would indeed heal the bruised and broken places and heal them completely. I began to tear that word HEAL apart and see if I could make an acronym out of it that made any sense at all. So here is my attempt and I challenge you to ponder over it yourself as you pray that word for her. Please share your efforts. I hope your day is filled with blessings and joy too. Off to work.
H Heavenly
E Explosive
A Anointing
L Lasts
oh well, I'm new at this and terrible at scrabble too. Becky
H Heavenly
E Explosive
A Anointing
L Lasts
oh well, I'm new at this and terrible at scrabble too. Becky
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The Journey Of Countless Steps
As I lay in the hospital back in October 09 trying to come to terms with what was facing me the very first thought I had was that people beat cancer all the time and if they could I could. I had wondered how I would handle myself if I were ever faced with something so severe. Am I really as strong as others believe me to be? I searched within myself but could conclude only a resounding YES! My spirit shouted, "I have guts all day long." Not poetic I agree but it will suffice to get the job done.
This has been a distasteful journey where many of the steps were most unpleasant ones. I had to grit my teeth at the thought of having a bone marrow biopsy and then another in the same week. I would have done nearly anything to save my parents from being so frightened. It was painful to have to give up nursing my son before I was ready. I didn't enjoy surrendering myself for port placement..in case I needed chemotherapy and don't even ask about the six months of chemo.
Some of the steps felt near impossible as I faced not being able to drive for awhile. I didn't particularly care for the shopping in a wheelchair and I didn't think I would legally be able to park in a handicap parking spot for quite some time. I was not allowed to pick up my son for 3 months. Sure I held him but I couldn't run to comfort him and lift him from his crib.
I could continue here but I'm sure you have derived my point. Through all of this I kept going. Some steps I took gingerly. Some with strain and pain but other steps were easier. Some steps were assisted and other steps were cheered on. Along the way I found ways to comfort myself. I am inspired by the song The Climb sung by Miley Cyrus. I put this on You Tube and it gives me a lift.
Each day that passes my son learns new things. He is quick to smile and he loves to learn new games. Each session that concludes I am grateful that I have helped someone reach a new step in their journey. At night I lay my head down and talk to my husband. He is always good at making me laugh. I am happy to have found him and I enjoy my life with him.
Life is a fabulous adventure. Each step brings us closer to the completion of a masterpiece though we don't get to see the big picture until the end. I have met so many wonderful people that I would not otherwise have met if it were not for this segment of the journey. I want to be clear that this is not my journey. It is not my wardrobe, not my identity, not my favorite color and not my journey. This is a segment on a journey of far greater importance and I want all of you to know that I am happy and filled with peace.
Your emails, visits, calls, cards, thoughts and prayers help to sustain me as I take each step. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for donating part of your journey to pray and assist me with mine.
This has been a distasteful journey where many of the steps were most unpleasant ones. I had to grit my teeth at the thought of having a bone marrow biopsy and then another in the same week. I would have done nearly anything to save my parents from being so frightened. It was painful to have to give up nursing my son before I was ready. I didn't enjoy surrendering myself for port placement..in case I needed chemotherapy and don't even ask about the six months of chemo.
Some of the steps felt near impossible as I faced not being able to drive for awhile. I didn't particularly care for the shopping in a wheelchair and I didn't think I would legally be able to park in a handicap parking spot for quite some time. I was not allowed to pick up my son for 3 months. Sure I held him but I couldn't run to comfort him and lift him from his crib.
I could continue here but I'm sure you have derived my point. Through all of this I kept going. Some steps I took gingerly. Some with strain and pain but other steps were easier. Some steps were assisted and other steps were cheered on. Along the way I found ways to comfort myself. I am inspired by the song The Climb sung by Miley Cyrus. I put this on You Tube and it gives me a lift.
Each day that passes my son learns new things. He is quick to smile and he loves to learn new games. Each session that concludes I am grateful that I have helped someone reach a new step in their journey. At night I lay my head down and talk to my husband. He is always good at making me laugh. I am happy to have found him and I enjoy my life with him.
Life is a fabulous adventure. Each step brings us closer to the completion of a masterpiece though we don't get to see the big picture until the end. I have met so many wonderful people that I would not otherwise have met if it were not for this segment of the journey. I want to be clear that this is not my journey. It is not my wardrobe, not my identity, not my favorite color and not my journey. This is a segment on a journey of far greater importance and I want all of you to know that I am happy and filled with peace.
Your emails, visits, calls, cards, thoughts and prayers help to sustain me as I take each step. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for donating part of your journey to pray and assist me with mine.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
AMEN AND AMEN
Father God, we agree with Susan and ask you to pour your Holy Spirit power into her bones as in the day of Ezekiel and bring what is dead to life and what is damaged to healing. We pray that you focus our petitions as a laser and target the areas that need your divine healing. Father, may her body so be healed that the healthy bone takes over and overcomes the diseased. We pray protection for her in this process, strength and energy, freedom from pain, refreshing sleep, and joy for the journey. Then we can also be witnesses of what you told Ezekiel "Then you will know that I AM LORD" (v6c) when you have accomplished your work. We praise you in the powerful name of Jesus.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Ezekiel 37:1-14
I would certainly hate to engage in some one-upping with Bible verses but these verses speak to me regarding my situation. Cancer cells are cells that mutate and begin to run their own agenda. It has always seemed wrong to me to visualize the cancer being attacked or cursing the cancer cells or even to regard them with hate. I work instead on visualizing God breathing life into me and / or filling me with His healing love.
In this chapter God asks Ezekiel if the bones can live and Ezekiel replies, "O Lord God Thou knowest." He is instructed to phrophesy over the bones. In verse 5 it says "Thus says the Lord God to these bones, 'Behold, I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life."
Many people are praying for me and we are believing in and asking for a miracle. I would ask that you pray these verses over me and ask God to breathe new life into my bones so that I may stand strong and once again be fit for battle.
Susan
In this chapter God asks Ezekiel if the bones can live and Ezekiel replies, "O Lord God Thou knowest." He is instructed to phrophesy over the bones. In verse 5 it says "Thus says the Lord God to these bones, 'Behold, I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life."
Many people are praying for me and we are believing in and asking for a miracle. I would ask that you pray these verses over me and ask God to breathe new life into my bones so that I may stand strong and once again be fit for battle.
Susan
I've been thinking about the Shumammite Woman (2 Kings 4)
She should be called the Shunammite Mother because her story is all wrapped up in her son. Her son was a miracle along the lines of Sarah and Abraham's. A gift late in life when she had given up and now her son was dead. She has a curious response that I've been thinking about. First of all, she hides him away in Elisha's room (a little rooftop space she had created for him so he could rest there). Then she asks (informs) her husband that she needs to pop over to Mount Carmel (15 miles) to pay a visit to the prophet. Evidently, she has told no one including her husband that the boy is dead. And, when her husband asks why she needs to make this sudden trip, she responds "shalom" - translated "all is well". She gives this same reply to Elisha's servant when she is asked "how are you, how is your husband, how is your child?". SHALOM. ALL IS WELL. The end of the account tells us that Elisha worked yet another miracle in this woman's life and the child was restored to life. But it is her answer that has me thinking. I wonder if her refusal to acknowledge her son's death, gave that death no room to ever be a fact. I wonder if my answer to people who ask about Susan (and my answer to me) should be "all is well." All is well because we trust God. All is well because He is soverign and in charge. All is well because all is well. Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't give that cancer credit for anything. I shouldn't give it any room or any power or any strong hold. All is well. It really is. Becky
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A Beginning
Actually, we're sorta jumping in mid-stream. Our Journey Together is the story is coping with the onslaught of breast cancer in our beloved daughter and our battle against this monster. It is the account of how we will not allow this beast to win and what we will do to overcome. It is the story of love, committment, and devotion in multi-generations and of ultimate victory. It is the account of Susan's amazing strength and determination and of how God sustains and supplies. Becky
Friday, August 20, 2010
PET/CT SKULL BASE TO MIDTHIGH - 8-20-10
FINDINGS:
Head and Neck: No abnormal activity is seen in the visualized soft tissues of the head and neck. Chest: No mediastinal, hilar or axillary adenopathy is seen. There is a 10-mm soft tissue nodule in the right breast which shows no increased uptake on PET scan which is probably an area of incidental fibrous tissue. This is unchanged from previous study. Abdomen and pelvis: There is no physiologic (physiologic = good) distribution of radionuclide in the soft tissues below the diaphragm. Since the previous examination, the right ovary has been removed (actually both have been removed). Musculoskeletal: Since the previous examination, there has been marked progression of osseous (bone) metastatic disease with extensive malignant involvement of nearly all osseous structures. Compression deformity of L3 vertebra is unchanged. Maximum SUV in the pelvis is 30 compared to 10 on the previous examination.
Previous Examination: June 30, 2010
Head and Neck: No abnormal activity is seen in the visualized soft tissues of the head and neck. Chest: No mediastinal, hilar or axillary adenopathy is seen. There is a 10-mm soft tissue nodule in the right breast which shows no increased uptake on PET scan which is probably an area of incidental fibrous tissue. This is unchanged from previous study. Abdomen and pelvis: There is no physiologic (physiologic = good) distribution of radionuclide in the soft tissues below the diaphragm. Since the previous examination, the right ovary has been removed (actually both have been removed). Musculoskeletal: Since the previous examination, there has been marked progression of osseous (bone) metastatic disease with extensive malignant involvement of nearly all osseous structures. Compression deformity of L3 vertebra is unchanged. Maximum SUV in the pelvis is 30 compared to 10 on the previous examination.
Previous Examination: June 30, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Important Info Regarding Cancer and your Teeth
I visited my new dentist in Colorado Springs to have some cavities filled. The dentist was a very nice young man who gave me some important information that I wished I had prior to starting chemotherapy. If you are in the Springs I recommend you give All Smiles Dental Group - www.allsmilesdentalgroup.com - located at
3715 Bloomington Street #160, Colorado Springs - (719) 599-0665 a try.
Here is the info: apparently chemotherapy dries up your mouth which leads to increased risk of cavities and gum recession. It is therefore, important to keep your mouth moist as much as you can. Your dentist can fit you for trays so that you can do fluoride treatments at home. He recommends this daily. It will kill off the germs in your mouth and help you stay ahead of the game or atooth as it were. If you refuse to go to that kind of trouble or expense then he recommends buying ACT fluoride mouthwash and using it 3-4 times daily. Yes I said 3-4 times each day. Finally he recommended to me that I buy the Sonicare electric toothbrush because it has a kill switch and will not allow you to use too much pressure. This is needed to assist in being gentle enough to not cause gum recession.
Get your teeth cleaned before you start chemotherapy. Chemotherapy works to kill all rapidly dividing cells in your body. This includes your cancer, immune system, cells in the mouth and esophagus and stomach. Do not have dental work done during that time as this could lead to a serious infection and worse. Wait a couple of months after your treatment has stopped and just to be on the safe side ask them to do a very gentle cleaning.
Incidentally you are not supposed to have manicures or pedicures done either especially if on equipment used by a salon or that is regularly used on anyone besides yourself.
Oh and while I am on a roll postpone all tattoo work until well after your immune system has recovered.
I know how important your appearance is to you so please seriously consider the above steps if you are newly on the journey.
Susan
3715 Bloomington Street #160, Colorado Springs - (719) 599-0665 a try.
Here is the info: apparently chemotherapy dries up your mouth which leads to increased risk of cavities and gum recession. It is therefore, important to keep your mouth moist as much as you can. Your dentist can fit you for trays so that you can do fluoride treatments at home. He recommends this daily. It will kill off the germs in your mouth and help you stay ahead of the game or atooth as it were. If you refuse to go to that kind of trouble or expense then he recommends buying ACT fluoride mouthwash and using it 3-4 times daily. Yes I said 3-4 times each day. Finally he recommended to me that I buy the Sonicare electric toothbrush because it has a kill switch and will not allow you to use too much pressure. This is needed to assist in being gentle enough to not cause gum recession.
Get your teeth cleaned before you start chemotherapy. Chemotherapy works to kill all rapidly dividing cells in your body. This includes your cancer, immune system, cells in the mouth and esophagus and stomach. Do not have dental work done during that time as this could lead to a serious infection and worse. Wait a couple of months after your treatment has stopped and just to be on the safe side ask them to do a very gentle cleaning.
Incidentally you are not supposed to have manicures or pedicures done either especially if on equipment used by a salon or that is regularly used on anyone besides yourself.
Oh and while I am on a roll postpone all tattoo work until well after your immune system has recovered.
I know how important your appearance is to you so please seriously consider the above steps if you are newly on the journey.
Susan
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
PET/CT SCAN 6-30-10
PET/CT SCAN SKULL BASE TO MIDTHIGH
Findings: There is widespread hypermetabolic osseous metastatic disease with associated osteoblastic changes which are most prominent in the spine and pelvis. Since the previous study there has been an increase in hypermetabolic activity in metastases in the sternum, the scapulae, the thoracic spine, the lumbar spine, the sacrum, bilateral ribs, the femurs and the iliac bones. Peak SUV values in a lesion in the left iliac bone now measure up to 10.4 compared to a 6.6 on the previous study (4-8-10). Many of the lesions previously seen in the pelvis appear to have a larger hypermetabolic component than previously seen. There are no areas of soft tissue metastatic disease in the neck.
No pulmonary lesions are seen. There is no adenopathy in the neck or chest. There is no evidence of metastatic disease in the liver, spleen, pancreas, adrenal glands or kidneys. No adenopathy is seen in the abdomen or pelvis. There is hypermetabolic soft tissue density in the right side of the pelvis measuring 37 X 52 mm with SUV values of 12.6. This has an appearance suggesting an enlarged right ovary. The metabolic activity in the right ovary is significantly greater than left ovary where there are peak SUV values of 5.0. The right ovarian metabolic activity is nonspecific and may be related to a physiological activity. However, the possibility of ovarian metastatic disease cannot be excluded. Metabolic activity in the left ovary is in the physiological range.
Previous Study: 4-8-10
Findings: There is widespread hypermetabolic osseous metastatic disease with associated osteoblastic changes which are most prominent in the spine and pelvis. Since the previous study there has been an increase in hypermetabolic activity in metastases in the sternum, the scapulae, the thoracic spine, the lumbar spine, the sacrum, bilateral ribs, the femurs and the iliac bones. Peak SUV values in a lesion in the left iliac bone now measure up to 10.4 compared to a 6.6 on the previous study (4-8-10). Many of the lesions previously seen in the pelvis appear to have a larger hypermetabolic component than previously seen. There are no areas of soft tissue metastatic disease in the neck.
No pulmonary lesions are seen. There is no adenopathy in the neck or chest. There is no evidence of metastatic disease in the liver, spleen, pancreas, adrenal glands or kidneys. No adenopathy is seen in the abdomen or pelvis. There is hypermetabolic soft tissue density in the right side of the pelvis measuring 37 X 52 mm with SUV values of 12.6. This has an appearance suggesting an enlarged right ovary. The metabolic activity in the right ovary is significantly greater than left ovary where there are peak SUV values of 5.0. The right ovarian metabolic activity is nonspecific and may be related to a physiological activity. However, the possibility of ovarian metastatic disease cannot be excluded. Metabolic activity in the left ovary is in the physiological range.
Previous Study: 4-8-10
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Genetic Testing Results
NO MUTATION DETECTED
Clinical Interpretation: This testing detects approximately 90% of individuals with inherited breast cancer. We are unable to estimate her remaining chance for carrying an undetectable mutation in a different gene due to her small paternal family structure..
It is highly unlikely that her sister or brother would have a detectable mutation
Application to Ms. Comeau-Nguyen: We still do not know the reason for her early onset breast cancer or the family history of breast cancer. At this time genetic testing has been unable to find an inherited cause of her breast cancer.
Application to her siblings: Her sisters and nieces would be considered to have an increased empirical risk for breast cancer based on this family history. They should meet with their care providers to discuss screening.
Should new genetic testing become available that would apply to her history, I will contact her as long as we have current contact information. Ms. Comeau-Nguyen should keep this report in a safe place and Penrose Hospital will keep a copy for a maximum of ten years. Should anyone else in the family develop cancer, she should contact me so we can determine if it would alter the family's risk analysis or indicate different genetic testing.
Clinical Interpretation: This testing detects approximately 90% of individuals with inherited breast cancer. We are unable to estimate her remaining chance for carrying an undetectable mutation in a different gene due to her small paternal family structure..
It is highly unlikely that her sister or brother would have a detectable mutation
Application to Ms. Comeau-Nguyen: We still do not know the reason for her early onset breast cancer or the family history of breast cancer. At this time genetic testing has been unable to find an inherited cause of her breast cancer.
Application to her siblings: Her sisters and nieces would be considered to have an increased empirical risk for breast cancer based on this family history. They should meet with their care providers to discuss screening.
Should new genetic testing become available that would apply to her history, I will contact her as long as we have current contact information. Ms. Comeau-Nguyen should keep this report in a safe place and Penrose Hospital will keep a copy for a maximum of ten years. Should anyone else in the family develop cancer, she should contact me so we can determine if it would alter the family's risk analysis or indicate different genetic testing.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Pelvic Transvaginal 4-28-10
Tamoxifen therapy, evaluation for endometrial thickness and appearance is requested.
Technique: Endovaginal sonographic images of pelvis were obtained.
Findings: The uterus is normal in echogenicity and size. No focal uterine lesion is identified. The ovaries are normal bilaterally. Normal pelvic ultrasound.
Technique: Endovaginal sonographic images of pelvis were obtained.
Findings: The uterus is normal in echogenicity and size. No focal uterine lesion is identified. The ovaries are normal bilaterally. Normal pelvic ultrasound.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
PET/CT SCAN 4-8-2010
PET/CT SKULL BASE TO MIDTHIGH
Findings: No abnormal metabolic activity is seen in either breast on today's examination. There are no enlarged or metabolically active axillary nodes. Metabolic activity throughout soft tissues of the neck, thorax, abdomen, and pelvis is physiologic (remember physiologic is good). No pulmonary nodules are seen. There is no evidence for malignant adenopathy. The liver appears homogeneous.
Extensive osseous (bone) metastases are again seen. Mixed sclerotic lytic changes are seen throughout the axial and appendicular skeletal structures on the mapping CT. There are numerous hypermetabolic bone lesions and inhomogeneity. There has been a mixed response when compared to a previous study. A posterior left iliac bone metastasis now has a peak SUV of 6.6 compared to 8.9 indicating some improvement. There is however increased metabolic activity in the L2 vertebral body with peak SUV of 7.2 compared to 5.2 on the previous study. Activity within the left acetabulum has increased from 6.7 to 9.3. Metabolic activity in a left femur has increased from 7.3 to 9.8. There appears to be decreased metabolic activity in some of the midthoracic vertebral bodies.
Previous PET/CT SCAN: January 28, 2010
Findings: No abnormal metabolic activity is seen in either breast on today's examination. There are no enlarged or metabolically active axillary nodes. Metabolic activity throughout soft tissues of the neck, thorax, abdomen, and pelvis is physiologic (remember physiologic is good). No pulmonary nodules are seen. There is no evidence for malignant adenopathy. The liver appears homogeneous.
Extensive osseous (bone) metastases are again seen. Mixed sclerotic lytic changes are seen throughout the axial and appendicular skeletal structures on the mapping CT. There are numerous hypermetabolic bone lesions and inhomogeneity. There has been a mixed response when compared to a previous study. A posterior left iliac bone metastasis now has a peak SUV of 6.6 compared to 8.9 indicating some improvement. There is however increased metabolic activity in the L2 vertebral body with peak SUV of 7.2 compared to 5.2 on the previous study. Activity within the left acetabulum has increased from 6.7 to 9.3. Metabolic activity in a left femur has increased from 7.3 to 9.8. There appears to be decreased metabolic activity in some of the midthoracic vertebral bodies.
Previous PET/CT SCAN: January 28, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
My Apologies To Brooke Shields
Have you seen those commercials for Latisse? The commercials feature Brooke Shields dancing with a man and batting her eyes in a coquettish fashion. When I initially saw the commercial I had this real judgemental thought in my head. "Yeah right" I thought. Now who in their right mind would buy a product like that?
As you scrutinize your face from every angle you dream of the day when Brooke Shields will have nothing on you. I tried to imagine which song would be playing while my husband twirls me around the living room enamored by the beauty full eyebrows bring. If you dont believe that eyebrows are important I will inclue a non-eye brow picture here and you can see for yourself.
Fast forward a few months and I would have parted with an arm for a bottle of the stuff. I never lost all of my hair but it thinned out pretty good. My eyelashes and eyebrows lasted until about March when they had thinned to the point of non-existence.
During one of my Doctors appointments at Rocky Mountain Cancer I mentioned that I was feeling pretty depressed about the whole situation. Dr. Matei mentioned that knew of a product that would reverse the situation. I was shocked. Really? Wow. Sign me up. My heart sank when she mentioned the product by name. My apologies to Brooke Shields for every judgemental, nasty thought and eye rolls at her eye batting. I know now that she was simply demonstrating her thick, full eye lashes a very important selling point.
On my quest to obtain the Latisse I would have forded rivers, climbed mountains and crossed oceans. This fabulous stuff is pricey, as it sells for around $130, for a teeny, tiny 3 ml bottle and is worth every penny. It is liquid gold. It comes with little soft brush applicators that deliver hope and promise with every stroke.
As you scrutinize your face from every angle you dream of the day when Brooke Shields will have nothing on you. I tried to imagine which song would be playing while my husband twirls me around the living room enamored by the beauty full eyebrows bring. If you dont believe that eyebrows are important I will inclue a non-eye brow picture here and you can see for yourself.Anyhow, I wanted to let you know that I am taken to the woodshed now and again. I have asked for forgiveness for being judgmental and am working on being a better person. I have a little chuckle at myself when I see my image in the mirror now fully adorned with brows and lashes. When I open the medicine cabinet my precious bottle of Latisse sits there in the event I need to call upon it in the future.
It just goes to show you how much we take for granted. I never knew how much I appreciated my eyebrows and eyelashes until recently. I never realized how thrilled I would be at their re-growth. Thank you Latisse, Dr. Matei and a warm thank you to stunning Brooke Shields.
Susan
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Physician's Report 12/23/09
DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT
Newly diagnosed metastatic breast carcinoma with bone and bone marrow metastases. The diagnosis of metastatic disease was on 10-16-09, when she was admitted to Memorial Hospital with progressive bone pain secondary to compression vertebral fracture. The tumor was estrogen receptor positive, HER-2/neu by FISH. Status post single fraction of 8 Gy of radiotherapy to the lumbar spine on 10/23/09. Treatment was initiated with paclitaxel weekly on 11/12/09, the patient had two right breast biopsies, one consistent with invasive ductal carcinoma and the other one with invasive lobular carcinoma with the largest tumor measuring 1.5 cm.
Lower back discomfort secondary to bone metastases.
Newly diagnosed metastatic breast carcinoma with bone and bone marrow metastases. The diagnosis of metastatic disease was on 10-16-09, when she was admitted to Memorial Hospital with progressive bone pain secondary to compression vertebral fracture. The tumor was estrogen receptor positive, HER-2/neu by FISH. Status post single fraction of 8 Gy of radiotherapy to the lumbar spine on 10/23/09. Treatment was initiated with paclitaxel weekly on 11/12/09, the patient had two right breast biopsies, one consistent with invasive ductal carcinoma and the other one with invasive lobular carcinoma with the largest tumor measuring 1.5 cm.
Lower back discomfort secondary to bone metastases.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Dr. Matei and Necrosis of the Jawbone
I learned early on that Dr. Matei was one tough cookie who could easily stand her ground with me. Those of you who know me also know how important this is. We have had several battle of the wills and here is one account of where I lost.
Dr. Carmen Matei had come very highly recommended by close friends of the family. She was not immediately available so I had seen another doctor who helped orient me to Rocky Mountain Cancer and the fine art of cancer treatment. It had been recommended that I take Zometa to strengthen my bones as the cancer had created an osteopenia situation. He had carefully discussed with me the side effects which always has the ability to induce fear if you listen. I was half listening when I distinctly heard him say Necrosis of the Jawbone which causes your teeth to fall out. Upon hearing this I elected for the once every three month protocol. I felt that this improved my chances of keeping my teeth.
Shortly after this I had my initial appointment with Dr. Matei who immediately put the kabosh on my ideas to avoid chemotherapy but that is a story for another day. In December, I was in my private room with my Dad and Myra Tovey receiving my chemotherapy treatment when the nurse came in to set me up with Zometa. (At Rocky Mountain Cancer they have a big room with lazy boy chairs for chemotherapy and they have private rooms. If the private rooms are free and you have someone with you then you can receive your treatment there. The big room was depressing for me as mainly older people occupy that room chatting with each other as they receive chemo. They looked at me with such pity. Upon discovering the private room option I never had chemo in the big room and this was such a relief).
Anyway, I informed the nurse that I was on the once every three month protocol for Zometa and she looked at me confused and stated that there were orders for the bone medicine. I insisted that I was not having it and she said she would check. Now if any of us had been looking at a stopwatch I swear that not two minutes would have passed before Dr. Matei came bursting into the room. When I say bursting I mean bursting and so much so that my hands flew up in front of me in a defensive manner to ward off any impending blows.
"You are having Zometa today and every month," she spit at me. I rebelliously informed her that I was not as I had elected to do the once every three month protocol. I think everyone in the room gasped at my bravado which in hindsight was pure foolhardiness but I didn't know Dr. Matei that well yet. She then reminded me of my bony disease and her intention of having me walk and how she preferred that I walk in a straight up position instead of hunched over like a feeble old lady. Now I couldn't argue much with that but I threw out the necrosis of the jawbone defense anyway. She responded that this was rare and only occurred after two years of continual treatments.
She then snapped that she wanted me to live and I snapped back that I was clearly more concerned about my appearance then she was. She was not daunted by my insolence and she explained that priority number one was that I would live, number two that I could walk and that number three was my appearance, besides, she added, "You can always get dental implants." I wasn't getting anywhere so I said, "okay, okay I will do it." Dr. Matei then curtly nodded at the nurse to hook me up. The nurse was frozen in horror, as was everyone else in the room, and stumbled a bit as she tried to move into action. Dr. Matei then turned on her heel and disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.
After the nurse left we all had a good laugh and my Dad said to me, "well I guess she told you." I guess she did and I had a good laugh at my own expense. Anyway the moral of the story is to be careful what you say to Carmen Matei.
Susan
Dr. Carmen Matei had come very highly recommended by close friends of the family. She was not immediately available so I had seen another doctor who helped orient me to Rocky Mountain Cancer and the fine art of cancer treatment. It had been recommended that I take Zometa to strengthen my bones as the cancer had created an osteopenia situation. He had carefully discussed with me the side effects which always has the ability to induce fear if you listen. I was half listening when I distinctly heard him say Necrosis of the Jawbone which causes your teeth to fall out. Upon hearing this I elected for the once every three month protocol. I felt that this improved my chances of keeping my teeth.
Shortly after this I had my initial appointment with Dr. Matei who immediately put the kabosh on my ideas to avoid chemotherapy but that is a story for another day. In December, I was in my private room with my Dad and Myra Tovey receiving my chemotherapy treatment when the nurse came in to set me up with Zometa. (At Rocky Mountain Cancer they have a big room with lazy boy chairs for chemotherapy and they have private rooms. If the private rooms are free and you have someone with you then you can receive your treatment there. The big room was depressing for me as mainly older people occupy that room chatting with each other as they receive chemo. They looked at me with such pity. Upon discovering the private room option I never had chemo in the big room and this was such a relief).
Anyway, I informed the nurse that I was on the once every three month protocol for Zometa and she looked at me confused and stated that there were orders for the bone medicine. I insisted that I was not having it and she said she would check. Now if any of us had been looking at a stopwatch I swear that not two minutes would have passed before Dr. Matei came bursting into the room. When I say bursting I mean bursting and so much so that my hands flew up in front of me in a defensive manner to ward off any impending blows.
"You are having Zometa today and every month," she spit at me. I rebelliously informed her that I was not as I had elected to do the once every three month protocol. I think everyone in the room gasped at my bravado which in hindsight was pure foolhardiness but I didn't know Dr. Matei that well yet. She then reminded me of my bony disease and her intention of having me walk and how she preferred that I walk in a straight up position instead of hunched over like a feeble old lady. Now I couldn't argue much with that but I threw out the necrosis of the jawbone defense anyway. She responded that this was rare and only occurred after two years of continual treatments.
She then snapped that she wanted me to live and I snapped back that I was clearly more concerned about my appearance then she was. She was not daunted by my insolence and she explained that priority number one was that I would live, number two that I could walk and that number three was my appearance, besides, she added, "You can always get dental implants." I wasn't getting anywhere so I said, "okay, okay I will do it." Dr. Matei then curtly nodded at the nurse to hook me up. The nurse was frozen in horror, as was everyone else in the room, and stumbled a bit as she tried to move into action. Dr. Matei then turned on her heel and disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.
After the nurse left we all had a good laugh and my Dad said to me, "well I guess she told you." I guess she did and I had a good laugh at my own expense. Anyway the moral of the story is to be careful what you say to Carmen Matei.
Susan
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Day Mom Shaved My Head
If you have double clicked on the slide show you will see that I have included captions and so did my mother. On the picture of me and Santa Baby I indicated that this was the last day I had hair. Ok for those of you who are technical I have hair but that day was the last day I had the hair cut, the high lights and my hair styled as I desired.
My dear friend Joy Humphrey used to joke about the "hair vanity" that she developed when her hair returned. I rue the day that I gained the complete understanding of what she meant. I began chemotherapy in early November and a few short weeks later my hair began coming out. Joy and her sister Jimmylea went out and bought me a wig that was similar in color and style to my own hair.
When I would lay in bed and think about losing my hair the tears sprang to my eyes and I had that grit your teeth feeling. In the shower I could feel the hair becoming thinner and thinner and I wrestled with the idea of shaving it. Huy owns some clippers and had offered to do it but he was approaching things with humor and I didn't think I could handle it.
I was unable to walk and would tire easily at this point and so there was plenty of time to lay in bed and ponder this decision with extreme distaste. For those of you who hate roller coasters and have had the misfortune of being talked onto one it is the moment you brace yourself in the futile attempt to make it stop before the plunge armed only with the knowledge that you are going down the steep descent anyway. You know it is silly but you still try.
I had read a plethora of books, articles and pamphlets on cancer by this time and was familiar with the two approaches to this dilemma. One is the hold on as long as you can approach and the other is take control and shave it off approach. I vacillated for awhile before taking the latter. The hair was collecting on my pillow and I decided that it still would be the pieces would be shorter and at least it might be easier somehow.
I decided that Mom would be the most emotionally supportive and we got out the clippers before she had to leave for the airport. I asked her to grab a face cloth so I could bury my face in it and cry. She thought I was kidding and laughed but I wasn't and to be honest I was hanging on by a very thin thread.
My father is the sweetest man alive and he asked to have his done also and to go first. If you need a loyal supporter than I recommend you pick him because he will set his shoulder and be with you for the long haul. I was next and cried in my face cloth trying desperately to picture Demi Moore in GI Jane and cop an attitude. I failed. Later I watched the movie and this helped a little. We didn't shave down to bare skin. My heart couldn't take that. In the weeks to come it grew a bit patchy.
I don't know how she felt having to do that to me but it was a huge loss to me. I cried and felt sorry for myself for the second time on this journey. Mom told me I was brave but I didn't feel brave. I felt sad. I cried it out pretty good and then picked myself up and dusted myself and my new do off. I was so grateful for the wig that Jimmylea and Joy bought me because it was there when I needed it. I had already gotten it styled by Jami Anderson at J Gregory and if you are wondering I cried through that also. Jami was amazing and helped me keep it together.
I never lost all my hair. I never got used to wearing a wig and soon discarded it when the warmer weather of spring came. My hair began to make a comeback in March. I stopped chemo on my birthday April 8 and had a full head of short hair at that time. It is August 2010 as I write this because I am trying to go back and tell the stories for all of you who really wanted to know. I have a good head of hair that is growing longer and getting curly in the back.
I don't believe that I will ever look at hair the same way again. When I see a woman with fabulous long hair I see it as time invested. My cancer books say it takes a month to grow a 1/4 inch of hair. That is a long time. You might have noticed on facebook and this post how few pictures there are showing me with my current hair. I am growing more comfortable but I like the full hair photos better. Sigh. The hair vanity is setting in.
To Jimmylea and Joy....you saved me from the pain of going to a wig shop and becoming overwhelmed and freaked out. You saved me a lot of discomfort. This was a loving act of monumental proportions and I hope that you realize now how it gave me strength to face it because you gave me hair to wear. It seems so silly a thing to be consumed with if you haven't walked in those shoes. I hope you don't have to find out how uncomfortable it is. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thank you, thank you to Jimmy and Joy for helping me through that one.
I would also like to thank my clients who comforted me and told me I looked good. Some of them even said they didn't notice and thought I was doing my hair different. I want to thank my Mom who shaved it and withstood the grouchy, complaining Susan that followed that event. Dad..I want to thank you for going in first and being there with me.
Susan
My dear friend Joy Humphrey used to joke about the "hair vanity" that she developed when her hair returned. I rue the day that I gained the complete understanding of what she meant. I began chemotherapy in early November and a few short weeks later my hair began coming out. Joy and her sister Jimmylea went out and bought me a wig that was similar in color and style to my own hair.
When I would lay in bed and think about losing my hair the tears sprang to my eyes and I had that grit your teeth feeling. In the shower I could feel the hair becoming thinner and thinner and I wrestled with the idea of shaving it. Huy owns some clippers and had offered to do it but he was approaching things with humor and I didn't think I could handle it.
I was unable to walk and would tire easily at this point and so there was plenty of time to lay in bed and ponder this decision with extreme distaste. For those of you who hate roller coasters and have had the misfortune of being talked onto one it is the moment you brace yourself in the futile attempt to make it stop before the plunge armed only with the knowledge that you are going down the steep descent anyway. You know it is silly but you still try.
I had read a plethora of books, articles and pamphlets on cancer by this time and was familiar with the two approaches to this dilemma. One is the hold on as long as you can approach and the other is take control and shave it off approach. I vacillated for awhile before taking the latter. The hair was collecting on my pillow and I decided that it still would be the pieces would be shorter and at least it might be easier somehow.
I decided that Mom would be the most emotionally supportive and we got out the clippers before she had to leave for the airport. I asked her to grab a face cloth so I could bury my face in it and cry. She thought I was kidding and laughed but I wasn't and to be honest I was hanging on by a very thin thread.
My father is the sweetest man alive and he asked to have his done also and to go first. If you need a loyal supporter than I recommend you pick him because he will set his shoulder and be with you for the long haul. I was next and cried in my face cloth trying desperately to picture Demi Moore in GI Jane and cop an attitude. I failed. Later I watched the movie and this helped a little. We didn't shave down to bare skin. My heart couldn't take that. In the weeks to come it grew a bit patchy.
I don't know how she felt having to do that to me but it was a huge loss to me. I cried and felt sorry for myself for the second time on this journey. Mom told me I was brave but I didn't feel brave. I felt sad. I cried it out pretty good and then picked myself up and dusted myself and my new do off. I was so grateful for the wig that Jimmylea and Joy bought me because it was there when I needed it. I had already gotten it styled by Jami Anderson at J Gregory and if you are wondering I cried through that also. Jami was amazing and helped me keep it together.
I never lost all my hair. I never got used to wearing a wig and soon discarded it when the warmer weather of spring came. My hair began to make a comeback in March. I stopped chemo on my birthday April 8 and had a full head of short hair at that time. It is August 2010 as I write this because I am trying to go back and tell the stories for all of you who really wanted to know. I have a good head of hair that is growing longer and getting curly in the back.
I don't believe that I will ever look at hair the same way again. When I see a woman with fabulous long hair I see it as time invested. My cancer books say it takes a month to grow a 1/4 inch of hair. That is a long time. You might have noticed on facebook and this post how few pictures there are showing me with my current hair. I am growing more comfortable but I like the full hair photos better. Sigh. The hair vanity is setting in.
To Jimmylea and Joy....you saved me from the pain of going to a wig shop and becoming overwhelmed and freaked out. You saved me a lot of discomfort. This was a loving act of monumental proportions and I hope that you realize now how it gave me strength to face it because you gave me hair to wear. It seems so silly a thing to be consumed with if you haven't walked in those shoes. I hope you don't have to find out how uncomfortable it is. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thank you, thank you to Jimmy and Joy for helping me through that one.
I would also like to thank my clients who comforted me and told me I looked good. Some of them even said they didn't notice and thought I was doing my hair different. I want to thank my Mom who shaved it and withstood the grouchy, complaining Susan that followed that event. Dad..I want to thank you for going in first and being there with me.
Susan
Friday, October 30, 2009
PET/CT SCAN 10-30-2009
PET/CT SCAN SKULL BASE TO MIDTHIGH
Findings: Diffuse inhomogeneities are seen throughout osseous structures on the mapping CT. There are some frankly lytic areas such as the right acetabulum. Other areas appear sclerotic. There is an L3 compression fracture deformity. There is diffuse increased metabolic activity throughout the osseous structures on the PET portion of the examination. This involves axial and appendicular skeletal structures. CT and PET findings together indicate the presence of diffuse osseous malignancy.
Two metabolically active right breast masses are identified. There is a 9 X 12 mm of nodule in the upper outer quadrant of the right breast seen on image 89. Peak SUV measures 2.2. In the deep right breast just above the nipple line, there is a 14 X 15 mm mass seen on image 99 which shows a peak SUV of 5.0. no metabolically active axillary nodes are seen. Metabolic activity in the thorax and neck is physiologic. No pulmonary nodules are seen in the mapping CT.
A 16 X 16 mm pancreatic node is seen in the abdomen on image 136. This is associated with elevated metabolic activity. Peak SUV measures 5.3. No other metabolically active or enlarged nodes are seen in the abdomen or pelvis. Increased metabolic activity is seen in the right pelvis that appears to be associated with the right ovary. There does not appear to be an ovarian mass. This may be physiologic in etiology. Metabolic activity throughout the remainder of the abdomen and pelvis is physiologic.
Findings: Diffuse inhomogeneities are seen throughout osseous structures on the mapping CT. There are some frankly lytic areas such as the right acetabulum. Other areas appear sclerotic. There is an L3 compression fracture deformity. There is diffuse increased metabolic activity throughout the osseous structures on the PET portion of the examination. This involves axial and appendicular skeletal structures. CT and PET findings together indicate the presence of diffuse osseous malignancy.
Two metabolically active right breast masses are identified. There is a 9 X 12 mm of nodule in the upper outer quadrant of the right breast seen on image 89. Peak SUV measures 2.2. In the deep right breast just above the nipple line, there is a 14 X 15 mm mass seen on image 99 which shows a peak SUV of 5.0. no metabolically active axillary nodes are seen. Metabolic activity in the thorax and neck is physiologic. No pulmonary nodules are seen in the mapping CT.
A 16 X 16 mm pancreatic node is seen in the abdomen on image 136. This is associated with elevated metabolic activity. Peak SUV measures 5.3. No other metabolically active or enlarged nodes are seen in the abdomen or pelvis. Increased metabolic activity is seen in the right pelvis that appears to be associated with the right ovary. There does not appear to be an ovarian mass. This may be physiologic in etiology. Metabolic activity throughout the remainder of the abdomen and pelvis is physiologic.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Cabbage Leaves and Nursing
After a few days in the hospital I realized that I was going to have to stop nursing. It was taking some time to figure out what was wrong with me but all signs were pointing toward cancer. I had been through one bone marrow biopsy, which was unsuccessful in obtaining a good sample for diagnostic purposes. It was very clear though, that whatever was wrong was affecting my bone marrow as the sample did indicate a problem.
Being in so much pain from the compression fracture in my back I was on pain medications which caused me to be unable to nurse. I had to make a difficult, but inevitable decision. The doctor was talking about a mammogram and PET Scans and all sorts of other tests that require injections of various materials. In the back of my mind I knew that I would be unable to nurse while being treated for cancer and I tried not to think of the second scariest word in the English language...Chemotherapy. The first, of course, being the word Cancer, in my humble opinion.
Giving up nursing was by far the most painful part of this whole affair. It was just shy of the six month marker in Tan (pronounced Thun like thunderbolt) Nguyen's life, which was a good start, but much to soon for me. He already had formula occasionally since I worked and couldn't always keep up with the demand. This made the transition for him fairly easy.
So there I was in the hospital, on pain medications, not nursing and leaking like crazy. The nurses in Memorial Hospital's Oncology unit are fantastic and they really felt for me. One of them went up to the Pediatric Unit to inquire about how to help me. I, of course, wanted a pill or something to dry me up immediately. I had remembered from my pregnancy being told not to take Benedryl or other form on nasal decongestant as they would have a drying affect on my milk supply. I talked to my Doctor and got him to prescribe me Benedryl as a sleep aid in the evenings which helped put me out of my misery by putting me promptly to sleep.
The word from the Pediatric Unit was that there was nothing I could take but there had been some decent anecdotal stories of how helpful cabbage leaves were. The nurse then sent my husband Huy out for head of cabbage and upon return she rolled them using my water bottle as a rolling pin and handed them to me. I can admit to feeling more than just a little silly as I inserted them into my nursing bra but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Now if you are picturing me wearing a hospital gown or "Johnnie" with a bra stuffed with cabbage leaves your picture is inaccurate. I refused to wear a "Johnnie" during my hospital stay. My Mom bought me some cute pink pajamas with black polka dots and my husband brought my other pajamas from home. I couldn't bear to be in the hospital much less wear hospital issue clothing. Also, I confess, they now have snap together "Johnnies" and with my back pain I couldn't sit upright long enough to figure it out.
I must have made quite an impression because when I was hospitalized on April 15, 2010 I ran into some of the same people from my October visit. One nurse's assistant told me I looked familiar and when I mentioned I had been there in October she asked, "are you the one who always wore your own pajamas and had the cutest baby in the world?" I replied, yes that was me.
Anyway, if you are looking to stop nursing for strictly positive reasons and are not looking forward to all that entails remember to buy a head of cabbage and a package of Benedryl. You can thank me when I see you.
Susan
Being in so much pain from the compression fracture in my back I was on pain medications which caused me to be unable to nurse. I had to make a difficult, but inevitable decision. The doctor was talking about a mammogram and PET Scans and all sorts of other tests that require injections of various materials. In the back of my mind I knew that I would be unable to nurse while being treated for cancer and I tried not to think of the second scariest word in the English language...Chemotherapy. The first, of course, being the word Cancer, in my humble opinion.
Giving up nursing was by far the most painful part of this whole affair. It was just shy of the six month marker in Tan (pronounced Thun like thunderbolt) Nguyen's life, which was a good start, but much to soon for me. He already had formula occasionally since I worked and couldn't always keep up with the demand. This made the transition for him fairly easy.
So there I was in the hospital, on pain medications, not nursing and leaking like crazy. The nurses in Memorial Hospital's Oncology unit are fantastic and they really felt for me. One of them went up to the Pediatric Unit to inquire about how to help me. I, of course, wanted a pill or something to dry me up immediately. I had remembered from my pregnancy being told not to take Benedryl or other form on nasal decongestant as they would have a drying affect on my milk supply. I talked to my Doctor and got him to prescribe me Benedryl as a sleep aid in the evenings which helped put me out of my misery by putting me promptly to sleep.
The word from the Pediatric Unit was that there was nothing I could take but there had been some decent anecdotal stories of how helpful cabbage leaves were. The nurse then sent my husband Huy out for head of cabbage and upon return she rolled them using my water bottle as a rolling pin and handed them to me. I can admit to feeling more than just a little silly as I inserted them into my nursing bra but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Now if you are picturing me wearing a hospital gown or "Johnnie" with a bra stuffed with cabbage leaves your picture is inaccurate. I refused to wear a "Johnnie" during my hospital stay. My Mom bought me some cute pink pajamas with black polka dots and my husband brought my other pajamas from home. I couldn't bear to be in the hospital much less wear hospital issue clothing. Also, I confess, they now have snap together "Johnnies" and with my back pain I couldn't sit upright long enough to figure it out.
I must have made quite an impression because when I was hospitalized on April 15, 2010 I ran into some of the same people from my October visit. One nurse's assistant told me I looked familiar and when I mentioned I had been there in October she asked, "are you the one who always wore your own pajamas and had the cutest baby in the world?" I replied, yes that was me.
Anyway, if you are looking to stop nursing for strictly positive reasons and are not looking forward to all that entails remember to buy a head of cabbage and a package of Benedryl. You can thank me when I see you.
Susan
Monday, October 19, 2009
October 16th From a Mother's Point of View
October 16 is a day I will also never forget. I knew that something serious was going on because a seemingly healthy 38 year old does not sustain a compression fracture of her lumbar spine spontaneously without significant trauma. When we learned of the fracture (and we were skyping at the time so I watched as Susan got the news from Rachael via telephone) We were dismayed. I spoke to a radiologist the next morning and he offered several possibilities that included breast or other cancer. I felt she was in trouble. She called me days later after the MRI report was in and the decision was made to hospitalize her. It was one of those defining moments, I know the time and place as I was driving to a hair appointment which I promptly cancelled. Driving home, I knew what had to be done. I burst through the door, grabbed my laptop and starting searching for a flight out the next day (thankfully, Saturday). I told Paul we were going to Colorado. His reaction was the same as Susan and Huy's. "Let's just slow down and see what happens in the next day or two." I told him I was going come hell or high water and he could come along or stay home. Within the hour we were packed, the fridge cleaned out, and plans made for an early airport run. At 2pm the next day, we were walking down the airport ramp gazing at Tan Nguyen who was secure in his Baby Bjorn carrier, flopping his arms and legs and smiling at us with a big wide grin. With him in my arms, I could take a small breath again and then when we were with Susan a few minutes later, a bigger breath. We were going to need all the oxygen we could store in the coming days. It was a dark time of uncertainty, fear, dismay, and the realizition that a nightmare was taking place right in the middle of our lives. Yet there were bright moments too. Tan totally charmed the entire nursing staff until he was banned from the hosptial due to the Swine Flu scare. He was adorable, stretched out beside Susan on her hospital bed, all six months of him, chubby and bald and sound asleep. His world was not falling apart, in fact it was two times better now with four of us to play with him and give him stroller rides. We slept those nights in Susan and Huy's bed with Tan snuggled in between us, all soft and sweet smelling. One night, Paul lifted up a little, looked over the sleeping baby and whispered to me "I wouldn't have missed this for the world." I knew exactly what he meant. Deb recently reminded me of Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Friday, October 16, 2009
October 16, 2009
This is a day that I will never forget. I was laying on my couch in my therapy office praying that I would recover from this immense pain when my phone rang and Rachel my PA from my family doctor called. She stated to me that she wanted me to check myself into the hospital and I found myself asking her dumbly, "on purpose"? She then explained that they wanted to run some tests and this was the best way to get it all done. I had already seen the results of the MRI which suggested possible explanations for my back issues and listed among them were leukemia and different types of cancer.
In light of this I thought I should be more cooperative and I said "ok, when"? I was shocked when she told me today. She stated that I had a 5pm appointment with a Hematologist. At this point my head was spinning and I began to stumble over my words. I told her that I had clients scheduled and she said that I should cancel them. I then stammered that I needed to talk to my husband first and couldn't get a hold of him but I knew then that I was making excuses and then asked her which hospital. She asked me which I preferred and I told her I had never been hospitalized before (that I remembered) and she asked me where I had my baby. I reminded her that I had a home birth. She then said she would ask the Hematologist and call me back. I called my mother who immediately stated she was on a plane. I asked her to slow down and suggested she wait until I met with the Hematologist and then we would go from there. Mom informed me that a Hematologist meant cancer. I called my clients and cancelled them.
I then drove home and mulled over what to pack to bring with me. Huy got the baby ready while I threw some things in an overnight bag. I don't know how you pack for a hospital stay. I think I brought a couple pairs of underwear, a pair of socks, my charge cords to my electronics and my medication. It was a pretty empty overnight bag but then Rachel had said I would only be in the hospital a couple of days.
The check in process was a blur and soon I was in a wheelchair with my baby in my lap. Huy pushed me and the volunteer showed me to my room. Tears slid down my cheeks as we rolled under the sign announcing oncology. I was happy to see it was a private room and I exited the wheelchair and slid into the lazy boy in the room. Huy looked nervous and paced with the baby. The nurse Beth came into the room and sat down next to me. She asked me why I was there and when I responded, "I guess I have cancer since I just got admitted into oncology" she looked horrified and told me that this was a terrible way to find out. I tried not to panic and tried not to scream as she asked me lots of questions.
The rest of that night is a blur. I can tell you that I met the Hematologist who was a sweet man and that the didn't make me have an IV. After Huy took the baby home I read the hospital room service menu and quietly thanked God that my mother and father were on there way to Colorado. I couldn't imagine that it could be true that I had cancer. I thought my back pain was due to flabby post pregnancy stomach muscles and I just needed to firm up.
Susan
In light of this I thought I should be more cooperative and I said "ok, when"? I was shocked when she told me today. She stated that I had a 5pm appointment with a Hematologist. At this point my head was spinning and I began to stumble over my words. I told her that I had clients scheduled and she said that I should cancel them. I then stammered that I needed to talk to my husband first and couldn't get a hold of him but I knew then that I was making excuses and then asked her which hospital. She asked me which I preferred and I told her I had never been hospitalized before (that I remembered) and she asked me where I had my baby. I reminded her that I had a home birth. She then said she would ask the Hematologist and call me back. I called my mother who immediately stated she was on a plane. I asked her to slow down and suggested she wait until I met with the Hematologist and then we would go from there. Mom informed me that a Hematologist meant cancer. I called my clients and cancelled them.
I then drove home and mulled over what to pack to bring with me. Huy got the baby ready while I threw some things in an overnight bag. I don't know how you pack for a hospital stay. I think I brought a couple pairs of underwear, a pair of socks, my charge cords to my electronics and my medication. It was a pretty empty overnight bag but then Rachel had said I would only be in the hospital a couple of days.
The check in process was a blur and soon I was in a wheelchair with my baby in my lap. Huy pushed me and the volunteer showed me to my room. Tears slid down my cheeks as we rolled under the sign announcing oncology. I was happy to see it was a private room and I exited the wheelchair and slid into the lazy boy in the room. Huy looked nervous and paced with the baby. The nurse Beth came into the room and sat down next to me. She asked me why I was there and when I responded, "I guess I have cancer since I just got admitted into oncology" she looked horrified and told me that this was a terrible way to find out. I tried not to panic and tried not to scream as she asked me lots of questions.
The rest of that night is a blur. I can tell you that I met the Hematologist who was a sweet man and that the didn't make me have an IV. After Huy took the baby home I read the hospital room service menu and quietly thanked God that my mother and father were on there way to Colorado. I couldn't imagine that it could be true that I had cancer. I thought my back pain was due to flabby post pregnancy stomach muscles and I just needed to firm up.
Susan
Monday, October 12, 2009
MRI OF THE LUMBAR SPINE 10-12-09
INDICATIONS: Compression fracture, eight months postpartum
FINDINGS: The bone marrow is very heterogeneous on the T2-weighted images with multiple areas of markedly high intensity outlining nearly geographic contours in the vertebral bodies and more punctate areas in the lamina and spinous processes. On T1, the overall intensity is moderately diminished, still slightly higher than the adjacent psoas muscles. On T1, there is one particularly low intensity area in the posterior right side of the L2 vertebral body with slight target configuration on T2 on series 3, image 6. The lesion measures 11 mm in diameter. There is a second possible focus of similar low signal in the left iliac crest on series 7, image 34 measuring 7 mm in diameter. After contrast, the marrow enhances heterogeneously with most of the bright areas corresponding to the T2 bright regions. The areas of low signal do not appear to enhance significantly. The overall appearance of the bone marrow may reflect a fairly aggressive decalcification and/or recalcification. However other more common marrow processes must be considered such as malignancy, hemolysis or multiple bone marrow infarcts; close clinical follow up and correlation with DEXA, peripheral smear and reticulocyte count is recommended. A bone marrow biopsy should be considered, the left iliac crest should provide a representative sample. The leading alternate possibilities are leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma, breast cancer, recovering red marrow from hemolysis, multiple bone marrow infarcts as seen in SLE, Gaucher's, and many other conditions. Note that there is no evidence of retroperitoneal adenopathy.
The L3 vertebral body shows a mild chronic compression fracture. There is a fracture line extending obliquely almost in the axial plane from the superior anterior endplate into the mid posterior vertebral body. This vertebral body has lost approximately 10% of vertical height. There is a slight posterior retropulsion slightly indenting the dural sac. No marrow edema is seen within the vertebral body. However, there is slight edema in the surrounding paraspinal soft tissues with slight increased enhancement as seen on series 9, image 13. The paraspinal soft tissue changes suggest a late subacute fracture.
The vertebral body alignment is normal. The spinal canal is normal size. The lower thoracic cord and cauda equina appear normal. No abnormal enhancement is seen within the spinal canal. The disc heights are preserved with no disc desiccation. No disc bulges or disc protrusions. No joint or foraminal changes. The SI joints appear normal. The retroperitoneal soft tissues appear normal.
OPINION: 1. Heterogeneous appearing bone marrow on T2 and post contrast T1 images with much more homogenous moderately decreased T1 signal and two foci of markedly decreased T1 signal aggressive severe osteoporosis probably in the healing phase possible with very heterogenous appearing marrow. Close clinical follow up is recommended. Correlation with CBC and peripheral smear plus reticulocyte count is recommended. I do not have plain films at this time; correlation with the DEXA values is recommended to confirm that this is osteoporosis. Bone marrow biopsy should be considered if there is no significant radiographic or DEXA confirmation of osteoporosis or if there are signs of a malignant process. As there is back pain currently in view of an essentially healed L3 compression fracture perhaps this is a sufficient sign to warrant a bone marrow biopsy.
[ Note that the patient has a remote family history of aggressive adenocarcinomas (breast and colon) and breast cancer accelerated by pregnancy is a worry.]
2. Late subacute to chronic milt L3 vertebral body compression deformity and fracture. No bone marrow edema is seen currently.
FINDINGS: The bone marrow is very heterogeneous on the T2-weighted images with multiple areas of markedly high intensity outlining nearly geographic contours in the vertebral bodies and more punctate areas in the lamina and spinous processes. On T1, the overall intensity is moderately diminished, still slightly higher than the adjacent psoas muscles. On T1, there is one particularly low intensity area in the posterior right side of the L2 vertebral body with slight target configuration on T2 on series 3, image 6. The lesion measures 11 mm in diameter. There is a second possible focus of similar low signal in the left iliac crest on series 7, image 34 measuring 7 mm in diameter. After contrast, the marrow enhances heterogeneously with most of the bright areas corresponding to the T2 bright regions. The areas of low signal do not appear to enhance significantly. The overall appearance of the bone marrow may reflect a fairly aggressive decalcification and/or recalcification. However other more common marrow processes must be considered such as malignancy, hemolysis or multiple bone marrow infarcts; close clinical follow up and correlation with DEXA, peripheral smear and reticulocyte count is recommended. A bone marrow biopsy should be considered, the left iliac crest should provide a representative sample. The leading alternate possibilities are leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma, breast cancer, recovering red marrow from hemolysis, multiple bone marrow infarcts as seen in SLE, Gaucher's, and many other conditions. Note that there is no evidence of retroperitoneal adenopathy.
The L3 vertebral body shows a mild chronic compression fracture. There is a fracture line extending obliquely almost in the axial plane from the superior anterior endplate into the mid posterior vertebral body. This vertebral body has lost approximately 10% of vertical height. There is a slight posterior retropulsion slightly indenting the dural sac. No marrow edema is seen within the vertebral body. However, there is slight edema in the surrounding paraspinal soft tissues with slight increased enhancement as seen on series 9, image 13. The paraspinal soft tissue changes suggest a late subacute fracture.
The vertebral body alignment is normal. The spinal canal is normal size. The lower thoracic cord and cauda equina appear normal. No abnormal enhancement is seen within the spinal canal. The disc heights are preserved with no disc desiccation. No disc bulges or disc protrusions. No joint or foraminal changes. The SI joints appear normal. The retroperitoneal soft tissues appear normal.
OPINION: 1. Heterogeneous appearing bone marrow on T2 and post contrast T1 images with much more homogenous moderately decreased T1 signal and two foci of markedly decreased T1 signal aggressive severe osteoporosis probably in the healing phase possible with very heterogenous appearing marrow. Close clinical follow up is recommended. Correlation with CBC and peripheral smear plus reticulocyte count is recommended. I do not have plain films at this time; correlation with the DEXA values is recommended to confirm that this is osteoporosis. Bone marrow biopsy should be considered if there is no significant radiographic or DEXA confirmation of osteoporosis or if there are signs of a malignant process. As there is back pain currently in view of an essentially healed L3 compression fracture perhaps this is a sufficient sign to warrant a bone marrow biopsy.
[ Note that the patient has a remote family history of aggressive adenocarcinomas (breast and colon) and breast cancer accelerated by pregnancy is a worry.]
2. Late subacute to chronic milt L3 vertebral body compression deformity and fracture. No bone marrow edema is seen currently.
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